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Original poster

How do I stop my step daughter

117 replies

Janespotatoes · 09/06/2025 14:17

From calling me mum?!
been in step daughters life for 12 years now, have always been “Janespotatoes” but the last couple of months she’s constantly referred to me as mum. I’ve corrected her over and over, as has her dad and I’ve gently explained that I’m not her mum, she has a mum and if said mum found out we’d both be toast! I’m not sure what’s prompted this change of name but does anyone have any advice on how to gently revert back to the way things were? She’s 14 if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Expatornot · 09/06/2025 14:55

Does she do when talking to you. As in ‘Mum, please help me with this’ or is it in reference to you when talking to others as in ‘I’ll ask my mum’

If it’s the latter then I’d just leave it. My SC did that and it’s just for the take of convenience so they don’t have to spell out their family dynamic. Ie this is ‘expatornot’ and she is my Stepmum.

No advice if it’s the former. I wouldn’t like it but wouldnt know what to say either to stop it.

familyissues12345 · 09/06/2025 14:58

Ah I think it’s sweet! Children know what they feel and I’d take it as a massive compliment that she feels this was towards you.
DS1 calls his stepdad by his first name, but it’s him he chooses to spend Father’s Day with (he’s an adult, so not like he’s being dragged along), his stepdad who gets bought presents for birthday/Christmas, and he refers to us both as his parents. I fully believe he has a Dad by name, and a different Dad who has the job IYSWIM.

FrippEnos · 09/06/2025 14:58

Its her choice, and she is old enough to make it.

Most step parents would just enjoy it.

gavisconismyfriend · 09/06/2025 15:01

Could you together come up with a nickname that she could call you that’s special to the two of you? It would be your jointly agreed equivalent of mum but without the hassle she might get from her mum if she calls you mum too. It would mark out that her relationship with you is special. However worth chatting to her, she might be calling you mum to cement her place in the family if she’s feeling at odds with her mum.

NewBinBag · 09/06/2025 15:06

gavisconismyfriend · 09/06/2025 15:01

Could you together come up with a nickname that she could call you that’s special to the two of you? It would be your jointly agreed equivalent of mum but without the hassle she might get from her mum if she calls you mum too. It would mark out that her relationship with you is special. However worth chatting to her, she might be calling you mum to cement her place in the family if she’s feeling at odds with her mum.

I thought this - like there are a million variations on Grandmother.

Is there anything special she could call you?

Daisyvodka · 09/06/2025 15:07

What would her mum actually do, it's not clear sorry. Are we talking criminal behaviour? Is your stepdaughter aware that her mum is erm, unreasonable?
I suppose if you are able to talk through openly your worries with her, then she can make the decision with all the information in hand. If you are having to hide information from her (because its not age or situation appropriate) that's fuelling your concern, then I can see how this would be so difficult. Is someone around her likely to report back to the mum if they overheard? That's the impression I got from your OP, sorry if that's not right.

Ponderingwindow · 09/06/2025 15:11

After 12 years it is her right to bestow the title of Mom upon you.

I was never allowed to call my step-grandfather grandpa. That man was my grandfather through and through. He refused the title because he was afraid my grandfather would disown my father. I still wish I could have called him Grandpa and I’m a woman in my 50s and he has been dead for a very long time.

Catopia · 09/06/2025 15:23

Maybe you can agree a halfway house which isn't "mum" nor is your name - like Mimi or Mama or Maman or something... It seems that she wants you to have a "title" that's more than Janespotatoes, but I also understand your concern about rocking the boat.

Yellowlab34 · 09/06/2025 15:32

I think she's doing it to get back at her mother, you say their relationship has recently deteriorated. Because of this, and as long as she still has any contact with her mother, you need to discourage her from calling you Mum too.

When her relationship with her mother improves she could find herself in a very difficult situation where she doesn't want to call you Mum anymore, but will find it difficult to tell you that. For her sake, I suggest you remind her of how much you love her, but tell her that you don't want her mother to feel hurt and as if she was being replaced.

It would be totally different if she was very small, but she's an angry teen, lashing out at her mother, and bringing you into it

Jk987 · 09/06/2025 15:36

I think it’s sweet and you shouldn’t try and stop her. Tell her Mum if you want to. She’d have to be very insecure to let it bother her. People can have more than one mum or mother figure, it’s a good thing.

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/06/2025 15:43

I understand you're worried about the fallout but I think you should support her, you are her Mum to her and she's old enough to know what that means for her.

Maddy70 · 09/06/2025 15:45

Don't correct her. It's what she wants to call you. I had two dads dont make a big issue out of it

Lighteningstrikes · 09/06/2025 15:51

Take it as a term of endearment.
Don’t hurt her feelings.

ginasevern · 09/06/2025 15:58

"you basically are my mum"

She's saying this because she's pissed off with her bio mum. Doesn't mean bio mum has done anything wrong at all. The girl is 14 and a ripe age for "nobody understands me" - except you OP! If it wasn't you it would be someone else. You can't correct this in any way that she'll understand, or want to hear, without upsetting her and making her feel stupid. Just let it ride and encourage the "mum" comments to be made in private if possible. I totally understand the grief it would cause if her mum and extended family overheard her.

Maray1967 · 09/06/2025 16:01

Pancakeflipper · 09/06/2025 14:27

Your DSD knows you aren't her mother but continues to say it even after you correcting her.
I wonder if she finds using this word comforting, makes her feel safe and loved?

I'd let it go, I think she may change to another term in time

Or do you think she's doing it to wind her mother up if things aren't good between them?

Yes, this is the issue, I think. If I thought she was doing it to me to wind her mum up after an argument, then I’d tell her no.

But if she genuinely wants to call you mum in appreciation of your care for her, then that’s a different matter. If relations break down completely with her mum might she end up living with you full time?

CloudywMeatballs · 09/06/2025 16:01

I can't believe you would even try to "correct" her! She knows you're not actually her mum. Isn't it lovely that she feels close enough to you to call you mum? She obviously values and needs that close relationship with you. Don't then reject her by correcting her (in other words, telling her you don't want her to call you mum)!

PurpleThistle7 · 09/06/2025 16:02

I think it's lovely that she feels safe with you but agree that it might actually be a bit about being perpetually annoyed with her mother - it's the right age for that!

I'd come up with a middle ground together that feels right to her - maybe Mum in another language if anyone has a connection to another country? Or some sort of special nickname?

tuvamoodyson · 09/06/2025 16:04

Yellowlab34 · 09/06/2025 15:32

I think she's doing it to get back at her mother, you say their relationship has recently deteriorated. Because of this, and as long as she still has any contact with her mother, you need to discourage her from calling you Mum too.

When her relationship with her mother improves she could find herself in a very difficult situation where she doesn't want to call you Mum anymore, but will find it difficult to tell you that. For her sake, I suggest you remind her of how much you love her, but tell her that you don't want her mother to feel hurt and as if she was being replaced.

It would be totally different if she was very small, but she's an angry teen, lashing out at her mother, and bringing you into it

That’s what I wondered. Is it maybe to hurt her mum?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/06/2025 16:08

I would probably let her carry on tbh! Otherwise she might feel a bit rejected.

It wouldn’t have been good if you’d asked her to call you Mum, but as she’s done it of her own accord, I would let her continue.

I come from the pov of not having any children, but my kids having a step-mum. I wouldn’t be thrilled if my kids called their step-mum “Mum” but if they did I wouldn’t be getting cross with anyone or saying anything as it would obviously be what they needed to do.

But I hope my kids are very emotionally comfortable and secure with me, which doesn’t seem to be the case with your DSD and her Mum.

My dd(16) wishes their step-mum happy Mother’s Day and that doesn’t bother me.

zoemum2006 · 09/06/2025 16:15

Is there any special alternative she could call you like "bonus mum" (but that's a bit twee).

There's a Jewish word 'mishbucha' which means related in a complicated way. A personal variation of something like that could be sweet.

Natthebat · 09/06/2025 16:18

I wouldn't correct her any more. You have already and she has continued so she is making her choices. It may be that she is doing it only to get back at her mum but more likely she is feeling a bit let down by her mum and is trying out using it as a safe and loving word with you too, to feel closer.

I'd view it as an honour and treat her accordingly. Telling her 'don't call me that' might sound to her like you don't view her as a daughter. From the sound of it that's not the case and might make her feel rejected and foolish. You don't want to take that risk.

Sounds like you have a lovely family btw OP, you're lucky to have each other.

rosemarble · 09/06/2025 16:24

At 14 I think it's up to her.
You all know you are not her Mum.

NoNameMum · 09/06/2025 16:39

You mentioned that you have biological children. Is she joining in with them to feel more a part of your family?
I would let her do it, believe me she knows what she is doing. Take it as the compliment it is. My Dad has been married to my SM for 38 years and there is no way in hell I would ever refer to her as my mum!

noctilucentcloud · 09/06/2025 16:44

Janespotatoes · 09/06/2025 14:33

Thank you, that’s really lovely of you to say and how I’m going to try and look at it. I might have a chat with her about the idea of only calling me mum in private as that certainly is less complicated. 🩷

Show quote history

Be careful about this. I know you're trying to protect her from fallout, but it'd be very easy for her to misinterpret your reasons and feel hurt or rejected by this. Almost as if you only 'accept' her in private, especially if you have biological children too.

Keepingheadabovewaterjust · 09/06/2025 16:44

You can have more than one mum it’s not just biology. It’s testament to the relationship she has to call you that and I think it’s lovely. I wouldn’t discourage it - her biological mums jealousy should not cloud what you have. What about if she married and has a super relationship with her mil? I called my mil Mum as that’s what she was to me. Didn’t mean I didn’t love my other mum too.