WIBU to complain about this teacher?

[ConfusedSloth]

I know what you're thinking - no, I don't hate teachers. DH is a teacher and I used to be a teacher. But, we have a lot of ongoing issues with DS's teacher and I don't know what to do. We are/were secondary though so it's a whole different ball game. We've already raised an issue once but we tried very hard to make it not a personal issue about her - but it feels like one. I'm sorry that this will be long - I have tried to be concise but don't want to be accused of drip-feeding if I clarify things later on.

Usual story - no behavioural issues raised about DS by anyone at any time, ever. Only ever heard positive things - we are very lucky. But our concerns are growing. He's 5 and in Y1 - no issues with his teacher last year or in preschool.

Issues include:

We are absolutely certain that DS has dyspraxia. DH does. DS has almost every symptom - handwriting is illegible no matter how much he tries, and he complains his hands hurt, cannot throw or catch a ball properly, cannot walk in a straight line, cannot do steps with one foot per step, cannot skip, cannot do a two-footed jump, struggles with cutlery. DD (2) can do these things. He falls over daily, hits his head daily, struggles to open/close things, struggles to even do velcro shoes. We mentioned this to his teacher as we had parents' evening around the same time as we spoke to the GP. She agreed with everything we were saying (and we can see on the app where they upload videos that this happens at school). The GP referred to the school nurse who spoke to the teacher. The school nurse has come back to say that the teacher (who completely and totally agreed with us at parents' evening and said she sees all of these same things) had said she has no concerns at all and that she's not witnessed a single one of these symptoms.

We spoke to the school (our one complaint) because DS (who has always and adored school/nursery) absolutely hates school now. Won't get out of bed, cries the night before, cries in the car before going in. He says his teacher hates him. He says she thinks he's stupid. Some of what he says is very specific "Mrs X said [child] is smart than I am". We were very careful raising it with the school and made it more of a general "he's struggling with enjoyment" issue and didn't say anything that was accusatory or personal. We raised that he'd told us he's not good at anything (he actually said "Mrs X said I'm not good at anything") so they said they would work on that. The next day - he got four stickers (his first stickers of the year, this was just before Easter). He got one for standing in the line, another for sitting on the carpet, one for being quiet and one for answering a question (all things he's always done, and things every child would do). Then they announced he was being "celebrated" (one child in each class is chosen each week to be celebrated). Whilst this took on board what we said, and I know I sound like they can't win, it felt a bit like a "fuck you" (like if you ask a child to stop talking in class so they go on silent protest and won't even answer their name in the register). We attended his celebration assembly and his teacher didn't seem to have anything good to even say - my mum came (and I hadn't told her anything about the issues and she raised with me that she thought it was odd compared to the other children being celebrated). She also hadn't written his out for him to hold (which all the other children had). She said that the reason he was being "celebrated" was for a piece of work he'd done well on but it turns out he did that piece of work the same afternoon as the assembly (immediately before the assembly) but we were told he was being celebrated two weeks earlier. I obviously bigged up my son but it was obvious to me that she was praising him begrudgingly.

Back at Christmas, when they had their nativity, DS wanted a speaking part. All the children who wanted a speaking part got a speaking part (that was the rule) but his was the smallest one - 6 words. He was also the only child not on the stage for any of the songs and, at the end, he was the only child who didn't go on the stage to take a bow (he was ushered out with the children who bowed when his group went up to bow). He's one of the shortest children in the class and the rows were on height - except he was right at the back and completely hidden from view except for his 40 seconds on stage. I don't think this was accidental.

At the end of reception, he was in the top reading group (Big Cat Little Wandle 5.2, if that means anything to anyone). In September, he was moved all the way to the bottom reading group. We weren't told that he'd been moved and it only came out in February when we raised that he hadn't gone up a single book band since the summer. The teacher moved him up in February (at parents' evening) when we raised that he hadn't moved up but had no explanation for why he'd not progressed at all and no explanation for why he was now in the bottom group (in fact, she blamed his dyspraxia - which is why we're so confused as to why she's told the school nurse she's not seeing any symptoms). She said that his reading is behind but they won't do any intervention because "water finds its own level" and some children are simply low attainment. Our confusion is that he's been ahead and his report in July said he was ahead but, by September, she assessed that he was behind - but not just "behind", "behind and not worth trying to get back up to speed". We've now had two private assessments and both have said he's ahead on his reading and can't understand why we're concerned.

I understand that it's almost the end of the year and he'll get a new teacher soon but I'm concerned for a lot of reasons. Firstly, she'll be the one doing his phonics check and I simply don't trust her. I have two private assessments that say his reading is ahead and she's saying he can't read at all - I simply don't trust that she'll do the test fairly. Secondly, she'll be doing his handover for his next teacher and if she tells the new teacher that he's dumb as a brick then that's the perception he'll have. Thirdly, it's bordering on bullying - I've had a parent tell me she was unkind about him on a school trip (other parent was a parent helper on the trip and overheard her compare my child to one of the animals in the zoo to other children when my child wasn't there) and if she couldn't feign that she likes him for a celebration assembly, I do wonder what she's like when she thinks no one is looking. I'm also concerned because DS has a facial disfigurement (and had surgery relating to it in the summer) and I wonder if this has played a role in her treatment of him or is maybe why she's decided he's stupid.

Would you complain in this circumstance, or just wait it out? I don't want to be "one of those" but I feel like every few days there's a new incident or issue (and I've heard it from adults too so it's not just that my son is feeling a certain way).

I have to disagree with some here - I absolutely think you need to advocate for your child here and go and see the headteacher. It might be wise to start with what others have said, and lots of positives that you appreciate about the school, then raise your issues about the current teacher and your anxiety about him getting an undeserved reputation going forward.

I agree with some, that these things do happen but the teacher does need to learn how to be more professional in her approach and not let her personal feelings show, and absolutely, the zoo issue is not ok. I think the incidences could be viewed as petty taken separately, but actually, these little things have added up to a litany of problems. So I would encourage you to raise it.

I feel very sorry for you and your DS given what you have said. But not all primary teachers are really capable of understanding every issue concerning every child in their class of (typically) 30 pupils. It sounds as though she is one of them. Instead of raising a complaint so near the end of the school year you would do better to help and encourage your DS at home and look forward to a new class teacher next year.
My DC did not do well in the KS1 SATs (does anyone else even remember those?). DC is now in a professional job that is very competitive to get into. Please do not expend too much energy worrying about things happening at age 5.

As for reading- you know he's above where he should be. They do throw "comprehension" excuse around as you as a parent can do nothing to disprove it as you aren't in their reading assessments (although this lazy excuse for a teacher probably doesn't do assessments either).

As for the phonics test, you are correct, she's someone who'd definitely help a child she dislikes fail (may be by just rushing him or indeed marking down if no witnesses) but there is usually a different member of staff doing it.

She's absolutely horrible but not unusual- thank God foe all those statutory assessments we whine about - a protective factor against a slacker teacher like that.some would do no work quite happily but the statutory assessments they are at least somewhat judged on protect against freaks like that.

Respectfully, you've posted over a dozen times now accusing me of lying, paranoia and now apparently not doing enough. I don't particularly want your opinion on any part of this.

You've gone from telling me nothing is happening and it's "quite telling" that I "even think it" to analysing every tiny little part of my posts (this is the only message I have from the other mum because DH organised the playdate, if that's ok with you). You've troll-hunted on the GP referral, the playdate, the message and everything else. And now, after all that, you're telling me how awful I am for not having done enough...

You decided from your very first comment that you had an issue - your issue has gone from I'm complaining about nothing, to I'm inventing the whole thing, to I've not done enough. It's pretty clear you won't be impressed no matter what I do.

And no, he's 5 and in Y1, which means he's nearly 6. But you keep thinking you've caught me out because you haven't read the posts properly.

Because you have drip fed info

you didn’t mention that you had a text from a school trip helper actually telling you explicitly what she heard until a few mins ago!

You're better off ignoring people like Nosetotoe OP. Answering back doesn't do anything.

I used to be a primary teacher and I admit there were a couple of children I really didn't like. I was very careful not to show it though and no one seemed to notice.

It sounds like there's two things going on here - the teacher doesn't like your DS and she doesn't like that you're noticing. Some people double down on behaviour when they know they're caught.

Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do at the moment. I'd wait it out, see what happens with his next teacher and move him if things don't improve.

Ignore that poster, they are on here to bully and upset. Anyone who ever went to school knows there are good, average and absolutely shit teachers. Not unlike in other jobs.

I would add that I used to teach children with disabilities, some of whom had visible differences, and it seems that some people have an irrational dislike of people with who look different, almost like a phobia. They react in an angry way, maybe because they know their response is unacceptable but they can't control it? Regardless, it is no excuse and someone who can't treat people fairly shouldn't be a teacher.

In the OP: I've had a parent tell me she was unkind about him on a school trip (other parent was a parent helper on the trip and overheard her compare my child to one of the animals in the zoo to other children when my child wasn't there)

The idea that it was a text from her rather than said in person suddenly changing everything from I'm a paranoid fantasist liar making teachers leave in droves to a lazy checked-out parent who doesn't bother caring about her child is ridiculous.

What a text means is that you have e something tangible to show the head

rather than just my DS noticed and someone told me…

yes, agree. I think it could also even explain the other stuff like the reading assessments, unfortunately it's a known phenomenon that people equate physical disabilities/difference with mental deficiencies.

Thank you @Notyomama and @Truthbetold77

I couldn't understand why so many people were being awful until I realised it was just one poster going again and again and again.

It's difficult because I don't know if it's to do with how he looks and it's one hell of an accusation to say that it is when I can't pin point it. But, I don't feel like it can be his behaviour because she moved his reading group from the top to the bottom over the summer (before ever teaching him) and it feels as though it's been ongoing ever since

I would contact school saying DS is struggling because he gets the impression his teacher doesn’t like him and we feel this is hindering his progress. As parents we have tried to encourage him and explain the teachers decisions, but he more we look at it the harder it is getting to defend as he seems correct in his feelings. They give the examples, I would put less focus on the nativity because that’s easy to brush off by saying he was nervous so we reduced his part in rehearsal.

They sense a vulnerability and come on here to bully which is how they get their kicks.

Thank you - I added the zoo incident as an afterthought because I thought I didn't have anything beyond one woman's statement and it's often said on here that school mums make things up for drama and to take things with a pinch of salt. Secondly, also because he doesn't know it happened and so he wasn't upset by it. So, I prioritised the things that were upsetting him.

You don't have to explain. It seems pretty clear the teacher does have an issue and it's really upset you, understandably. Thankfully you don't have to endure it much longer.

I get your rationale but putting things in the order they most upset ds doesn't make sense. I'm sure if he had heard the comment at the zoo it would have upset him! Besides which he clearly is picking up on the teacher's dislike of him which is upsetting him even if he doesn't have the vocabulary/experience to fully explain the nuances in the way an adult would.

Even if you don't consider DS facial disfigurement/dyspraxia to be disabilities I would refer to it as that if you make a complaint, because it will put the wind up them and hopefully get them to take it seriously. 'Teacher doesn't like my DC' is something the head can brush away and dismiss as an overinvolved parent, 'teacher is actively discriminating against and bullying my DC because of his disability,' isn't.

I think you should ask for a meeting with the head and specifically mention the zoo incident.

You could say that DS was getting upset by various incidents with the teacher, but you felt it was important to support the school and didn't want to take it further. And then the school mum contacted you and you realised you had to raise it.

Unfortunately I agree with others that his disability is making him a target for this teacher.

Some teachers have favourites and don’t know all their pupils. Personally I’d wait it out and hope for a warmer, inclusive and perceptive next teacher. It’s possible that new teacher knows old teacher has form for rubbish behaviour.

It happens. A teacher made my DS miserable in his third year at primary (6/7). Interestingly, he is dyspraxic. It was not until the Spring term that I realised that she was the cause of changes in his behaviour. He had lost confidence and become very self conscious. He worried about his diet and stopped eating meat. I had no problem with that but it seemed to relate to concern about his size (he is tall and well built) and to the yoga exercises this (exceptionally thin ) teacher had introduced. It came to a head when my DS fled from the classroom in tears and another parent told me her son had been telling her for some time that the teacher was 'very unkind' to my DS. Another told me that, the previous year, her son's life had been made a misery, to the extent that he had a breakdown and was only able to return to school when the year ended. It turned out that this teacher regularly subjected specific boys to ridicule.

Not all teachers are kind and it is up to parents to be aware when intervention is needed. As it was, this teacher left the school at the end of the summer term after numerous complaints but I wish I had stepped in sooner because it took a long time for my son to regain his confidence.

You have all the evidence here written for all to see. Absolutely stand up for your child.

I got the impression from the OP that she was looking back at the year as a whole and reflecting on events in the order they happened.

Teachers do bully children. It isn’t common but it isn’t unheard of. A teacher and a teaching assistant somewhere I used to live were tried at the crown court for it: it was all over the local press.

Mocking a child’s facial disfigurement is awful. My son’s friend has a cleft palate and I’d be horrified if someone mocked it. Disgraceful.