How do I stop my step daughter

[Janespotatoes]

From calling me mum?!
been in step daughters life for 12 years now, have always been “Janespotatoes” but the last couple of months she’s constantly referred to me as mum. I’ve corrected her over and over, as has her dad and I’ve gently explained that I’m not her mum, she has a mum and if said mum found out we’d both be toast! I’m not sure what’s prompted this change of name but does anyone have any advice on how to gently revert back to the way things were? She’s 14 if that makes a difference.

Ooh this is tricky! Does she have a good relationship with her Mum? I wonder what her reason for this is? 🧐

If she insists on it I'd just let her get on with it.

She might revert back to your name eventually or she might not.

Is it really a big deal? As for the 'toast' comment, there's not much you can do about that either.

I don’t understand why you want to stop her? It that’s what she wants to call you and she is comfortable and confident in that then I fail to see what the issue is.

Mind you, how have you or your husband not said, "Oh, why the change?"

Or have you asked her?

Things with her mum have gone massively downhill lately so that’s a good point. I think it’s just typical teenage mother/daughter stuff. I love that she see’s me as her mum! But it really is problematic in that if her mum ever overhears her call me mum, I can’t even put into words the grief she would give both of us and I don’t want that for step daughter :(

At 14 id leave it ... she knows what she is saying. She's knows who her mum-mum is. Its a compliment to you really.

The mother being a cow bag is not a reason to discourage your step daughter from expressing herself. Your husband can deal with her.

She just shrugs or says I don’t know or you basically are my mum etc.

I guess I assumed everyone would think I’m in the wrong for allowing it (by not being seen to be correcting it)

Who's 'everyone'?

If her mum doesn't like it, that's down to her daughter.

She knows her mum.

It shouldn't be mainly about whether her real mum will have a go at you/husband.

Why can't someone with a close step mum and a bio mum call both of them that?

To 'correct' her on the subject seems almost quite cold and mean.
Surely it's an honour she wants to call you that.

I'd be happy to be called whatever my step kid of 12 years felt comfortable with. As long as it wasn't 'dickhead'?!

Friends, family, anyone who knows I’m not her mum.
and I just really really don’t want my step daughter to go through the shit that she’s going to get if her mum finds out :(

Your DSD knows you aren't her mother but continues to say it even after you correcting her.
I wonder if she finds using this word comforting, makes her feel safe and loved?

I'd let it go, I think she may change to another term in time

Or do you think she's doing it to wind her mother up if things aren't good between them?

That’s a lovely way of looking at it. No her mum has no idea.

Well you can't control that can you?

Like I said, she knows her mum.

And if her relationship has 'gone downhill massively', she could be doing it out of spite.

Only she knows why she's doing it all of a sudden, but it's her choice.

I haven’t really got any advice except that you’ve clearly done a fantastic job as a stepmother for her to feel that you’re like a second mum to her. Something to be proud of! Is this something she could call you privately but not publically? Or could you gently guide her to discuss it with her mum so at least it won’t be a secret waiting to be exposed.

Thank you, that’s really lovely of you to say and how I’m going to try and look at it. I might have a chat with her about the idea of only calling me mum in private as that certainly is less complicated. 🩷

if that’s what she wants to call you then let her, stopping it sounds like you are rejecting her and the comment about basically being her mum tells you everything about how she feels about both you and her real mum. Sound like her mum hasn’t been there for her but she feels secure with you, don’t risk ruining that for the sake of not hurting the feelings of someone who seems to be letting her down.

Thank you for saying this, I had not considered that point of view and that is definitely NOT how I want her to feel! I love her like my own so I’d never intentionally want her to feel like she’s any different to my biological children!

This child wants to feel connected to you and safe in that important mother/daughter relationship. Its a gift she is giving you and herself. Instead of treating this like a problem or a river to be dammed think of it like a flow of water to be channeled safely, to grow the relationship.

You have already explained to her the problem you both will face if the mother finds out. No need to repeat that message. Why not say (if you feel you can) “Darling, this is a big honour for me and something important to both of us. I am proud and happy you are choosing to call me “mum”. But can we pick a special term, just for is, that means the same to us but is easier for your mum to handle? Whatever you choose will signal “mum” to me even if its “penguins” or “bobs your uncle.”

I would overlook it for now, 14 is a really tricky age (15,16 are no better) but if you really want her to stop it then encourage it. Tell anyone who will listen how sweet it is, really big it up! There’s nothing more off putting to a teenager than an adult endorsing something.

That’s a shame. I can see how, if she’s currently annoyed with her mum and is transferring her affections to you, that might be triggering for her mum but you should speak to your SD about this and if she wants to carry on calling you mum, I think it’s fine. I say this as someone who has had x2 step mum’s, one of which I would never have called mum and another when I was far too old to call mum.

Honestly OP its probably because she feels safe with you. Fair play to you for being an amazing stepmum to her and being her safe space while she goes through turbulence with her mum.

Say that you love her as a mum but you're not biologically her mum and you don't want to hurt her mother's feelings if she was to know.

If you act like a mum and she sees you as one, then IMHO an occasional "come on, I'm not you're mum but I'll try to be a good stand in" but mainly ignoring it seems to me to make sense.

If the "real" mum gets pissed off because she's such a poor mum that her daughter prefers you as a mother figure then that's on her not you.