How do I stop my step daughter

[Janespotatoes]

From calling me mum?!
been in step daughters life for 12 years now, have always been “Janespotatoes” but the last couple of months she’s constantly referred to me as mum. I’ve corrected her over and over, as has her dad and I’ve gently explained that I’m not her mum, she has a mum and if said mum found out we’d both be toast! I’m not sure what’s prompted this change of name but does anyone have any advice on how to gently revert back to the way things were? She’s 14 if that makes a difference.

If she's not getting along with her mum then I'm guessing that calling you mum is a middle finger up to her own mum, even if it's behind her back

Yeah, I think this is it. Teenagers can be deliberately hurtful shits to their mums sometimes.

Correcting her isn’t stopping her so I’d go with ignoring, but you and her dad always using your name when talking to her.

Hopefully, she’ll grow out of it.

God, this.

I think it depends on whether she's doing it as a compliment to you, or a wind up for her mum.

That’s a wonderful compliment from a teenager. Enjoy it!

I'd take it as a compliment. nothing wrong with having 2 mums. this happens to step dads all the time. she can't remmeber you not being in her life.

14 is an awful age. i think you telling her to stop doing something she is comfortable doing is like saying you don't want her.

As for what her mum thinks then that is not your concern nor your business.

That.

You haven't invited her to call you 'mum', it's her choice. Just accept it.

Exactly the same with us.

Either it’s a middle finger to her own mum or her relationship with her mum is genuinely broken and you are a better alternative . I would say that you’ve tried to stop it and that’s enough . If it is genuine then you risk doing more harm by trying to stop it

Are your bio children her half siblings? As they can you mum and she may feel left out of the family dynamics.
But leave her to call you mum as next month it may change again, what does she call your parents?

She obviously has a strong bond with you. I'd let her carry on for now. 14 is such a difficult age for any girl. She's probably feeling all over the place. I hope she gets the support she needs.

Se obviously loves the bones of you OP you are so lucky . Let her call you what she likes . She sounds an absolute darling.

You’ve known her for 12 years, I can’t imagine why you give a damn about her mother? She’s 14 and in a few years her DM will have very little relevance in your life. So if she doesn’t like you, who cares?

I echo Liquorice’s thoughts and think it’s really lovely that she wants to call you that.

It might also be the case that she feels the need to precipitate some conversation or action about her relationship with her mum. This could be a way of causing a necessary row without causing it if you see what I mean.

She might not feel able to have words with her mum about their relationship but if she subconsciously creates a situation where her mum has to address her feelings that might help things move forward. A bit like a cry for help.

I might have a slightly controversial view on this, but in my opinion you should be able to say how you prefer to called and she needs to respect that, same as you would respect her preference for nick name for example. Its not about her but about you. She is old enough to understand this and in this day and age huge emphasis on allowing everyone to decide for themselves how they are referred to, so this should be your right as well. If You don't feel comfortable with her calling you mum, then she must use whatever term/ name (within reason) you prefer. I could understand this for 5 years old but not 14 to suddenly want to change to mum. What did she used to call you previous 12 years? And why would that need to change?

So you’ve told your stepdaughter not to call you “mum” umpteen times, because if her real mum finds out there would be hell to pay.

Have you told your stepdaughter WHY you don’t want her to call you “mum” or have you simply told her not to?

Maybe if she knew you had a god reason, she’d stop. Kids like explanations for our demands.

”Put your coat on.”
”Why?”
”Because I said so.”
”That’s not a good reason. Mum.”
”Because it’s very cold outside.”
”Okay. Where’s my coat?”

i would gently and with kindness explain to her that if someone is asking her to refer to them in a different way, she needs to respect that, as it is up to the person in question what they would like to be called (to their face at least!) by others, and then enforce her to call you by your name again.

I have a semi similar situation. My DSD is 9, I’ve been with her dad for 6 years and she has lived with us full time for just over a year. Her mum is very hit and miss with her and I do the vast majority of her parenting.

She has asked to call me “mum” a few times before but I have gently shut it down, mostly just because I don’t want her to. It’s maybe selfish but I have “my own” 18 month old and I want her to be the first person to call me mum. Partly also because, regardless of how crap DSD’s mother can be, I know how much it’ll hurt her if she started calling me mum too.

I have suggested that we come up with our own personal nickname for me, one that is special and just for her to use. Although i do think sometimes that she asks more as a FU to her actual mum (deep down she feels very let down by her) more than a desire to have me take on that role.

I agree with PP you've clearly done a great job if she's feeling safe and loved enough to call you mum, given she hasn't said it in front of her biological mother I doubt it's being said to get a rise out of her.
Can you reframe it that you are her bonus mum? If you feel it's important for her sake to correct her to save her from drama then please make it very clear that you love her, you see her the exact same as your biological children, you are her bonus mum and you are so happy she feels that way about you. Then ask her how she thinks others ie her biological mum would react to hearing it and you are worried about her getting grief over it so how can you both come up with a plan/name that shows your love for each other but that won't cause any aggro? You could call each other bonus? She's your bonus daughter, you're her bonus mum and its a special word just for the two of you? Or if that is likely too obvious then mix it up and find a word that works for you both that anyone overhearing won't realise the significance

What your step daughter calls you is up to her, it shows her love and affection for you. Sounds like the mother will have issues generally so don't let worries about her kicking off inform your actions. As for what family and friends think, it's none of their business.

I suspect she's doing it as a way to punish her mum and feel in a bit more control of that relationship. That is my theory anyway.

I remember hearing someone say her step kids called her bonus mum which I thought was nice - made it clear it was not the usual mother relationship but also paid tribute to how the child felt about her.

This is 14 year old speak for “I love you and love that you make me feel safe”. She doesn’t want to make it a big thing but it really is to her. Please just keep doing what you’re doing and let her call you Mum while she does it. She needs you. And well done on the awesome step- parenting 🤍

To some degree that is your stepdaughter's problem too. What she calls you is how she feels about you. I would just play it down and reduce the issue. It may go away or settle itself. You obviously have a good relationship with her. Don't let anything spoil it.

That’s so sweet she seems as her mum. If you are worried about her mum getting upset, tell her not to say in front of her. I have a jealous mother who gets angry if I give attention to my aunt so I can see why you are concerned.

As difficult as this is I d speak to the mum
and tell her that this is happening and that you wanted her to know out of respect.