Splitting from farmer partner…

[Ihavefaith]

Hello, I have had to split from my controlling and emotionally unstable farming partner. He is very narcissistic and is not nice to our dogs. He has never let me help on the farm but whines that he does everything. He’s passive aggressive and is the dictionary definition of gas lighting. He was a good Dad so I put up with it for the sake of my daughter but now it’s starting to affect her too so I have told him I we have to split.
AIBU to expect him to let me have our house split off from the farm along with the field that my horses are in? He has other options for housing and I thought if I offered to not ask for maintenance but I have this part of the farm which he hates anyway? I do have a small financial interest and my solicitor said I can force this. The alternative is that I force him to sell a bit of the farm so I can buy somewhere else as all my money is in his farm. It will all go to our daughter in the end but I just don’t know. My preference would be to live elsewhere but I don’t want to force him to sell a bit of the farm. I feel like I’m stealing it but for our daughter to live how she is now that’s what would have to happen. Any advice or putting me in my place is appreciated as I just don’t know what to do.
Thank you for reading.

Good job we're not interested in your opinion.

The dogs have no voice and you are not stepping in while you, more than anyone else, know what your husband is doing to them.

I never understand posters like you. A little research would have told you a lot about farmers and becoming their unmarried partners. Barring a few exceptions, we chose the life we build. You also chose to hand over money while not on the deeds or married. You were there and just let it all happen, same with the dogs now. Why even mention it here if you’re just going to watch it happen?

Hello OP

Firstly I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, it’s really tough for you and I respect that you’re trying to make the best exit you can

I dated a farmer for 3 years in my 20’s and can exactly imagine some of the things you might be going through. Their arrogance and prioritising of the farm can be appalling.

I just wanted to suggest; because the chances of you getting any meaningful kind of settlement are so low, you should strongly consider cutting your losses and leaving

Also, a horse owner myself of over thirty years, with two young children, I would seriously consider selling or rehoming the horses while you go through this process of seperation and finding a new life.

The last thing you need right now is unexpected vets bills and stress, which horses always have a habit of causing, just when you don’t need it! I say this as someone who has just sold my horse because I want to prioritise work and parenting for a few years.

Honestly it’s a HUGE weight off my shoulders, I’m so relieved, and I know I’ll go back to it at a later stage, and friends will let me ride their horses if I feel like it in the meantime!

If you can organise safe accommodation for you and your daughter, to give yourself time to think and plan away from his controlling ways, I think this is the safest route to your wellbeing right now. It seems very unlikely you’re going to get any significant money out of the farm as you aren’t married.

Keep your head up, you have lots of options and one day this will all be a distant dream. You deserve happiness. Sending hugs x

Why not?

The idea you and DD and horses could carry on living there in your own house and paddock seems like a fantasy, both legally/financially and in relationship terms. Realistically it would be hell. But like others I don’t believe you’ll get him to split or sell any of the farm anyway. Unless you have very clearly documented evidence of your loans/investments, he won’t have to pay you back, certainly not in a chunk equivalent to a divorce. He could string out paying you back or never do it. You’re best to plan for leaving with just what you have and get CMS for DD and rebuild from there. The horses and dogs will need more planning (though I agree it’s wrong to let the abuse continue until it’s convenient for your plan).

I would assume that this poster and the one/two who agreed, is referring to the fact that the op had a baby with this man without being married. She has essentially put herself in a very precarious financial position by not getting married. The whole (unromantic) point of marriage is to financially protect the lower earner/unpaid worker (via childcare/housework). The op has none of this protection.

I was MARRIED to a farmer (with his DD) and walked away with NOTHING after a divorce that took 4yrs to complete, my having sunk at least 150k cash into the farm, due to the extremely clever structure the family had. I would take the advice given above of cutting your losses, rehoming the horses and getting AWAY.

what on earth is this comment about?

God some of the ridiculous posts on this thread.

Hi OP, I’m a solicitor specialising in agricultural law and the advice you’ve had from your solicitor is incorrect. I doubt very much the ownership is straightforward either. You need to seek out some proper advice but on the face of it, he owes you cash, you cannot force any sale as simply as your OP suggests.

I’m very happily married to a farmer, just to balance out some of the poisonous posts on here. It’s a rough old gig at the moment but my husband is a kind man who loves his family and his animals.

Why can’t you report the animal abuse? It could be anonymous. It needn’t get back to you…

Ah well, stuff the child in the middle, eh?

Don't you think it would be quite easy for him to guess who did it?

Do you have a job? Even if he did let you stay on the farm, I'm wondering how you will have enough money to pay for several horses and dogs as well as yourself and your daughter.

How exactly does this help?

What money have you put in and how was it put in?

Ask for your money back and ask to live rent free in the house till he can afford it

It’s as though you have no empathy. Oh wait………………

A real solicitor told you this? Or a friend with a google?

Did you actually invest, and you’re a shareholder? Or did you just give him money towards house repairs or similar, despite not being married and having no legal protection, and now you want that back?

Then you have your solutions. Tell him you want your money back and If he won’t accept sectioning part off then you will force the sale. If that’s what a solicitor who knows what they are doing is telling you then I’m not sure what better advice you’re looking for.

Excellent posts @HonestOpalHelper - @Ihavefaith get specialist legal advice from a solicitor with expertise in agricultural law. And come to terms your ex does not have a duty to house your horses, unfortunately.

There are a lot of so called legal experts on here. OP just listen to your solicitor rather than the armchair lawyers.

FYI if you financially contribute to a property (ie mortgage or deposit) then it’s incorrect that you are entitled to nothing legally. You are usually able to argue that the property is held on a constructive trust, meaning that you can force sale if necessary. There is also a route for claiming money or property for the benefit of a child under schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989. It’s a complex area and you need specialist advice but the claim that you will always be entitled to nothing is not correct.

Probably because the OP didn't marry before having her child, or draw up legal agreements in the case of a split.
@Ihavefaith the best you could hope for is an agreement to stay in the house and use of the paddock. If he does have the option for accommodation on the farm, that might be best. Unless you can cut your losses and have your DD be given legal protection re the money you've put in. That is if he doesn't have cashflow to make any form of settlement. Don't assume that he won't have more children.

Go the legal route to reclaim your money.
Absolutely report his abuse of his animals.
Speak to Women's aid too.

You're right!

There are farmers who are good people out there. It's so unfair and to see too many people letting their biased and personal hate cloud their judgements on an entire prefession that is so necessary to the nation and to the world as well.

OP, find a solicitor who is a specialist!

OP, don't take advice from solicitors who are not specialists and neither do take advice from Mumsnet posters, they don't know anything useful for your reality!

Did you pay towards rent/mortgage when you lived there, on top of the monies you mentioned? Could he not argue that's what this money was for?