Splitting from farmer partner…

[Ihavefaith]

Hello, I have had to split from my controlling and emotionally unstable farming partner. He is very narcissistic and is not nice to our dogs. He has never let me help on the farm but whines that he does everything. He’s passive aggressive and is the dictionary definition of gas lighting. He was a good Dad so I put up with it for the sake of my daughter but now it’s starting to affect her too so I have told him I we have to split.
AIBU to expect him to let me have our house split off from the farm along with the field that my horses are in? He has other options for housing and I thought if I offered to not ask for maintenance but I have this part of the farm which he hates anyway? I do have a small financial interest and my solicitor said I can force this. The alternative is that I force him to sell a bit of the farm so I can buy somewhere else as all my money is in his farm. It will all go to our daughter in the end but I just don’t know. My preference would be to live elsewhere but I don’t want to force him to sell a bit of the farm. I feel like I’m stealing it but for our daughter to live how she is now that’s what would have to happen. Any advice or putting me in my place is appreciated as I just don’t know what to do.
Thank you for reading.

Are you married? Who owns the farm and your current house?

Put the option that suits you best to him first (via solicitor). Then use the other option as a potential bargaining tool later of it is acceptable to you to get a deal done. No doubt he will argue you shouldn't have anything!!

We’re not married and he owns everything. The solicitor said I have two avenues I can pursue as we have a child and I have put a lot of money into his farm.

I think the idea of you both staying on the premises sounds unsustainable. What about when one or both of you meet someone new? It doesn’t sound like a particularly healthy environment for a child. I would be looking to make a clean break.

This is very much what I’d prefer…

That rather changes things. Whatever you may get will be whether you can prove the contributions gave you a beneficial interest in the farm.

Not being married is tricky , how much financial ties do you have in the farm? Is it correctly drawn up ect? Farms are complicated I should know! Family members ect ? Does he solely own the farm outright? How much land and houses ? You’d be best speaking to a solicitor.

I would get him to sell some land and get a house elsewhere with the money. Living still on the farm with him coming and going would be difficult in a normal divorce but having a friend who went through exactly this with a narcissist, he used 'working' on the farm to get access to the kids outside of custody agreement, monitor her and who was at her house and generally continue his pattern of abuse.
I'm sure you are attached to the house but it will never be a proper split if he is still able to have access to you.

Farming is a whole different ballgame when it comes to finances - even when married - due to the potential for splitting bits off to affect the viability of the farm. It’s a specialist area even within family lawyers, and really not the kind of thing that you will have much joy asking MN about. It’s great you have a solicitor and I hope you get the outcome you want

This. You would be better moving away if at all possible

Wow. Someone's in a bitter mood this evening.

So you are just posting to be nasty to someone in a difficult position. How lovely of you.

What do you mean he's not nice to the dogs. Is he abusing them?

Can I ask why? If you spent a day in my shoes you may feel different. He was happy to take my money without flinching. He treats my daughter and I like crap so I’d be interested how you quantify your response? That was to the rude person btw.

You're either in or out with farming. I'm not sure what you think you're entitled to/deserve; can you clarify that a bit please?

What experience does your solicitor have with farms?

how much have you put into the farm that has a clear audit trail?

How old is your daughter??

I want my money back so I can provide a home elsewhere for my daughter and I plus the dogs and horses. The only way to do this is section off a small part of the farm and our house plus one paddock. This would not affect the farm business at all. Alternatively, I can legally force him (according to my solicitor) to sell enough off which would affect the farm business to provide enough money to repay me and provide a home for her.

He owes you your money, presumably you gave evidence of investing it in the farm, but I don’t think he has to fund a house for you and her to live in though. He needs to house her when she’s with him. You need to do likewise.

He’s nasty. They’re working dogs. I want to take the ones he doesn’t like. Once out I will report him as it’s awful.

What are the legalities re house use? Normally houses have to stay with the farm, they can't be randomly sold off. Especially when you're not married.

Oh how awful. It sounds like you have a plan and are determined. Good luck x

I think you might need to check that with a different solicitor...

I doubt your solicitor really knows what they are talking about unless they specialise in agricultural estates, which is whole legal and accounting area of its own.

Your first port of call should be to a specialist, not a regular family law solicitor. You will also need proof of your contributions and to demonstrate how they gave you a beneficial interest in the property going forward (we would have to be talking about a sizeable investment, not just the equivalent of rent and bills)

It will all hinge on how much and how long - the next complexity is that a court will probably side with the farmer in any attempt to force a sale of land, as it will be argued that will impact the business.

You have no legal interest in the farm whatsoever - that is (from your information) fact, you are claiming beneficial interest, which will require proof, and in such a circumstance that bar will be set quite high.

Traditionally such matters might be resolved by granting you life tenancy on an estate property for a peppercorn rent - and that remains a likely resolution that a court would accept.

Bear in mind that getting this to court will be all at your expense, and that will be a LOT of money - far better to agree something that works rather than risking a massive legal bill and loosing the case.

OK, thank you for clarifying. Your solicitor might say this and that (whilst he takes your money) but, firstly, do you really want to live so close to your abusive ex-partner?

Maybe best you keep your equines where you kept them before you moved them to your ex-partners place. You are again a single, independent woman albeit now with a dependent to look after just like every other women with children that is no longer with a partner, farm or not.

Best you move on and claim as much CMS as poss and if you think you have good proof of your ex-partner's debt to you then pursue it in the Small Claims Court.

I only know one farmer with a child from an unwed relationship - he made sure his daughter was well provided for and made her part of his life - and she has turned out to be a very magnificent person indeed.