To think jist feeling this rubbish is mum life reality?

[miniworry]

Just that really. I feel s, I look s and I feel like I don't even have enough energy or time in the day to eat healthy or even wash my hair let alone exercise or socialise.

I'm a mum to my DD 4 and my DS 15 months and I also work full time as a headteacher which involves not stopping the minute I get to work and also work in the evenings.

Prior to having my children I did CrossFit 5x a week, ate healthy and was 2 stone lighter than I am. Never skipped my hair or nail appointments and was never without freshly applied tan. Now I just about manage to squeeze 1 run in per week whilst my DD is at dance class, I just crave junk food or takeaway once the kids have gone to bed as I've had no time to make food, and I'm now on day 6 without washing my hair because I just can't muster the energy once they're in bed. The house is a pig sty mon-fri and I spend the weekends washing and tidying up with DH ready for it to be trashed again by Monday.

Is this just simply how utterly exhausting motherhood is? And that you just essentially let yourself go- or is there something I could change? I've had recent bloods checked so not low in anything, except self esteem. I hate looking in the mirror as my skin looks awful, my clothes are years old and I'm just not me anymore! I don't feel like the person I was when I married my DH .

I feel

My DH is a project engineer so another demanding role and as it's with airline freight he often works until around 12-1am meaning the brunt of bedtime and dinner time once me and the kids get home around 5:30 falls to me. He also has to frequently travel to Amsterdam as that's where their head off ice is located.

This is your issue. You cannot do a job like yours, without a partner doing their half of the slog at home. It doesn't work. You will be completely run ragged and will burn out. Presumably if he works late, he does the morning drops etc??

DH and i used to be like this, it did not work. DH has had to make changes in his role to work more flexibly to allow for me working and him doing his share at home.

Do not kid yourself that you can do/have it all with no changes/sacrifices versus life pre kids. You are not going to fit in 5 crossfit sessions a week around children and a hugely demanding job - but could you get an exercise bike at home or a treadmill?

Also? Stop setting yourself mad standards. If you WANT to get your nails done, fine, but don't feel you must or look "ungroomed" if you don't - how many men do you see with nails/makeup/face tan? I don't bother with these things any more and its amazing how you soon get used to a more natural look, I love how I look now.

Most of my colleagues have cut back on heavy makeup, and heavily made up women start looking slightly strange and cartoonish if everyone else is wearing less.

I genuinely don't understand how you don't have the money for a cleaner.
Is your mortgage huge? In which case is it worth considering moving to a smaller house actually getting some quality life. There is no point living beyond your means if you're missing out beyond survival when the kids are small.
Whereever you're stretching yourself financially is it really really worth destroying your mental and physical health.

Agree with PP what you are doing is too much - I think you need to stop, pause and really evaluate where you are at. Is this what you want from your life? I have been in similar position but within social work and young child (not even children) and ended up making myself so unwell I needed 5 months off! What you are doing is not doable without serious compromises and those currently are your health and emotional well-being. I've stepped down into a more manageable middle management role and am 0.9 and I am able to have so much more of a life now and am also much more present and emotionally and practically available for my DD. Recently we had Ofsted and so was working all hours for a few weeks and my DD got quite upset because it really reminded her of how it used to be. She never complained at the time but I can see now I wasn't modelling healthy patterns for her and I couldn't show up for her, me or my marriage the way I wanted to.
Aside from that - throw everything you can at buying time, cleaner weekly, we had a gardener to help out with practical big jobs there, online food shop etc.

I agree that, given your husband’s role and schedule, something has to give. I only survived ‘the trenches’ because I had a fabulous mother’s help - and a husband who took over once he got home from work. He also did the weekly shop and would look after the children at the weekend so I could catch up with paperwork.

YANBU, its a complete grind

It gets better when your dc start sleeping.

Honestly, parenting young dc is tiring and relentless. My dc are teens and tweens now, and I have a lot of my hobbies back.

All these people saying "how can you not have enough money to pay for more help?" - how supremely unhelpful. All it takes is nursery fees + mortgage + usual bills and there is very little left over for a lot of people. And suggesting moving house is just as unhelful - the costs and hassles of buying and selling for someone already stretched that thin? Come on.

What I found helped (a bit):

• showering in the evening with kids
• getting up at the crack of dawn for exercise that you can do at home/from home (I run at 0530 in the summer when its light)
• food shopping delivered once a week
• religious meal planning and prep
• lots of one pan dishes that I can prep whilst DD is eating her supper and bung in the oven to cook whilst I do bathtime and bedtime
• ROUTINE (I have set days for dark wash/light wash/towels/bedding) - you miss the slot? Bad luck
• lower your expectations

Our mortgage isn't extreme- it's around £1700 a month but we currently have full time nursery fees plus school fees for my DD as she attends my school (I work in independent) so once that's catered for it's a huge chunk!!

We do also go on holidays twice a year abroad and then some caravan type breaks because that's so important to me that we get to spend that time together, otherwise what are we working for?

I agree with all of the PP that it isn't sustainable- I guess I just fell into the social media norm trap of believing women could have everything, I've worked so had to get to where I am in my career but having kids has made me reevaluate that.

I’m sorry, I just laughed out loud. You clearly have no idea how much a HT earns! It’s not a bad salary but it is nowhere near in the realm of ‘hire a housekeeper’, cleaner once a week and send out ironing maybe.

OP start with easy meals + veg. So a Charlie Bingham pie with a microwave greens bag. do a slow cooker meal on Sunday that can work for mon/tues. Gousto have some nice slow cooker meals or get the Gousto 10 min meals to encourage you to cook but start small.

With hair washing…have a bath/ shower when 15m naps at the weekend. 4 year old is old enough to be left watching tv or playing quietly so long as she knows where you are. Make it a routine.

depending on your DH… have a shower as soon as you get in from work while kids are playing and he supervises. This will make you feel more relaxed but also get a job ticked off the list.

with exercise … could you start a lunch time run club at school? Sounds silly, but I’ve seen teachers do it before. You end up with a little pied piper train behind you in primary. You
could even rope in a y6 ‘hare’ to keep you going.

In secondary does the school have a gym? You can put it down as a ‘lead by example’ way to get to know kids and ask the PE department for support.

nails are a pain cos you just can’t drop your nails off at the salon! Could you get someone to come to your house? You could
also let them know you are ‘doing a course’ and need to listen to a podcast while they’re doing nails. You can then crack on listening to an education podcast so you are doubling up on time.

commit To calling 1 family/friend per car journey just to say hi. Makes you feel like you’re on top of life.

Pick your battles. Can you afford to get a cleaner in occasionally? Order some healthy meal boxes/prep meals? takeaway night?

You need some designated time just for you, maybe also have some pamper bits at home, I do my own lash lifts etc, fresh pjs, tidy up of my own nails etc. x

Forking out for a cleaner 3/4 times a week will change your life.

This has hit me but later down the road than you. When mine were little I somehow held it all together, now they’re teenagers I’m struggling. Also have a v intense job though and finding that shift work does not get easier as you age!

When my kids were your age we were in a similar position time and financially. Food wise I went for easy meals. Frozen chopped onions, peppers, etc, tubs of garlic rather than fresh, microwave rice etc. If kids had eaten at nursery and us at work then scrambled eggs on toast for dinner. Batch cook bolognaise etc so we had something in the freezer. We also got some gousto 10 min meals and that made our meals a bit more interesting but were quick easy.

In all honesty the merri-go-round doesn’t stop as they get older as they then do more activities so finding ways to save time and accepting you can’t do it all has been key for me. But yes it sucks. And often my brain feels like it may explode with just life stuff!

Aww op, you can only do so much, cut yourself some slack, it's bloody hard going, full time demanding job two young ones, yes very busy, very overwhelming and tiring op this is it, it's normal, your not wonder woman or mary Poppins that's OK too,

But you have to run a tight ship here,
Pre prep meals and freeze, ( slow cooker was my go to, honestly saves some much time) would throw food in before work, meal ready at tea time, throw another meal in over night, meal ready, so things like stew, chicken curry's, lamb joint with veg, anything I could cook in there went in,
I got up 1 hour before everyone so I could prep, half hour of excise, cuppa coffee, quick shower, clothes for children, put a wash on, this just give me some time to get organised before children's breakfast,

Home time for you and children should be your quality family time, yes that's on you unfortunately but 2 hours of feeding bathing story time, then half hour to tidy up after children, now glass of wine and breathe sit and do nothing because it starts again tomorrow, keep a dairy,

But know that this is normal and it does get easier as children grow, ride the mum wave for now , it does get better 💐

No advice that hasn't been said but I'm with you on the getting blood tests bit, nothing wrong just knackered!

I can pat myself on the back for e.g. bulk buying birthday cards and presents, and it does help a bit, but then something breaks in the house, or you need to haggle with your car insurance the week a child is ill, or the dog needs the vet and it all unravels.

I do always book the next hair/nail appointment before I leave though, at least my nails look nice while I'm unravelling.

I honestly don't know what we'd do without a significant amount of WFH so I take my hat off to you

I'm not surprised, you have so much on your plate! Have you thought of doing this stuff with the kids although not ideal. I'm a single mum, so things like having a bath, washing my hair and getting my nails done, he is with me. I tried doing it separately but that's how I've ended up letting myself go too long.
Yesterday for instance, I just said mummy has to wash her hair and he plays with the bath water, then I wrap it in a towel and let it air dry whilst we play. I would prefer to blow dry but at least it is clean and not looking greasy. It's also not as relaxing as I would like but it gets the job done. As they get older and can entertain themselves more, it will get easier - it's just doing what we can for now :)

I sympathise and I think if you continue like this, you're at risk of being ill. Before I retired, I was a headteacher and busy Mum so I can picture your life but maybe I'm more selfish than you because I always looked smart (made time for that) and had a clean house (paid for cleaning, laundry & ironing).

Given the job, I'm sure you're an excellent analyst and problem solver so perhaps you could approach the situation as though you were helping someone else. I bet you could find answers to these questions:

• How can you access help to improve the toddler's sleep? You know you can't function without sleep so should you make this a priority?
• How does your house become trashed so quickly when you're all out of it all day? What changes could be made to stop that happening?
• Why isn't your hygiene routine part of your morning/evening? What changes could be made to put that right?
• What can you delegate at school so that you bring less work home?
• Have you set overly ambitious standards / targets / timescales for yourself at school? Are these impacting on your home life?
• Have you and DH done a financial audit recently to focus on those priorities that will improve your quality of day-to-day life eg having more outside help and more self care? If not, why not?
• Does your school provide professional development opportunities for you so that you could book some personal coaching sessions for yourself? If not, could you ask for that?

Sending all best wishes to you. 💐

Would moving your children to state schools be an option? Surely this would free up a significant amount of money and allow you to either buy in more help or for one of you to reduce your working hours.

It seems like you are killing yourself for a lifestyle you cant really sustain. It's not worth it.

I think you need to try and pick up just a bit of your old normal, and maybe even something new and different to make you feel better. Don't think about having ALL your stuff, just make sure you get SOME of it.

If you had a haircut every six weeks, try every ten weeks. The last Sunday of the month is your "me day". Go for an extra run each week.

First Tuesday of the month is my "me day" (luckily I WFH) - I work overtime two other days that week so I can take time off during the day to sort out my nails, skin, hair etc.

It’s the sleep. Get more sleep and everything else will seem less daunting. I speak as somebody who has very definitely been there. Is there anything you can do to improve DS’s broken nights? A cleaner more often and being kind to yourself about cutting a few corners when it helps (like ready-made meals) will also give you some breathing space.

If I could afford a cleaner I would switch to Fridays and pay extra for the beds to be changed.

4 year old needs to do "tidy up time" before bed and put toys away. House does not need to be permanently trashed / everything everywhere.

Saturday morning daddy is in charge and you go to a gym class / wash your hair there in peace / then get nails done.

Slow cooker on at weekend. Portions frozen in metal trays which can be heated in the oven.

Life can feel a drudge, need to find ways to make it easier. Lots of great suggestions on this thread

I completely hear you re the holidays and how important they are but I'd suggest you need to reduce these a bit in order to pay for more help. Cancel one completely or cut them back a bit and you'll free up th ebudget to make life better on a daily basis.

So yes to a cleaner weekly - and make sure htat includes things like changing bedding, ironing etc. This frees up a lot of the weekend and makes day to day life that bit easier/nicer.

This isn't always great for family time, but for my own mental health, on weekends we had to have at least half a day each to ourselves while the other one handled the kids/chores. Without it we'd have fallen over and I know a lot of people find it outrageous that we weren't cramming "family" time in, but I needed that break. Those few hours where I wasnt' rushing to someone elses schedule. It wasn't unusual for DH to take the DC out and I might be still at home doing a few chores - but it was "pottering" rather than full blown rushing to get 3 loads of washing done because we were so behind.

Also, prioritise things yoyu love. So if you used to do a lot more exercise, how can you make that happen? Do you need to go in the morning while your DH sorts the kids? is it part of your weekend half day to yourself?

I'm sorry you are feeling under pressure but I can't be the only one thinking you have 6 weeks terms (or less in an independent) so use the VERY LONG SCHOOL HOLIDAYS to get ready for the next term?
Batch prep bags for the slow cooker or air fryer.
Presumably you get a cooked lunch at school so dinner can be something more easy going?

Lots of people are where you are but work all year round.

It does get easier though. I found Year 1 upwards was much easier. Then Year 3 upwards when the kids can dress and get their own breakfast independently (and clean up after) much easier.

Like everything else, this soon shall pass.

You are in that zone of both doing stressful, demanding jobs but not in the income category where you can outsource much. I know some people miraculously seem to manage it but I don’t know how. I would definitely see if you can up the cleaner’s hours, but it is still going to be tough. My previous head had young children but joint salary with her DH payed for a nanny and a cleaner. The one before that also had children but her DH was a stay at home dad.