I know I am BU but how do I shake it off?

[Sloejam]

My partner and I always went running together. We actually met training for a half marathon.

I’m pregnant now and have stopped running (doctor’s advice but I’m knackered anyway).

He’s just told me he’s been invited to go for a run this week with his mate and his mate’s tennis pals (men and women), and they’ll probably grab some dinner and drinks after.

I feel bloody jealous and cross. Granted I can’t join the run but the dinner’s local to me and I’m not an invalid, I can leave the house. I’ve not been invited though because I’m not joining the run.

I know I’m completely unreasonable but I’m cross and feeling rubbish.

I wont tell him that of course, but AIBU to point out I could’ve been invited for dinner? I get the impression this’ll be a weekly thing now.

I genuinely don’t begrudge him a social or fitness life. I’m thrilled he has both. But because it’s something I’m explicitly excluded from, I just feel a bit crap.

Why don't you just tell him you'd like to go to dinner? He probably just didn't think

You should just tell him how you feel. Of course you can join for the dinner.

Have you asked if you can join for the dinner?

Two thoughts:

• when pregnant I think it’s easy to start feel intentionally excluded from stuff because you can’t fully participate for x or y reason. It’s annoying - you have my sympathy.
• I think it’s good for couples to have some separate social lives, so maybe it’s a nice thing for him to be spending some alone time with this group…?

Does it require an actual invitation? The normal thing would probably be to just say, ‘text me when you’re finishing the run and I’ll meet you at the restaurant’, and everyone would of course be fine with that… Otherwise it sounds really strange.

It is nice for him. I just can’t help thinking about all the super fit women, while I’m sat at home like a beached whale. I know it’s so ridiculous.

What do you think his reaction would be if you said “ah that sounds lovely what time are you meeting for food and I’ll meet you all there?”

Because it sounds like he’s just not thought it out. His reaction will tell you whether he was being thoughtless or whether he intentionally doesn’t want you there. But why would he object?

If you would be running if it weren’t for your pregnancy I think you should be included in the meal.

Say you would like to come as you would be running of it weren’t for your pregnancy and while you can’t enjoy the running part you would like to keep up on the social aspect.

You're in your own head too much on this. Go join them for the dinner, you'll have fun, you'll feel better.

If you've suggested that and been told specifically no, and in the past you would have gone (because you'd have run) then your partner and his friends are dicks

I haven’t asked yet. I was hoping I’d just be invited. I was worried I’d look like I was encroaching on his evening if I invited myself.

Just go to the dinner. I think this is one of those things where they haven’t thought to invite you, rather than you not being welcome.

Don't be timid. Refuse to get into such a negative funk. You're being silly. Of course nobody will mind and will be glad to see you.

Nah, invite yourself. Both me and my partner are active people and can't imagine a single person who I run or cycle with who would have a problem with this

Start as you mean to go on: be clear about intentions and expectations and don't expect your husband to be a mind reader. Worrying about encroaching sounds like you're casting yourself in a negative light. You obviously have negative associations with being unfit and it could be you've also got something negative tied up with being a mum.

You're still the same person and should confidently claim your space in the world.

I’ve not been invited though because I’m not joining the run.

Has anyone said this?

Tell DH you want to go, his reaction will tell you if he trying to exclude you.

It’s not his evening though, it’s something that’s been yours as a couple since you started your relationship tell him how you feel and go for the dinner.

For sure, just invite yourself. If it's going to be a weekly thing then you need to start as you mean to go on and join in. Nobody will think it's odd or that you're encroaching. You're having a nice dinner with your friends - no drama, nothing to see, totally normal. Hope you have a lovely time!

they’ll probably grab some dinner and drinks after.

it's not really a massive event, is it?
just tell him if they do, you'd love to join him there?

Or do your own thing. Go to a pregnancy yoga class or something. If you are naturally fit and are under medical order to stop, it's hell - people who don't exercise don't comprehend how being put on house arrest is damaging mentally and physically. So go swimming or yoga, or any safe activity you can do.

You are indeed being completely unreasonable.

You are part of the running group and I assume you want to spend time with these friends as well.

I'm in various sporty groups and it's always lovely when the people who are not actively doing the sport for whatever reason join us for the socials.

If any of the 'super fit women' are making you feel like a beached whale or otherwise self conscious about your changing shape then are they really your friends anyway?

Can you just say to your DH...ah that sounds like great fun and i'm a bit down I can't run at the moment ...mind if I join the meal so I can hear about the run and live vicariously through you all!

Just tell him you'll meet them for dinner.

Do you know the saying "shy kids get nowt"?

If you don't say what you want, you won't get it.

Ask him? If you’re normally a runner too, just frame it as “Can you ask your friend to add me to the table for Thursday? I’d love to meet you guys for dinner after the run, because quite honestly I’d really love to get out the house and meet new people BUT it also means when I return to running after having the baby I’ve met everyone at the same time as you and can easily come go on the runs too!”

Some of the women may also have had kids and have advice on running post-partum etc. so mention that?!

I’d just approach it positively ☺️

I’ve not had kids yet but my husband and I both train a lot and he even said at one stage he was reluctant for me to train at the same time as him as I’d probably be fitter (the runs, not the weights!!) he loves it now but I KNOW I’ll be naturally resentful when he’s fit as a lop and I’m slowing down while pregnant. He knows getting my health and fitness back post-baby is a priority and that he needs to accept when he returns from work, he is not disappearing to the gym and it’s my time for a nice training session and he can go walk with baby ☺️

Just to clarify I am not part of the running group. We always ran just the two of us. I’ve never actually met these people. It’s one of his work colleagues and his group.

I don’t understand the bit where you said “I won’t tell him this of course”. Is lack of communication a running theme in your relationship (s’cuse pun).

Is anyone else’s partner invited?