WIBU to complain about this teacher?

[ConfusedSloth]

I know what you're thinking - no, I don't hate teachers. DH is a teacher and I used to be a teacher. But, we have a lot of ongoing issues with DS's teacher and I don't know what to do. We are/were secondary though so it's a whole different ball game. We've already raised an issue once but we tried very hard to make it not a personal issue about her - but it feels like one. I'm sorry that this will be long - I have tried to be concise but don't want to be accused of drip-feeding if I clarify things later on.

Usual story - no behavioural issues raised about DS by anyone at any time, ever. Only ever heard positive things - we are very lucky. But our concerns are growing. He's 5 and in Y1 - no issues with his teacher last year or in preschool.

Issues include:

We are absolutely certain that DS has dyspraxia. DH does. DS has almost every symptom - handwriting is illegible no matter how much he tries, and he complains his hands hurt, cannot throw or catch a ball properly, cannot walk in a straight line, cannot do steps with one foot per step, cannot skip, cannot do a two-footed jump, struggles with cutlery. DD (2) can do these things. He falls over daily, hits his head daily, struggles to open/close things, struggles to even do velcro shoes. We mentioned this to his teacher as we had parents' evening around the same time as we spoke to the GP. She agreed with everything we were saying (and we can see on the app where they upload videos that this happens at school). The GP referred to the school nurse who spoke to the teacher. The school nurse has come back to say that the teacher (who completely and totally agreed with us at parents' evening and said she sees all of these same things) had said she has no concerns at all and that she's not witnessed a single one of these symptoms.

We spoke to the school (our one complaint) because DS (who has always and adored school/nursery) absolutely hates school now. Won't get out of bed, cries the night before, cries in the car before going in. He says his teacher hates him. He says she thinks he's stupid. Some of what he says is very specific "Mrs X said [child] is smart than I am". We were very careful raising it with the school and made it more of a general "he's struggling with enjoyment" issue and didn't say anything that was accusatory or personal. We raised that he'd told us he's not good at anything (he actually said "Mrs X said I'm not good at anything") so they said they would work on that. The next day - he got four stickers (his first stickers of the year, this was just before Easter). He got one for standing in the line, another for sitting on the carpet, one for being quiet and one for answering a question (all things he's always done, and things every child would do). Then they announced he was being "celebrated" (one child in each class is chosen each week to be celebrated). Whilst this took on board what we said, and I know I sound like they can't win, it felt a bit like a "fuck you" (like if you ask a child to stop talking in class so they go on silent protest and won't even answer their name in the register). We attended his celebration assembly and his teacher didn't seem to have anything good to even say - my mum came (and I hadn't told her anything about the issues and she raised with me that she thought it was odd compared to the other children being celebrated). She also hadn't written his out for him to hold (which all the other children had). She said that the reason he was being "celebrated" was for a piece of work he'd done well on but it turns out he did that piece of work the same afternoon as the assembly (immediately before the assembly) but we were told he was being celebrated two weeks earlier. I obviously bigged up my son but it was obvious to me that she was praising him begrudgingly.

Back at Christmas, when they had their nativity, DS wanted a speaking part. All the children who wanted a speaking part got a speaking part (that was the rule) but his was the smallest one - 6 words. He was also the only child not on the stage for any of the songs and, at the end, he was the only child who didn't go on the stage to take a bow (he was ushered out with the children who bowed when his group went up to bow). He's one of the shortest children in the class and the rows were on height - except he was right at the back and completely hidden from view except for his 40 seconds on stage. I don't think this was accidental.

At the end of reception, he was in the top reading group (Big Cat Little Wandle 5.2, if that means anything to anyone). In September, he was moved all the way to the bottom reading group. We weren't told that he'd been moved and it only came out in February when we raised that he hadn't gone up a single book band since the summer. The teacher moved him up in February (at parents' evening) when we raised that he hadn't moved up but had no explanation for why he'd not progressed at all and no explanation for why he was now in the bottom group (in fact, she blamed his dyspraxia - which is why we're so confused as to why she's told the school nurse she's not seeing any symptoms). She said that his reading is behind but they won't do any intervention because "water finds its own level" and some children are simply low attainment. Our confusion is that he's been ahead and his report in July said he was ahead but, by September, she assessed that he was behind - but not just "behind", "behind and not worth trying to get back up to speed". We've now had two private assessments and both have said he's ahead on his reading and can't understand why we're concerned.

I understand that it's almost the end of the year and he'll get a new teacher soon but I'm concerned for a lot of reasons. Firstly, she'll be the one doing his phonics check and I simply don't trust her. I have two private assessments that say his reading is ahead and she's saying he can't read at all - I simply don't trust that she'll do the test fairly. Secondly, she'll be doing his handover for his next teacher and if she tells the new teacher that he's dumb as a brick then that's the perception he'll have. Thirdly, it's bordering on bullying - I've had a parent tell me she was unkind about him on a school trip (other parent was a parent helper on the trip and overheard her compare my child to one of the animals in the zoo to other children when my child wasn't there) and if she couldn't feign that she likes him for a celebration assembly, I do wonder what she's like when she thinks no one is looking. I'm also concerned because DS has a facial disfigurement (and had surgery relating to it in the summer) and I wonder if this has played a role in her treatment of him or is maybe why she's decided he's stupid.

Would you complain in this circumstance, or just wait it out? I don't want to be "one of those" but I feel like every few days there's a new incident or issue (and I've heard it from adults too so it's not just that my son is feeling a certain way).

This is why you need a meeting. As for phonics screening not mattering, of course it does! Not for any result for your child, they won’t know they’re doing it or whether they have passed or not. But if he’s not passing it’s an indicator of difficulty so it does matter just so that his progress isn’t hampered and any support that may be needed can be out in place.
It may be that he reads fluently but does not comprehend and can’t answer questions on what he has read. For that reason we may hold chn back a little.

This is what I don't know.

On the one hand, we've only heard glowing things from his reception teacher, his reception LSA, his current LSA, the reception staff, the headteacher, his music teacher and his PE teacher... on the other hand, I know his main teacher will be doing his handover and I know that mud sticks (and I have no idea what it will say). I know from experience, as a teacher myself, that children get labelled as a certain ability and it's extremely hard to overcome that perception. I've had children in very low ability sets who should've been top set but they don't get moved for a whole host of reasons.

When you say there’s never been an issue with behaviour, it may be that behaviours have been more manageable in nursery and reception and he has more opportunity to behave negatively now that so much more is expected, what with the jump between reception and Y1 being huge. So I wouldn’t focus on that. You also appear to be overreacting about the nativity.

The teacher could also reasonably agree with you that they see some behaviours that are consistent with dyspraxia but have told the school nurse that it is not enough to warrant intervention or a place on the schools SEN register.

I would just wait it out OP. Don’t give a thank you card at the end of the year and see what the next teacher says about reading.

Some teachers are just nasty. 99% of teachers are great, but you're always going to get the nasty teachers I'm afraid as in any walk of life.

In my experience teachers and TAs make their own minds up about chn. They will know that teacher too and sometimes you take things with a pinch of salt. If they don’t, they shouldn’tbe in education. Each new year is a new start. Lots of chn excel under a new teacher/ classroom/ year group situation and obviously they have grown and matured in that time.

I wouldn't worry too much about the nativity as this often happens but I do see why you added it as background to the rest.

I am often the first to reply to threads that people ABU to complain about teachers but I think in this case there is indeed justification. She has formed a view about him and is blinkered now. I think actually I would speak to the Headteacher.

Sorry you’re worried OP but at this stage, I think I’d move on and see where you are with a new teacher in September. Any new teacher will make their own judgements and no one is going to ‘fake’ any sort of phonics assessment out of spite against a 5 year old.

It may be he hasn’t gelled with this teacher - this does happen. That’s why a new teacher every year helps and, at secondary, I was always delighted if my kids got on with 50% of their teachers.

But you’re at the beginning of a long educational journey and counting the words or the bows in nativity will seem ridiculous when they’re 13.

I appreciate you want to protect and advocate for your child but you need to keep it in perspective and make sure your child does too.

As a secondary school teacher I’ve had kids say to me ‘You don’t like me’ when I’ve taught 120 kids that day. I can barely remember who they are.

Always speak to the teacher first. In my school the head would encourage that before she gets involved

Thank you.

On the behaviour front, this is the whole Behaviour section of his last report:
"X is a delightful child who lights up the room when he enters it! He is always so happy and excited to see his teachers and friends. X has excellent manners and always greets us with a cheery "Good morning" and a beaming smile.
X settled into school very well. He is independent in managing his belongings, and selects the resources he needs to enhance his play. His happy, friendly, positive attitude makes him popular with his peers. He adores chatting about his interests, home experiences, or what he is trying to create in his play. X has an excellent vocabulary, and can hold engaging conversations. If another teacher comes to visit, X is always one of the first to say hello, make them welcome and tell them about his learning. His contributions to discussions are well-thought, and enable his peers to also move their learning on. He thinks carefully about the learning that is presented, and asks questions to further his understanding. X's communication skills provide his friends with a strong role-model to emulate. He demonstrates a good understanding of what is expected of him at school and always behaves beautifully.
X relishes learning, and is always keen to explore new activities and resources in the learning environment. He enjoys the role play area, creating imaginative storylines with his peers. X loved being a police officer; he listened carefully to PC [visitor], and enjoyed instructing the 'criminals' on how to improve their behaviour! X also enjoys being outdoors, digging in the garden or constructing with the large scale loose parts. He will persevere until he has achieved a satisfying conclusion."

If that's that his poor behaviour was more easily managed, I feel lied to.

On the dyspraxia thing, they were specific things. Does she see him stuttering/stammering? No, on the school nurse's form - but she said he stutters/stammers when we spoke with her. Can he do a two-footed jump? She said yes, we know he can't, we discussed it at parents evening. Can he skip? She said yes on the form, we know he can't, we discussed it at parents' evening. It wasn't a general "is he doing ok?", it was clear and exact questions.

I also know myself, as a teacher with 2 decades experience, that you need to take other teachers’ opinions with a pinch of salt and build your own relationship with your pupils. It’s helpful to know a bit about class dynamics, but anything that comes across as personal reflects badly on the teacher.

What I would do in your shoes is ask to see the new form teacher to update them on his dyspraxia symptoms, your plans and the support you are hoping to get from school. If you can speed the diagnostic process up by going privately, do it. Dyspraxia is socially quite challenging for little boys if it makes joining in with football on the playground harder etc. Seating arrangements that help him get to know other boys who he might get on well with, but perhaps doesn’t know well, can really strengthen their confidence.

Can you ask for a chat with the SENCO?

I'd avoid completely any mention of the nativity (though I do get your concerns) and focus on why the teacher first agreed dyspraxia then disagreed. Also suggest that if the teacher is concerned about his reading enough to move him down, then they need to explain to you what his issues are, because other professionals can't see the issue. It might be worth remembering though that you are paying the others, and so perhaps they might have a slightly biased perspective.

Get in there quickly too with the Y2 teacher. "Last year didn't go swimingly, and we want to support the school in any way possible. What can we do?"

I'd keep away from the personal stuff for the moment. It is galling and worrying, but put it down to a weird moment and move on afresh with next year.

I would meet with the Head and share your thoughts. Some of this is not normal, some i think you have not noticed if it hadn't of been for the constant issues. But they all feed in to bigger concern. I'd also meet with the Yr2 teacher as soon as possible in Sept and share about the confidence, not a great year, concerns raised and what you ahbe done to support. As teachers... use teacher speak to share that you aren't happy with the last teacher without saying it in so many words.

Thank you - it's difficult because, when I was teaching, I know teachers had a whole spectrum of "I need to go in prepared, they've told me this kid is this way and I'll make sure I'm on that" through to "I'm barely going to read this handover because I want to meet them without any preconceived ideas about who they are". I don't know what kind of teacher he'll have - or what the handover may say.

His confidence has taken a huge, huge hit - and that's very difficult. He does play football - he's not good but he laughs it off. Because DH has dyspraxia, we know that a good way to manage it is to really train things so he does a lot of sport and has learnt a lot of good things. Socially, with his peers, he's always got on really well but that is slipping a bit.

It happens. Happened to one of mine. Fortunately I got on well with the teacher, my older child had done well with her. I went and said I'd like a chat and she immediately said she knew it was unfair but she found him irritating, he was very marmite and all through school teachers either loved him or really didn't. She asked me to go to the Head with her and we got him moved to the other class where he was happy and did well and the teacher liked him.

Some friends were horrified at what she said but I was just grateful she was honest.

’she was unkind about him on a school trip (other parent was a parent helper on the trip and overheard her compare my child to one of the animals in the zoo to other children when my child wasn't there).’

She’s a horrible bully. That’s despicable.

What the other parent said about the teacher poking fun at him and inviting other children to join in on the zoo trip made me sad, he sounds like such a lovely little boy!

You are getting a hard time on here over some of the smaller details, but I can see how they all add up. I would raise it properly when the school year is done as I wouldn’t want to make the last few weeks of school even less enjoyable for your DS than they currently seem to be.

X-post! I don’t think anyone else has picked up on it, and it’s probably the worst part of the whole post.

I ran an a club for our local church back in the 90s. There was a 10 year old not I absolutely detested. He was big headed, nothing else and I can usually accept that from people of all ages, but he rubbed me up the wrong way. He never knew, I treated all the kids the same. The lady who ran the club with me was surprised when I told her.

This is interesting - thank you.

I always got on very well at school with all my teachers except for one - my Y5 teacher - she absolutely hated me and I have no idea why. Shouted at me every day, moved me off the top table... She once made me spend my break time at "the wall" because my pencil lead snapped. Another time, I felt sick and she wouldn't let me go to the bathroom. I ended up vomiting on the floor and she told me off and wouldn't let me go to reception and said I did it on purpose. The only time my mum has ever taken my side on anything! I was in hospital for over a week with an awful virus.

As a teacher, I know I had children I couldn't stand (even when the did nothing wrong) but I would never have let that be obvious to the student, other students, parents or the parents of other students.

Why are people so awful I wonder?

The difference between a 10 year old conveying an event and a 5 year old…. Is substantial

I think you need to take some of this further, but you need to split the bits that really matter out from the bits that don't.

The dyspraxia issues, I would ask for a meeting with the SENDCO and go from there.

The issues relating to underestimating his achievements and not feeling liked need to go to someone like the phase lead or headteacher. Id include the comments about the zoo animal and ask about facial difference. Whilst they will close ranks and deny them, they will be more careful about your DS because they know you will flag issues.

The nativity, I'd just leave behind you.

We had some similar issues in year 1, but not as bad. DD had two teachers, so they didn't get to know her very well. She has inattentive ADHD and dysgraphia, which weren't yet diagnosed. Their main comments were that she wasn't really paying attention and was very average academically. They seemed to find her really irritating due to the lack of attention. We were a bit confused because we'd had to do covid home learning with her and she didn't seem average to us.

We took her to an ed psych who diagnosed dysgraphia, but more importantly did a full cognitive profile, showing a bumpy, but predominantly above average profile. I think that helped her year 2 teacher understand her. Having the loveliest, warmest teacher in year 2 made all the difference to DD. It really put her back on track. We still describe that teacher as her "Miss Honey".

And what about the 32 year old conveying the event where she heard the teacher making a rude comment about him?

And what about the things that I, as an adult, have seen myself?

Bless him. He’s so brave. I’m glad there’s no specific friendship issue, though any drop in confidence can affect that. I do think you should ask to meet his new teacher. It would put most of your worries to rest.

As your husband will know, dyspraxia becomes less of an issue eventually. My son never had a dyspraxia diagnosis. We never sought one, but he had a lot of those symptoms. He’s actually high functioning ASD rather than dyspraxia, but at that age he couldn’t skip, couldn’t stay upright on a trampoline, was very slow at running…. He is a teenager now and has a DASH handwriting assessment for typing in exams, but no extra time. Otherwise, you wouldn’t know. For him, music was his alternative to sport and I think that’s helped enormously with coordination. He plays it all the time. Classical, jazz, blues, rock… you name it. Several instruments. It drives his younger sister round the bend, but he’s very talented and it’s also the source of his social life.

I was a teacher for 25 years. I never ever treated a child like this and neither did my colleagues.

I’m not sure the teacher has done anything wrong. And l HATED it when l assessed a child and the parent would say ‘well that’s not what xyz said’

Teachers are constantly assessing every minute of a school day. I always knew exactly where my pupils were.