To think jist feeling this rubbish is mum life reality?

[miniworry]

Just that really. I feel s, I look s and I feel like I don't even have enough energy or time in the day to eat healthy or even wash my hair let alone exercise or socialise.

I'm a mum to my DD 4 and my DS 15 months and I also work full time as a headteacher which involves not stopping the minute I get to work and also work in the evenings.

Prior to having my children I did CrossFit 5x a week, ate healthy and was 2 stone lighter than I am. Never skipped my hair or nail appointments and was never without freshly applied tan. Now I just about manage to squeeze 1 run in per week whilst my DD is at dance class, I just crave junk food or takeaway once the kids have gone to bed as I've had no time to make food, and I'm now on day 6 without washing my hair because I just can't muster the energy once they're in bed. The house is a pig sty mon-fri and I spend the weekends washing and tidying up with DH ready for it to be trashed again by Monday.

Is this just simply how utterly exhausting motherhood is? And that you just essentially let yourself go- or is there something I could change? I've had recent bloods checked so not low in anything, except self esteem. I hate looking in the mirror as my skin looks awful, my clothes are years old and I'm just not me anymore! I don't feel like the person I was when I married my DH .

I feel

Also. If your husband's job is high effort relatively low pay it doesn't sound like it's a good value equation for your family. He could eg go part time and not see much of an impact on the family finances. But could make a huge impact on the family wellbeing including yours. Time for a convo about what sort of value you need him to add?

I'll give one pro tip that has been great
I find cooking and cleaning sort of ok but thinking of meals that suit all 5 of us is a total drag. A month ago I spent about 30 minutes teaching chT gpt what we liked and didn't like and got it to do a 4 week meal plan. I don't cater too much to picky eayers but things like - child A likes carrots, peas, broccoli, child B likes salad, etc. With a bit of tweaking it made me a banging meal plan. I also ask it do write a list which I do to plan my online food shop. Wow, it's been fabulous Nd meant I haven't had to think 'wtf is for dinner" for a month now!

God, loads.
Curries, chillis, bolognese, soups even.
Make loads of different pasta sauces - the best one to start with is making a really good tomato sauce that you can freeze in batches. Loads of recipes online. Reheat in the microwave, chuck some pasta and grated cheddar (and cherry tomatoes and basil if you’re feeling enthusiastic) and voila.
i make basil pesto as well, freeze in little pods, defrost when needed. Add chopped broccoli and olives and pasta and boom, delicious.

to be honest though you can simplify the process further if you can’t be arsed to batch cook. Get a (frozen) chicken breast or pork loin, douse with soy sauce and Worcestershire sauce, leave in the fridge for a few hours (while at work), grill or bake when you come home.
I buy reduced sticker bags of potato’s, cut up some of them into fries, put oil and paprika with them, bake them and serve with the meat. Serve with peas or broccoli. Takes very little effort and time really.

I would suggest to your DH that he cuts his working hours or looks for a new job that is less demanding so he can do his share at home. You are the breadwinner but it also sounds as if you are shouldering more of the domestic and childcare load than he is.

Senior role in education here and three of five and under. Apart from a fabulous cleaner (and respect to the pp who has found a way to outsource the school run) the thing that saved me is giving up on fancy meals. I figure they are at least offered warm food at school. At home we go to the market on a Saturday morning and they eat mango, blueberries and banana by the fistful. Sweetcorn in the husk is always popular too.

My theory is that kids are basically fruitbats. Throw a yogurt in after school and the odd shredded wheat and meal times/clean up are one thing you can take off the list.

I would like to hear more about your systems please! They sound like what I need…

It's so easy to get stuck in a rut when you've got young children, it's brutal. I only managed to go to the gym in my lunch break because it was next door to my work, not so easy when you're a headteacher I guess. It took me years to be able to exercise in the evening or in the morning, there was never enough time, nor energy. I've got no solutions, just sympathy.

I can't thank you all enough for some great tips to help me stay afloat- I'm going to speak to the cleaner today to see whether we can up to weekly cleans and also planning a big freezer shop of ready meals this weekend.

Does anyone have any tips in terms of quick self care that is effective/supplements they feel work for them to at least give them a modicum of energy when running on broken sleep?!

Have had 3 bursts of 2 hours sleep between wake ups last night, DS teeth have been really bothering him, I feel drunk today I'm so tired 😅

@miniworrybasically I had to do that. I stepped down so I could become part time. Absolutely my choice (not DH) and at the time it was a real stretch for us financially). It was a very very hard decision to make not once I returned to work I settled very quickly. I have never once regretted it and at early 40s I know I can step up again if and when I chose to in the future. Not saying this is what you should do BTW, Just telling you what helped our family get some balance during the hectic younger years.

Just a couple of tips:

1. Could you get a haircut so that washing and drying your hair doesn't take as long? I'm trying to say this kindly, but your hair cannot look or smell good on Day 6 without a wash, and looking professional is very important in your role.

2. Rather than relying on junk food or takeaways, could you instead switch to easy-to-prepare 'comfort foods'? Eggs are great for this- e.g. omelettes, scrambled eggs on toast- and it will be much lower calorie and more nutritious. If you're struggling to get your 5 a day in, snack on fruit and veg which requires no preparation whatsoever- apples, bananas, pears, even whole carrots dipped in houmous.

Oh op, so your sleep is broken because of little ones otherwise you would sleep yep,
Could you and h discuss doing night each so at least one of you get to sleep through, i know it's not great but while there teething might work better, spare room for person to sleep, I know but otherwise your both woken, magnesium salts in bath before bed helps with sleeping but your being woken unfortunately, sorry am not helping here,

But teething I found Asthon & parsons teething powders were great for mine over night,

That’s really not helpful. Of course she can do it, it’s a stage and it will pass.

I think sometimes with very young children it can frequently feel as if you’re drowning while your partner impassively watches you from the lifeboat. They aren’t - but it can feel that way.

All of the last three years I’ve felt like this. I’ve felt like I’ve been just bobbing above the surface, all my energy spent on just surviving. It’s only now I’m coming through the fog a bit. I know a lot of MNetters reckon that toddlers are the easy bit and teens are worse but I don’t agree.

Very young children things are tricky

why don’t You feed yourself what you feed the children ?

@justgoandgetpizza your analogy has just summed it up perfectly there! Sorry you're feeling the same too!!

its So difficult and I also had a disabled child thrown into the mix and no parents close by. Also a husband who couldn’t help due to work commitments long hours and being a lot crap at household stuff 😩 ..
i love the idea of therapists coming to you🥳 I’d have that of an evening .. massage / hair / nails 💅 -and also a nicely bit of girly chat. Could you cook a whole chicken / piece of beef/ gammon and have with new potatoes/ bags of salad during the week . Definitely someone in to clean tidy & do the ironing ( if not the whole laundry) . Try and get out for walks local to where you live with funny / inspiring podcasts .. no need to drive anywhere / pay for membership you can’t use. But most of all enjoy your children as it’s over too soon

I’m sorry, I know it’s hard work but there is absolutely no excuse for not having clean hair. I assume you do shower? It add like 2/3 minutes just do it! I always worked full time , I do get it. But you just have to DO IT| then stuff gets done, really the only thing stopping you from feeling better about yourself is you. And I do mean this kindly , I really do. Maybe order hello fresh or the like ( because deciding what to eat is a bitch) and I exercise with my walking pad under my desk, so maybe try that when working in the evenings? Re tidy home, how does it get so messy when no one is there in the day if you tidy every weekend?

I know you probably mean well but I don’t think OP getting her colours done is going to improve her quality of life right now.

I’m on MAT leave with DD2 and honestly this is so minor, but I cut my hair shorter when it shed really badly and it’s been life changing. Feel so much more put together, takes 2 mins to wash, dries quick and takes a minute to straighten. I did have super long thick hair though so depends if you’re similar.

Also the more I force myself to exercise the more energised and proactive I feel so if you could squeeze some other form of work out in that would probably help! It’s expensive but David Lloyd membership has really helped us out as it has a creche option.

I know a few. I knew one who realised she never saw her kid and gave it up to be a class teacher in another school. She’s now DH at that school and much happier / kid is older.

I know another who left after her 3rd. She was to e most ambitious person I’ve ever known,
but LinkedIn tells me she’s taken a sabbatical.

Sounds like your husband is being underpaid and needs to job hunt.

I can relate! I wasn't a HT but deputy in a very large international school, we don't live in the UK. DH also had to travel every quarter. Due to where we lived a 7 day work trip would be 10 days because of travel. I also have 2 children and also similar to you, i was the main wage earner as even though DH had a good job, he was remote, so his earnings were on a UK scale but we lived in Scandinavia. We definitely couldn't afford to outsource!

My tips are

Get out of bed AT LEAST an hour before everyone else. I used this time to have a coffee, check my emails (so I knew what I was facing ahead) and get myself showered and dressed before anyone emerged. This worked wonders and I cannot recommend it enough. It did mean I woke up at 4.30am in a week day though.

Slow cooker, especially when DH was travelling. Homemade meatballs, curry etc, prepped the night before, in the fridge, put it on as you leave. When you get home, it's a quick pasta, rice, potatoes in water whilst kids have a shower and pyjamas. Then dinner together after.

Capsule wardrobe- i don't have Next here, but have a similar shop with multiples in a collection. Works perfectly.

DH and I use a Trello board for family admin. The more you use this the better it gets! No more discussing admin, missing appointments or forgetting to buy milk. I use Trello in my work now also.

Make sure you have as much electronic help as possible! Dishwasher, robot hoover, self dosing washing machine all helps a lot!

Working in schools is often impossible to switch off from. I had 2 mobiles, one for me one for work. I made it clear to my tram that after 5 30pm on a Friday, I was done and would be available again around 6pm Sunday. Phone went off.

I studied as well at one point on top of full time. During this time I often sat in bed with DH after kids had gone to bed with my laptop. We watched Sopranos and I did my paperwork. Doesn't sound ideal, but we actually look back on it fondly. DH used to provide good snacks too! It worked better than me stressed sitting at the table.

I would also suggest whispering book a day off work, one that won't cause you more work to have off and use it to set up our new admin/life routine. Get ahead. Set up Trello, order some, clothes, prep some meals etc. Give yourself the time and headspace to figure this out. 1 day will make all the difference to you, but won't matter to anyone else.

I hope this helps! But honestly, it gets better.

It is getting better. My DS is four and a half and while he’s no trouble alone it can be tricky meeting his needs with the toddler. She’s two next month and up until now I’d have said she was easy; sleep was an issue from 6-18 months but an easygoing toddler, but now the terrible twos are really hitting and she’s having a lot of tantrums. I know it’s normal but it can be a bit exhausting!

I think next summer when they are three and five and a half life will be looking good again. In a way it is only a brief phase but it isn’t a brief phase when you’re in it!

OP, do you have a day where you leave at 4? A non negotiable? If not try it. People soon get used to it, and respect it.

sleep is my biggest issue. I just Cannot function on broken sleep. I’ve started trying to use breathing techniques to fall asleep quickly to maximise sleep. Alternatively, you might
sleep better with a double bed in son’s room. Personally I was always ‘never ever will I cosleep’ but I now get mine into my
bed when they wake for a wee so I can sleep as well as possible. I’m having to ‘survive’.

If husband isn’t home after school could you get a local (not from your school!) 6th former to come and be a ‘mothers help’ from 4-6? Even for a few days a week. You’d then be able to jump in the shower while the 6th former popped the oven on/read with daughter etc.or fold laundry while you are with the kids, so after bed time you have a bit of brain space to do an hours work. I know a few mams (not teachers) who had a nursery worker come round to help with bathtime
when their partner was away.

My head teacher takes his dry cleaning out/ collects at lunchtime - utilising small breaks so jobs don’t pile up.

My kids are a very similar age to yours and I have a high pressure job although I only work (or at least, am only paid to work!) three days per week.

All the practical advice has been doled out already, but it really sounds like you as a couple are prioritising your husbands career at the expense of yours when his isn't the one paying the bills! We had this and honestly, I chose it as my hill to die on and refused to go back any more than 60% and told my husband he needed to find a better paying job. Which I appreciate is not possible for everyone, he works in Sales and the sales job market is always buoyant.

But you do need to do something about this - he's going to have to pick up some of the big jobs off you. Dealing with the cleaner? Dealing with ALL the laundry? Doing the meal plan/ box ordering/ food shop etc? I get you have to be home to do the actual feeding, bathing and bedding of the children (because SAME!) but if he's not there, he needs to contribute to it. Sauntering in after it's all done while you go to pieces cannot be an option.

Re, the feeling like yourself again, I get up at 5am to do a quick home workout and then I go into the shower with my clothes for the day and put my make up on while I am in there. That's my non-negotiable. I'm only coming out half done if the house is on fire. Work out the timings in the morning and what you NEED to do, to feel good and get that done for yourself first.

Fingers crossed for you working out something that helps and SOLIDARITY!