To think jist feeling this rubbish is mum life reality?

[miniworry]

Just that really. I feel s, I look s and I feel like I don't even have enough energy or time in the day to eat healthy or even wash my hair let alone exercise or socialise.

I'm a mum to my DD 4 and my DS 15 months and I also work full time as a headteacher which involves not stopping the minute I get to work and also work in the evenings.

Prior to having my children I did CrossFit 5x a week, ate healthy and was 2 stone lighter than I am. Never skipped my hair or nail appointments and was never without freshly applied tan. Now I just about manage to squeeze 1 run in per week whilst my DD is at dance class, I just crave junk food or takeaway once the kids have gone to bed as I've had no time to make food, and I'm now on day 6 without washing my hair because I just can't muster the energy once they're in bed. The house is a pig sty mon-fri and I spend the weekends washing and tidying up with DH ready for it to be trashed again by Monday.

Is this just simply how utterly exhausting motherhood is? And that you just essentially let yourself go- or is there something I could change? I've had recent bloods checked so not low in anything, except self esteem. I hate looking in the mirror as my skin looks awful, my clothes are years old and I'm just not me anymore! I don't feel like the person I was when I married my DH .

I feel

Given you’re on a headteacher’s wage, could you afford a housekeeper? Or at the very least a cleaner a couple of times a week who also tidies etc to free up your weekends?

Yes, to an extent it is mum life but much less so if you can work part time. I honestly take my hat off to full time working mums. I only just manage to keep on top of the house, health and my sanity because I’m fortunate enough to be able to work FT.

i think you just have to grit your teeth and get through these younger years. I’d still try to ensure I kept my hair and nail appointments though and now the evenings are lighter maybe fit in a run or two in the evenings?

I empathise - this was me 30 odd years ago. All you can do is be super organised, get help with cleaning etc, and make sure the children’s father does his fair share.

But do try to enjoy your children. It may be a cliche, but they are only young once, and one day you will look back on these days with longing and nostalgia.

As a headteacher, surely you can afford a cleaner and childcare when needed? It is hard but on that wage there are lots of options available to you!

Can you outsource anything? The cooking perhaps?

I found it easier to fit in functional exercise like walking to school/work, playing with the dc rather than trying to carve out the time and energy for a separate activity,

The toddler/baby years are brutal. Putting yourself last isn’t that uncommon.

Can you afford a cleaner? If the house is untidy a lot, do you have enough storage?

Could you make a list of everything that you’d like to change, and maybe focus on one or two items for a few weeks at a time it becomes a habit? E.g. go for a 2nd run, or commit to one exercise class and don’t abandon it for anything? Make sure your living area is tidied each day?

Are your standards too high re tidying? As long as the bathroom and kitchen are clean, the world isn’t going to fall apart because of a bit of mess. Honestly, one day it will be better. I used to spend so much time at the weekend cleaning and tidying, and I wish I’d spent more of it doing fun stuff. I’m in the teen years now, we have a cleaner and we spend one evening a week having a tidy up before the cleaner comes. Beyond cooking/dishes/laundry there’s really not much else to do. But everything in my house has a place. Boxes wirh labels for cards & gift wrap, small tools & gadgets, spare batteries and dud batteries for recycling, etc. It took me a long time to get here though!

We do have a cleaner once a fortnight but maybe we need to consider upping it to once a week. There isn't all that much money left by the time we have paid for nursery and school fees, mortgage and bills etc to outsource much more!

I try and be organised and to everyone on the outside I am the woman with the 25 tabs open who gets everyone to where they need to be and first to have the activities organised- it just then means between that and work I just don't have any energy or capacity left for me anymore!

I should add that my DS is an awful sleeper and we are still regularly up 3x a night so I'm also functioning on about 5 hours broken sleep per night!

It sounds like you’re incredibly busy and you need to cut yourself some slack! Working a demanding job with two little ones is no mean feat. I’m currently on maternity leave with my 10 week old (third) baby, and I find it so much easier than juggling a demanding career and children. That 12-18m age range is also, in my opinion, the most difficult baby/toddler stage - where they are kind of mobile and opinionated but dangerous and irrational, so have to be watched like a hawk! I think things might get a bit easier as your youngest approaches two.

Practical tips that might work for you to keep treading water:

Get your cleaner to come every week. I put it off getting a cleaner for so long as I felt guilty. I don’t know why I did this. It’s the best investment. It frees up the weekend and stops the house from ever becoming unmanageable. I can’t bear mess and dirt and this holds us all accountable.

Build exercise into your day/week. Could you cycle or walk to work? Get a cargo bike to take the children with you? Husband and I will sometimes take the children to the park at the weekend and take it in turns to each go for a run. Or one of us will run to a weekend activity and the other will run home. Will your younger child nap in the pram whilst you do a quick walk? Or older one could play/join in whilst you do an at home exercise class?

Meal prep or meal deliveries seem to work for some. I’ve accepted that on busy days we will just eat very boring (but healthy) meals. An omelette or steamed fish or turkey and some veg or salad takes 10 minutes and it’s boring but everyone eats it.

I think it’s impossible to have a full-on self-care regimen, but it’s not unreasonable to carve out a few minutes for you every day and prioritise what makes you feel best in the least amount of time. I noticed around Christmas that I was neglecting myself in the madness of bath/bedtime for the children, so I bought myself some nice products and now do a two-minute skincare routine whilst they are in the bath, which has made me feel a lot better. I also have to have a shower and wash my hair every morning to be able to function, so my husband makes sure this happens, but I accept that it usually doesn’t get dried and gets stuck in a pony tail. I haven’t had a haircut for over a year, but I try to manage time for a pedicure once a month and that hour makes me feel human.

I think it's a stage -- particularly with a toddler (and 15m is the absolute worst age for needing constant attention). For me from 2 it started getting easier. My younger one is almost 3 and I'm getting glimpses of the old me. I now can leave them alone long enough to vacuum and wipe surfaces so the house is finally getting a bit cleaner. I still haven't been able to get back into longer walks or healthy eating but I think I will in a couple of years.

Is this a joke. You are a headteacher functioning on relentless broken sleep with 2 incredibly young children. I'm surprised you're still going.

I honestly don't believe we are made to do all this stuff and just skip on by. This has been normalised and you're then questioning why you're struggling.

Of course you are. This is a ridiculous load on your shoulders and you need help, a break and hope for the future.

You have got to increase the cleaning for definite. Once a week. I'd look at those delivery food companies which are sometimes better value than a food shop. I'd look at every opportunity to recruit help from people you know. I didn't see info about your husband but I hope he is pulling as much weight as you. And if he isn't, he needs to.

What you’re doing is basically impossible, something had to give and clearly it’s your own well being. You simply can’t do it all.
You need to either step down your job and go part time, or get help with the housekeeping and kids.

Cleaner once a week and also needs to iron.
Easy dinners
What does your dh do?
FFS wash your hair before it looks greasy and unprofessional
Moisturiser and handcream
Ask to have your colours done for birthday or Christmas

Re washing your hair do it in the shower rather than on a separate occasion. It'll take a few extra minutes while you're already showering. I blow dry the roots, roughly blow dry the ends, comb mousse through & then tie it up in a claw clip. When I get to work I let it loose to finish drying naturally but it's not a frizz bomb as I've partially styled it already.

I think it’s normal to have gained weight and to have less time to exercise or get your hair and nails done. Definitely normal for parents of young children to have a messy house. But you’ve really got to start washing your hair more often, and I think it would good for you to buy a couple new pieces of clothing that you really like.

Your dh needs to take on 50% of the chores and household organisation. It shouldn't fall all on you.

Get ready made cook meals for the days you're short on time. Instead of a nursery can you hire a nanny instead so they can be home based with the kids. This will save time on the nursery run and she can do meals for the kids.

https://www.cookfood.net/?srsltid=AfmBOopYvDkAgPuOc4KPGQ5FSC9epfSevTGP6ghz34qwNIVOoJniz9Oh

Get a mobile beauty therapist to come and do your nails at home and a mobile hairdresser if you need your hair done regularly.

I also have a cleaner once a week. She is very quick and it’s a massive psychological boost for me. Sometimes when she doesn’t come, I end up in tears. Try & get her for Friday or Saturday morning so you can start your weekend calmly. A big bottle of batiste for days when you don’t het your hair washed. Think of simple ways you look pulled together like earrings etc, hair tied back.

I have found making three dinners at once and freezing at the weekend is quite helpful.

When my kids were really young, I also got the cleaner to pop in twice a week, if even for 1-1.5 hours mid week to blitz downstairs.

Oh and car make up. Have some make up bits you can easily apply when out and about to make yourself look pulled together quickly and easily.

It is really tough going. Good luck.

Agree also you need some nice new clothes to make you feel good and fit your new shape.

A mobile beauty therapist has been a game changer for me. She comes at all sorts of times, including 8pm at night and I would never ever get a chance to go otherwise. There’s no queue and no waiting.

I mix a tiny bit of foundation & Maybelline illuminating primer in with my moisturiser. While it sinks in, I put mascara on & tinted Burts Bees lip tint. Then a sweep of bronzer/blusher & setting powder & I'm done.

https://www.next.co.uk/shop/brand-theset-0?p=3#1519.4222526550293

The aset by Next is a good place to get coordinatedcnasics in multi packs.

Thank you so much for all your advice ladies, this has really given me some practical tips- I've never even thought about the idea of a mobile beauty therapist!

My DH is a project engineer so another demanding role and as it's with airline freight he often works until around 12-1am meaning the brunt of bedtime and dinner time once me and the kids get home around 5:30 falls to me. He also has to frequently travel to Amsterdam as that's where their head off ice is located.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup wish it was a joke! But thank you for the validation that I am ok to be feeling a bit like I'm drowning in the middle of a lake!

Thank you all so much for your support, and the next multipack sets are genius! How did I not know they did these?

Spend your money on help.

Cleaner
Someone to iron clothes
Gardener
Babysitter
Shopping delivered
You can get healthy meals preped for you so all you have to do is put in oven.
Spend your money that's what it there for.

Can you have a shower with the kids in the evening? Then your hair is done. Swimming is also a great activity because you are out of the house so can’t make more mess and everyone arrives home clean.
The food cravings come from lack of sleep so you won’t overcome those until your sleep improves. You could stock up on microwave meals you find appealing that will be cheaper and hopefully more healthy than a takeaway.
Obviously get the cleaner more if it’s in the budget, plus supermarket delivery as PP have said.
Keep things like clear nail varnish, emery board, handcream in your desk drawer (at home and at work if you have the privacy) as it’s easy to do something for 30 seconds while you are doing a bit of thinking and it will all add up.
Order clothes online without thinking too much about it, you can return them.

I would try and think ahead too for everything and for instance have a stock of tights sitting there weeks before you need them for autumn, and your clothes basically bought and ready.

If you don’t have one, you could get a second freezer for batch cooked healthy foods, an instant pot which can be used for slow cooking and pressure cooking and some ready meals for yourself on 0% energy days. My friend buys those frozen blocks of spag bol which you can serve to kids.

I find by about Wednesday I’m wrecked and a freezer dinner like chips and something is good for the kids that night.

I found keeping a steak in the fridge is handy for nights when you think take away. You could have a long dated steak in the fridge and steamfresh veg and a baked potato and throw together a meal for yourself within a few minutes.

For me, getting everyone into their jammies asap was a step forward. One less thing to do when everyone is exhausted and narky.

Outsource housework.

Dh should do all.morning routine with kids so ypu can get up an hour early and do your exercise before work.