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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I’m not the toxic person in this situation?

93 replies

WartFace · 09/06/2025 16:08

I’ve posted on this already, under a misleading title. Many apologies. If you’re still interested …

I have known for years that my BiL was not an easy person. He and my sister met at a very traumatic time in our family history and were engaged very quickly. I’ve always felt uncomfortable around him. I’ve told myself it’s envy and other unworthy things. She and I haven’t seen much of each other over the years but I thought we were close.

Nearly 2 years ago he did something that I felt was disrespectful and contemptuous towards me. Regrettably, I made a nasty comment to her on WhatsApp. I know I should have tackled him directly.
She described herself as devastated and when I rang to apologize she told me that I’d insinuated things I absolutely hadn’t even thought. The row went on for weeks. I honestly think I was trying to defend myself against false accusations but she took everything as an attack.

We were NC for some months until I dipped a toe back in the water. She responded very nicely, only stipulating that the past must never again be mentioned.

I apologized repeatedly for my words. She thinks she apologized for hers, but it was very much ‘You made me say it’. She’s never accepted my apologies in so many words. ‘I’m sorry’ was met by silence.

I’ve since heard stories about my BiL from my daughters and DiL that make me think he’s a narcissist or at least a genuine creep. My sister was so horrible and unforgiving and seems to have forgotten that now.

I think he’s a narcissist and she’s absolutely in thrall to him. Or maybe she’s right and I’ve always been the problem? I’m not sure which would be worse tbh.

Thank you, you’re a kind and patient bunch xx

OP posts:
Nosetotoe · 09/06/2025 16:11

What is your obsession with your BIL??!

just leave your sister alone and stop haranguing her about her husband

JHound · 09/06/2025 16:12

Nosetotoe · 09/06/2025 16:11

What is your obsession with your BIL??!

just leave your sister alone and stop haranguing her about her husband

This.

Nosetotoe · 09/06/2025 16:12

My sister was so horrible and unforgiving and seems to have forgotten that now.

not all that keen on your sister either

can’t really comment on the argument because you aren’t willing to elaborate on what you did that meant you had to call and apologise profusely

littlemissprosseco · 09/06/2025 16:13

You’re probably best saying nothing. Eventually she’ll see it for herself. But if you want a relationship with her, you’ll have to let the past go. She’ll probably never see your side of things

Drummend01 · 09/06/2025 16:14

It’s very hard to judge based on just this post alone, we can’t see the messages, observe his behaviour or witness the apologies.

So instead of suggesting if you are toxic or not, I’ll just say that if you want a relationship with your sister then you need to put aside your feelings towards BiL and the past issues with your sister. He might be a massive idiot, but your sister isn’t going to leave him and also isn’t going to tolerate you bad mouthing or cold shouldering him. So if you want to repair your sisterly relationship, you’ll have to smile and wave.

Nosetotoe · 09/06/2025 16:14

On your other thread
the consensus was…. Butt out, it’s getting weird!

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/06/2025 16:15

@WartFace I read your other thread for awhile.

What exactly are you looking for? If every reply you get says that he’s toxic what do you gain? What will it change for you?

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 09/06/2025 16:15

Have you tried chilling out?

Dangermoo · 09/06/2025 16:15

littlemissprosseco · 09/06/2025 16:13

You’re probably best saying nothing. Eventually she’ll see it for herself. But if you want a relationship with her, you’ll have to let the past go. She’ll probably never see your side of things

Absolutely all this, for your own sanity OP.

PullTheBricksDown · 09/06/2025 16:15

Do you have to be in contact with them? I would drop the whole effort and go back to being at least low contact. If he's a creep, and she is just defending him to the hilt, I'd leave them to it. She will know where to find you if and when she comes to her senses.

CherryBlossom321 · 09/06/2025 16:17

The dynamic is toxic. Stop engaging.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/06/2025 16:18

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 09/06/2025 16:15

Have you tried chilling out?

the it crowd chris odowd GIF

I totally flashed to the IT crowd from your comment. 😁

Sorry OP… couldn’t let this one go.

Ponoka7 · 09/06/2025 16:18

Your adult children might be telling you what you want to hear. I agree that there's nothing to be done, just carry on having NC with BIL and distant contact with your Sister. She was never responsible for his behaviour and retaliated against your nasty message to her. That was the issue.

lnks · 09/06/2025 16:18

You said on your other thread that you said 'some "spiteful things" to you ds, so how are they the toxic ones?

Createausername1970 · 09/06/2025 16:21

I haven't read your other thread.

No clue if you are the toxic one because you have not said here what he actually did or said, nor what your actual response was.

I don't know if he has used some magic to enthrall your sister, but being rude about him isn't the way to go. If you are genuinely concerned for her, then you need to get her on side, don't prod the hornets nest, and build the trust back up.

Alternatively, if you think she is OK, but married to a nob-end, then just back off. Bad mouthing partners is never going to end well if the person is ok with the situation.

Original poster
WartFace · 09/06/2025 16:22

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/06/2025 16:15

@WartFace I read your other thread for awhile.

What exactly are you looking for? If every reply you get says that he’s toxic what do you gain? What will it change for you?

I was looking for some validation that I’m not going mad. I received a lovely empathic reply from one lady who understood where I was coming from.

OP posts:
Original poster
WartFace · 09/06/2025 16:23

lnks · 09/06/2025 16:18

You said on your other thread that you said 'some "spiteful things" to you ds, so how are they the toxic ones?

If someone said something rude to you would you give them both barrels and never apologize despite the other person doing so?

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/06/2025 16:25

WartFace · 09/06/2025 16:22

I was looking for some validation that I’m not going mad. I received a lovely empathic reply from one lady who understood where I was coming from.

Show quote history

Thank you, Fair enough… what happens if you don’t get that validation? What will that change for you?

TheNightSurgeon · 09/06/2025 16:25

Having read the last thread and now this one I do think that you're coming across as a toxic family member tbh.

That's not to say they aren't as well, but I definitely think you need to do some soul searching.

Nosetotoe · 09/06/2025 16:27

Op, I meanthis gently, but do you have a drink problem and these occurrences tend to happen during a drinking session?

Original poster
WartFace · 09/06/2025 16:30

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/06/2025 16:25

Thank you, Fair enough… what happens if you don’t get that validation? What will that change for you?

Show quote history

I come from such a dysfunctional family that I have no idea whether I’m a narcissist or not. If I thought I was the only one in the wrong here, I’d get myself some therapy.

OP posts:
Original poster
WartFace · 09/06/2025 16:34

Nosetotoe · 09/06/2025 16:27

Op, I meanthis gently, but do you have a drink problem and these occurrences tend to happen during a drinking session?

Yes, the one occasion when I accept that I was out of order, I was drinking. But her response seemed so out of proportion that I began to wonder if I’d touched a nerve.

It was a WhatsApp conversation and she was being defensive and then switched to rather patronizing. I said ‘Is that still you talking or is it OH?’ That’s all I said. She said afterwards that they were both devastated and didn’t sleep. Apparently I’d accused him of financial dishonesty. I hadn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
WartFace · 09/06/2025 16:35

TheNightSurgeon · 09/06/2025 16:25

Having read the last thread and now this one I do think that you're coming across as a toxic family member tbh.

That's not to say they aren't as well, but I definitely think you need to do some soul searching.

Is this based on what I originally said to my sister?

OP posts:
Nosetotoe · 09/06/2025 16:35

WartFace · 09/06/2025 16:34

Yes, the one occasion when I accept that I was out of order, I was drinking. But her response seemed so out of proportion that I began to wonder if I’d touched a nerve.

It was a WhatsApp conversation and she was being defensive and then switched to rather patronizing. I said ‘Is that still you talking or is it OH?’ That’s all I said. She said afterwards that they were both devastated and didn’t sleep. Apparently I’d accused him of financial dishonesty. I hadn’t.

Show quote history

Ok op
You need to stop drinking
and I suspect this will all fade and you’ll realise how daft you were being

no doubt your family is concerned about you op

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 09/06/2025 16:37

It’s you not them.