To think jist feeling this rubbish is mum life reality?

[miniworry]

Just that really. I feel s, I look s and I feel like I don't even have enough energy or time in the day to eat healthy or even wash my hair let alone exercise or socialise.

I'm a mum to my DD 4 and my DS 15 months and I also work full time as a headteacher which involves not stopping the minute I get to work and also work in the evenings.

Prior to having my children I did CrossFit 5x a week, ate healthy and was 2 stone lighter than I am. Never skipped my hair or nail appointments and was never without freshly applied tan. Now I just about manage to squeeze 1 run in per week whilst my DD is at dance class, I just crave junk food or takeaway once the kids have gone to bed as I've had no time to make food, and I'm now on day 6 without washing my hair because I just can't muster the energy once they're in bed. The house is a pig sty mon-fri and I spend the weekends washing and tidying up with DH ready for it to be trashed again by Monday.

Is this just simply how utterly exhausting motherhood is? And that you just essentially let yourself go- or is there something I could change? I've had recent bloods checked so not low in anything, except self esteem. I hate looking in the mirror as my skin looks awful, my clothes are years old and I'm just not me anymore! I don't feel like the person I was when I married my DH .

I feel

No, it’s not reality. You have taken on too much and aren’t outsourcing enough. The only families I know who both are on such demanding full time roles outsource so so much. You will burn out unless you make some changes.
it sounds like your dh isn’t doing 50/50 in the home due to his job. His job seems like an absolute luxury given your circumstances. Unless he’s being paid so much money to be at the companies beck and call like that that you can afford pretty much full time help, then he needs to look for new roles that mean he can take off your plate. But there are surely some things he can do - you seem to be doing the mental load too, can’t he organise stuff remotely if he’s away from home? If he’s working till midnight then presumably he has the morning to batch cook etc.
thr next thing I’d look to drop is the private school. Private school is not worth a mum who has a breakdown.

I love all the people saying‘because you’re on an amazing wage’- while op may need to be reminded there’s the possibility of getting someone in, I don’t think she needs to be made feel like she’s on a huge wage, people on decent money are struggling now

She didn’t mention the school fees initially to be fair, it sounds like she would have a lot more disposable income without them

You have a house worth a £1700 mortgage, a child in private school, a cleaner, and 2 abroad holidays a year. As well as 2 top jobs. Please get some perspective.

I’m a lawyer married to a doctor, both working FT plus. We outsource all cleaning, ironing, gardening, school runs and get groceries delivered weekly. DS is disabled, so between laundry/cooking, keeping on top of DS’ appointments and trying not to look like a frazzled crone, it still feels like a lot. You need more hands on deck!

I hear you! Sole parent with no family help of multiples here and I’ve always worked full time in busy stressful jobs (although def not as stressful as yours!) mine are mid primary now, but this is what I did and do

1. cleaner every week for sure! Plus Gardner if needed in season. Car washed in car wash place (kids love that!)
2. 5 uniforms for each child so no mid week washing needed. School lunches for them whether they like it or not!
3. laundry Friday night and sat. Get a machine with timer so one load can be ready to put out when you wake up on sat. sort laundry as it comes off line - non iron stuff folded and put upstairs asap. Ironing all done in one batch on Sunday evening whilst catching up a fave programme.
4. hair dresser that comes to house one midweek evening every 6 weeks. No need for childcare and she can do them too. If it’s someone who can do beauty too then even better!
5. gym / classes not doable! But walking / cycling with kids at weekends is and maybe even park run if it’s your thing!
6. dry shampoo is a saviour!!! I know you’ll already be in school by 7.30 if not before, so don’t beat yourself up if you don’t have capacity in mornings!
7. seeing friends is so hard, but maybe schedule phone catch up every half term one evening when kids asleep?

it’s bloody hard and relentless, but if you protect as much of the weekends / holidays as you can for fun family stuff suddenly being a mummy is joyous again in those little bursts xx

I think its pretty normal when kids are young. My two are almost 6 and almost 11 now and I am back to tanning, crossfit, and generally looking after myself. I work full time and find everything hard to fit in and my house is a bit of a dump a lot of the time.

Sorry OP this all sounds very hard.
You & your DH obviously work very hard for what you have (dc at independent school, multiple holidays etc) but I’m of the mind that I would rather have more time for myself and family at home and be content in our everyday life (eg by spending on outsourcing cleaning, me going to bed early & waking before family to get a cuppa / meditation in, DH with DC while I go for a run on a Sunday morning etc), than spending on multiple holidays a year.
To me there is little value in multiple holidays if you are not content / drowning in your everyday life, so I would sacrifice a couple of those for a more regular house clean / exercise class for you.
But I do get that everyone is different in that respect and I am also out of the baby / toddler years which makes things easier xx

Cleaners are always pushed on these threads and they just aren’t the answer (imo anyway) - you have to tidy for them which is a massive headache and a lot of them just aren’t very good.

@miniworry i only worked full time briefly after DS. I’m currently three days a week and struggle with that so you’re absolutely NBU. And fifteen months is exhausting. The next twelve months will see a huge change, though

Your DH's job needs to change- working til 12/1 every night?

I've a teacher for a long time and worked in a lot of schools. I've never known a female Headteacher with very small children. Male ones? Sure. Wife looks after the dc and the house, obvs. Tbh I'd have struggled being a full time teacher at all with that age dc. I certainly wouldn't have been bothering with nail appointments and fake tan

Anything at work you can automate/streamline?

Maybe take weekly meetings down to monthly, for example?

Thank you so much for all the solidarity and some really really practical tips - I'd never given the thought of mobile nail techs and hairdressers, what a genius idea!!

@TheWickerHare wasn't a really helpful reply- I'm not moaning about what I have and am very grateful, although nothing we have has come without hard work. I grew up on a council estate with parents who left school without qualifications and had minimum wage 1 income jobs so I've worked damn hard to get to where we are now. I was just asking whether anyone could offer some practical tips to help the load.

In regards to putting my DD into a state school to free up some income- it's much easier to have her at the same school as me as I don't need to pay for any wraparound care and if something crops up that means I'm at school late I haven't got to panic about her not being collected she can be in my office with me. I can also see all of her assemblies and be there for all events which I wouldn't be able to do otherwise.

Also I wish my husbands job meant that we had the money to outsource a nanny, cleaner, gardener, meal delivery etc. I'm actually the breadwinner, my DH doesn't earn as much as me despite the crazy working hours he does. I've tried to tell him that we can't both do it all and he promises to scale it back but he's such a work-a-holic

@justgoandgetpizza also yes the mad dash round at 9am to tidy before the cleaner comes is real isn't it 🤣 I think I'd rather them clean one week and just tidy the other as that's the bit I hate!

Definitely get one weekly. Your kids are at very messy ages. You will probably look about 5 years younger next year. Honestly! I look back at photos of me with too little ones and I look grey. And never had a job half as stressful as yours.

I would definitely consider upping your cleaner to weekly OP. And quite honestly, life is really hard working full time in a senior position whilst also caring for small children and running a home. I held a very senior position before DC, I decided to reduce my role slightly so I could work part time as my DH has a big job too and I really wanted to have the balance of time at home whilst maintaining my career. Is part time an option at all?

@Wethers121 that sounds like you managed to strike a good balance whilst they were young- part time isn't really an option, the governors won't allow it unless I stepped down from head and then there would be no guarantee of ever getting back to that position if someone came in during the meantime

@jjeoreo this made me laugh, I honestly hope the 5 years time me is significantly better like you 🤣

I get the “evening routine” is on me part, as my DH works late shifts, so 4 in 8 I’m always on my own, as well as working full time.
Big game changers for me are showering whilst DD is in the bath. Both in the same room (obviously), but it means I’m clean and in my PJs by the time she goes to bed. Wet hair, if I’ve washed it, starts to dry too, so takes less time to blow dry.

Honestly lower your standards with meals, if the children have a hot meal at lunch, think simple picky plates. You can have so much variety and mine at least eats them really well. I don’t worry too much about odd combinations, just make sure there is carbohydrates, protein and veg. For you, either get a hot meal at work (if time and not too expensive) then you can have a picky plates too. If you want to eat later, plate it up whilst feeding the kids, then it’s less to do and the temptation to order a takeaway isn’t there. I can normally get the dishwasher stacked/kitchen wiped as well. Or as another poster has said, simple protein, steamed veg and jacket potato/sweet potato or something like cous cous you can make very quickly. My air fryer is perfect for this. When your DH is at home, make sure you are having meals that can be batched too, so you’ve got good microwave options in the freezer. I regularly dig out a frozen Dahl, add a naan bread from the freezer and some mango chutney. Life saver after a tough day at work, and we are home late after an activity like swimming lesson. DD will have a packed tea in the car on this evening too, and I change her into PJs at the pool, so it’s straight upstairs for teeth, stories and bed.

So you make the most money and you do most of the childcare, most of the housework, most of the mental load… your problem is clear, whether you want to accept that or not.

I think it sounds within the realms of normal thought on the more exhausted scale. I work four days a week, two kids similar ages to yours.Youngest doesn’t sleep so constantly very sleep deprived still. I don’t get my nails done any more and a hair cut is a rarity, but I do manage to exercise a few times a week (I got out when they’re in bed) as I find it energises me. We have a cleaner one a week so make an effort to tidy the house properly at least once a week before she comes. I completely get craving the junk food though or just quick food, I do too. I think it’s a vicious cycle. I find having hello fresh helps.

Women CAN have everything but only in the same way that men can... With help. Outsource the hell out of your life. It doesn't mean you are failing.

I’m kind of in the same boat with a 3.5 and 2 year old. It’s just in the last couple of months getting easier.
i look like shit. My hair looks like shit. My clothes are shit. One thing I do do though is batch cook like a pro - toddler meals, mine and dp meals, so mealtime is normally chucking something in the microwave and cooking something like rice or pasta to go with it.
as for my appearance? Well that will have to do for now

@Awobabobob it sounds like you are absolutely nailing it with the meal preps! I need to take a leaf out of your book- what type of things do you batch cook? How do you reheat?

Start planning for yourself as much as you do for everyone else. Don't let yourself get squeezed out the priority pile. If you can fit in a morning exercise class or nail appt on the weekend while DH handles the morning for example you'll feel so much better for it. I get the sense you are an incredible manager of other people's time and schedules so apply this skill to your own needs too.

Cleaner every week and look into a meal kit like Gousto for grown up meals, it really helps avoid the takeaway trap and because of that does save money I think vs the realistic alternatives (not the fantasy alternative of careful meal planning). You can pick meals that can be made in a short space of time.