Splitting from farmer partner…

[Ihavefaith]

Hello, I have had to split from my controlling and emotionally unstable farming partner. He is very narcissistic and is not nice to our dogs. He has never let me help on the farm but whines that he does everything. He’s passive aggressive and is the dictionary definition of gas lighting. He was a good Dad so I put up with it for the sake of my daughter but now it’s starting to affect her too so I have told him I we have to split.
AIBU to expect him to let me have our house split off from the farm along with the field that my horses are in? He has other options for housing and I thought if I offered to not ask for maintenance but I have this part of the farm which he hates anyway? I do have a small financial interest and my solicitor said I can force this. The alternative is that I force him to sell a bit of the farm so I can buy somewhere else as all my money is in his farm. It will all go to our daughter in the end but I just don’t know. My preference would be to live elsewhere but I don’t want to force him to sell a bit of the farm. I feel like I’m stealing it but for our daughter to live how she is now that’s what would have to happen. Any advice or putting me in my place is appreciated as I just don’t know what to do.
Thank you for reading.

I think the OP's safety and the safety of her child might just come first...

Or would you risk your kids safety over the dogs? Sometimes, it isn't possible to keep both safe or do what you'd like to do immediately.

This absolutely need a specialist, it also sounds like you want the area sectioned off for you to be main house andland around it?
So forcing him out of the family home?
Do you work out of the farm? How old is your dd?

My dad was a farmer.
He verbally abused my mother - not in front of the older kids, but he didn’t hesitate in front of me. He thought I was too little to understand - and he was right. But I remembered those horrible words and I knew what they meant when I got older.
To Mum’s credit, she never said anything back to him in front of me.
He waa also immature - I’ll spare you from that.
My daddy drank - I’m guessing from the pressure of holding down a regular job plus running the ranch. He came home and drank in front of the tv every single night of my life.
I loved my dad like almost every daughter does, and I’m pretty sure not a single person ever asked him to run my mother’s family’s ranch - they just took it for granted that he’d be “the one” since he was the only one in farming.
i’m not sure anybody thanked him, either.
How I wish I could go back in time and say thank you myself. Oh, the guilt over things unsaid.
Ww still have the ranch and our 5th generation runs it now - but they volunteered.
The ranch is 144 years old, which is pretty old for California. Probably not for the UK lol.
Farming is extremely stressful. Maybe try and convince your husband to take on a helper before it kills him - that was an argument that worked for us.
If he won’t listen to anything, well, you’ve gotta make your mind up about your own health, don’t you, both physical and mental.
And you need to ask yourself how much you’re worth. I hope you decide you’re priceless.
Women get very ill over stress - please don’t let that be you, okay? ❤️

I’m sorry to tell you but unless you have kept invoices or receipts for all the time you have invested money in the farm you aren’t going to get anything. Your money ex won’t be forced in a court of law to sell anything. Honestly the best thing you can do is just get out of there and if possible move in with some family or stand on your own two feet. Farming is so difficult when it comes to legal matters and not being married makes you even less likely to get anything.

as you're not married, having a child will not make a difference to property ownership. Your ex will have to pay for child maintenance and that's all. He wouldn't be forced to sell part of his asset for that.

you need to have proof of any capital you've invested in his farm, and might be able to get that money back, but you are going down an expensive and futile path trying to get a portion of his farm.

100% this. I'm staggered that any solicitor worth their salt has given the OP false hope over this.

Or, alternatively, the solicitor has given her some advice which she has misunderstood/misinterpreted and she is now seeking more favourable advice from an internet forum.

You're in a very vulnerable position financially - are you sure you can force him to sell land to pay you? That doesn't sound very plausible. Do you have watertight evidence that you gave him money and it was not a gift?

How much have you invested in the farm? Was it a large amount all at once, or was it gradual?

Farms are a very difficult case because they are essentially a business, in which you also happen to live. You don't say where you are but worth contacting an organisation like RABI/RSABI, or Farming Community Network in the first instance. They can offer support with things like farm-specific mediation and financial planning, or could probably recommend a specialist solicitor.

My dad was a farmer, my mum always emphasised don't marry a farmer, none of us did. He hasn't married you for this reason so will fight to keep the farm together. Even when my dad died his will reflected that some kids who he thought would keep it together got, the others did not. Caused lots of falling out lasting years and gradually it has all been split up but not distributed.
There was a case on TV years ago similar to your situation and the woman stayed in part of the farm, when she met someone else her life became hell and if I remember correctly the farmer killed her partner. Get away would be my advice, the farming community will also close ranks and make things difficult. Good luck.

Unless you have proof of what you put in and a written promise that it is in exchange for ownership then you're unlikely to get anything other than child support.

Did your solicitor infer you are married? The advice you quote doesn't sound right for the situation you've described. Unfortunately.

How much money have you given him? And is there a legal paper trail? Was it a loan? Do you have all the right documentation?

I think the most you can hope for is to get your money back, possibly with some interest.

A house cannot be split off from the farm. It becomes a very different type of property then, most notably not mortgageable. That may not be an issue now if he owns it all outright. But it would be down the line and it hugely affects the value of the land and would make it difficult to do things like finance machinery or get a loan.

You need to be really practical about this. Unless the amount you gave him was like £600k, depending on where you live, you aren’t going to get a house with land. You may be able to get house and you would need to rent a sole use field or use a livery for the horses. It will be £££. Horses and dogs are lovely. I have both. But I think it’s going to be tricky enough to get yourself out of this situation and you are going to come away not better than when you went in (and probably with very little maintenance because he is self employed). Put yourself and your dd first.

I would also see another solicitor for an initial appointment. This one sounds like they are just telling you what you want to hear and they see long draw out battle and lots of things to bill you for. They aren’t all like that. I’d get a second opinion.

I agree with many of the posters. You need to get more advice.

Ok weirdo

They aren't married

Will just be a troll don't worry

Don't start negotiating child maintenance in to the mix. Don't mention it, keep it entirely separate. He will have to pay that going forward depending on how you split time with your DD.

farmer here. You need specialist advice from lawyers used to farms. Do you have any idea who actually owns the house you live in? Does he have parents/uncles/siblings involved? Does your loan to the company or partnership sit as a loan on the balance sheet? If not the latter you will be in a pickle.

How big is the farm?

How much have you invested in the farm? And what evidence do you have?

Come on, this is about money and how to safeguard it.

Also meant to add. Maybe you are the lucky one who has met a rare farmer who isn't £100,000s in debt. If not I wouldn't be so keen on fighting to say you have a 'share' in the business. Walking away with nothing could be a better option.

The OP doesn't like marriage either, she didn't want to marry him.

Oh, this is going to be a shit show.

You might well be considerably better off in the long term just walking away and starting again. Farms are a nightmare of complexity legally and your chances of splitting the property up are virtually nil.