How do I stop my step daughter

[Janespotatoes]

From calling me mum?!
been in step daughters life for 12 years now, have always been “Janespotatoes” but the last couple of months she’s constantly referred to me as mum. I’ve corrected her over and over, as has her dad and I’ve gently explained that I’m not her mum, she has a mum and if said mum found out we’d both be toast! I’m not sure what’s prompted this change of name but does anyone have any advice on how to gently revert back to the way things were? She’s 14 if that makes a difference.

I'd take it as a sign that she loves you and trusts you. Please don't reject that.

At 14 she knows the difference between you and her mum. Let her decide what feels the right name for you. It's her choice not her biological mum's. She's not a confused toddler that needs the difference explained.

She might keep with it but she might change what she calls you as she gets older. 14 is such a tricky age. Don't cause issues when really there are none. Welcome her sign of affection.

Why has her relationship with her mum gone downhill? Is it a clash of personalities with a mix of teenage hormones and general growing up/pushing boundaries?

You don't say what she's like generally. At 14 is she trying to get more freedoms than mum will allow? I'm wondering if mum is having to be the strict parent. Could it be she's trying to sweeten you up with a view to proposing she live with her dad and you in the hope you'll be more relaxed with rules? Just speculating here.

Just keep gently correcting her

Why has the relationship with her biological mum gone downhill? Is it because of normal teen stuff? Like in the way that a normal parent teenage relationship can be a bit strained? Or is it because her mum is a shit parent, has let her down, is emotionally abusive or similar?

If it’s the former then this might be a form of playing one parent figure against the further. You and OH need to gently unpick this with her and remind her that her mum loves her and is trying her best and really it’s not a good idea that she call you mum, much as you appreciate it and enjoy being a mother figure to her.

If it’s the latter I would probably let her. At 14 she is old enough to know to avoid calling you mum in front of her and it’s great she loves and trusts you enough to cast you in that role. Ultimately her mother will reap what she sows in terms of a relationship with her daughter. And if she does get wind of her calling you mum, just don’t enter into any arguments with her. Ignore, block and leave any and all communication to your OH.

My son calls my DH his stepdad by his name but I have noticed when we are on holiday or in group situations he always refers to him as my Dad. He does have a dad too. When I asked about it he says it's just easier.

She's 14 and she's old enough to decide whether she sees you as a mum or not. If her birth mother is furious, that's a conversation between her and her daughter, but I think there are plenty of stepkids who have step-parents in their lives for so many years that they see themselves as just having two mums/two dads. I know at least one adult who calls both her biological dad and her stepdad 'Dad'.

My kids call me mom, and their step-mum they call her mum.
And I couldn't be happier it means that when they're with their Dad they're clearly happy that she spends time with them!

You've been in her life since forever and she's chosen to call you mum it's not as if you and your other half have forced her to call you mum. If her bio mum does hear it she should be happy that you've shown her daughter enough love that she's happy to have you as a mother figure in her life. Does your step daughter live with her mum or is she living with you and her dad?

How about she calls you Mumtoo or something similar? Obviously, you are both very fond of each other and you care that she doesn't stir up trouble with her bio mum so there is a middle ground to be found.

Aw it’s lovely that she can tell you how much she appreciates you. Maybe it’s a good opportunity for you to say in return that you are honoured / see her as a daughter / will always be there for her.
Sometimes in life we don’t get round to expressing our love properly, so it’s fab that you and she can!
You could also then gently explain that you think her mum would be upset to hear her say it, and that you don’t want to tread on mum’s toes or cause upset.

You sound amazing @Janespotatoes.

As above I'd try not to discourage or encourage. Just let her do her thing. She's old enough to understand the ramifications.

She clearly sees you as the mum figure amd for whatever reason needs to have that mum connection.

My dsd called me mum for a bit when dd was little, dsd would have been about 10. She probably did it for about 2 years and then stopped and went back to ihatelittlefriend. Again, it was during a time when her dm was focusing heavily on her own dsc and was ignoring dsd's needs a lot. Dsd felt quite out of place at her dms and because I have always maintained that we didn't operate a 2 tier household, his kids and our shared dd were all treated thr same (age appropriately obviously) she always knew where she stood with me. Once things calmed down with her dm she stopped calling me mum. She slips every so often now, but she is nearly 20, at university and her dad and I split 8 years ago. But we are still very close.

If she's not getting along with her mum then I'm guessing that calling you mum is a middle finger up to her own mum, even if it's behind her back.

I agree with PP that it is a sign of love and security.
Can you make a cute name that's not mum, that she can call you, make something up together, like a secret code for all the mum love and things, but not actually the word Mum. It sounds like she wants a word that is not just your name, that signifies that family bomd and closeness, like Mum or other family names (dad, aunty etc) mean a lot and takes the coldness out of a formal name.
Not aure what it could be but yoh cohld think of things together. Or mum in another language even.

She is calling you mum because she is having a fell down with her mother. She may be doing as a sign of appreciation or as a sign of anger towards her mum.
Either is tricky I wouldn't correct her because both your you knows there is a mum and a step mum. She may revert the calling or carry on with it, in any case don't make a big deal of it. Just support her as you have been doing all this years.

I have a very dear friend whose SD calls her mum and it started when SD was about 13 and the relationship with her bio mum was going south. The SD is now 28. It started when she was in group situations and didn't like saying Step Mum as people then often asked about her family set up which she didn't want to explain. I've no idea if her bio mum ever found out, but SD moved in with her dad permanently at 15. I'd take it as a sign she really loves and respects you. She's 14 please don't discourage her - just go with the flow if you can.

Speaking from someone who took in their teen stepdaughter a few months ago due to a breakdown in relationship with their mum, I would say to her that you are flattered she feels that way but please could she make sure her mum doesn't overhear etc as you don't want them facing any backlash. That way they won't see it as wrong but they know the reasoning to be careful with their wording. If god forbid their relationship breaks down further you may be who they lean on for comfort and to feel safe within a family unit.

She's old enough to have consciously made the choice to call you that. I understand your reasoning behind being nervous of her calling you mum but it is odviously important to her. I would though question if there are problems with her and her biological mum which may have triggered this so maybe take her out and have a bit of a chat to see if there are. Let her know your reasoning behind why you said that and that it is not a rejection. It sounds like she views you as her mum and that goes far beyond being genetically related. But if she really wants too I wouldn't stop her personally - it sounds like you've done a great job and she loves you for it.

This is really high praise from a 14 year old. I would go with it. Maybe tell her that you are really happy, and that you don't want her to get any agro from anyone else.
Well done you 😊

My eldest stepdaughter started calling me mum in public after a while (as in 'I'll ask my mum') and then sweetly asked if it was OK because it was just easier for her rather than explaining the family dynamics! In private she just called (and calls) me my first name.

I think whether or not she has fallen out with her mum, calling you mum is quite flattering and reflects well on your relationship, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, I doubt she refers to you as mum when she is with her actual mum...

Can you talk to her about having a special nickname that isn’t Mum, but which she gets to use and other people don’t?

"Hey DSD, I am happy for you to call me mum, if you want. If you want to start calling me Janespotatoes again, that's fine too. I'm also here if you need to talk about anything that's bothering you."

It's up to your DH to deal with his ex.

Your right it’s problematic and your right to be trying to fix it.
Yes it’s nice she views you so positively but you are not her mum and never will be.

I wonder if it’s a dig at her mum.
All you can really do is correct her. So each time she says mum you say you “janepotatoes” and move on. It’s not cold. It’s factual and I’m sure your kind and loving to her in many other ways.

Sounds lovely she wants to connect you with the name she takes love and care from.
Could you agree with her that she calls you a nickname or something just between you two, or perhaps mum in another language?
Imma is Hebrew for mum and sounds nice I think.

Or just leave her to get on with it
If anyone does comment you can say you did suggest she still calls you Janespotatoes but you can't control what she chooses to call you.

Tell her mum that she's doing this, and make it clear that you're NOT encouraging her to. Then forget about it.

I love this.