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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed dh won’t accept gift of house deposit?

85 replies

tarplarp · 08/06/2025 10:54

My in laws have kindly offered to gift us a house deposit/part of one. We currently rent and are looking for a more permanent home.

My in laws are lovely people, comfortably off but not rich. Them gifting us £50k would probably mean they have less of a financial buffer, but they wouldn’t need to sell up etc.

DH is flat out refusing and saying we can earn the deposit ourselves and he wants to be independent. Which I understand for sure - so I said why don’t we accept but pay your parents back in 2-3 years, which is how long it would probably take to get £50k.

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 08/06/2025 10:55

Are they lovely but the gift would come with strings attached? Why is your DH so set against it?

Rizraz · 08/06/2025 10:57

It depends Op. Is there a backstory to this? Does he have a difficult relationship with his parents?

tinyspiny · 08/06/2025 10:58

They are his parents so it’s his decision and frankly if you can save 50k in 2-3 yrs then just do that to save your deposit

Takeoutyourhen · 08/06/2025 11:02

He might be aware of potential strings - or having it thrown back at you if there was a disagreement. If you are aware of this potentially happening you’d be right to be wary about accepting it. What has he said?

DeftLemonTraybake · 08/06/2025 11:06

I think it's great DP wants to be independent.

Everyone has had a shock in the last few years in terms of cost of living, what might seem comfortably off now could very much not be in a year or two.

It's sensible for DP to not want his parents to possibly be in a less than comfortable situation due to giving away money.

Notsuchafattynow · 08/06/2025 11:07

I would be annoyed too. As long as it came with no strings, and it was 100% a gift. Why not.

I did!

CopperWhite · 08/06/2025 11:09

His parents, his choice. He knows them better than you do.

DonnaBanana · 08/06/2025 11:19

He probably has a sense they’re going to ask for it back in some way and he doesn’t want to be under their thumb

loopylalalu · 08/06/2025 11:28

I dont blame him op.
Do it yourself and owe no one nothing.
Or you just might get it thrown in your face every now and then.
He knows them better than you.
He wants to do it himself and thats not a bad thing.

MoominMai · 08/06/2025 11:30

YANBU to want DH to accept it of course not given the cost of property these days. However I wouldn’t push DH to change his view either. It’s not a bad trait particularly that’s he’s exhibiting wanting to be independent and as they’re his parents the veto is more his I guess.

PurpleThistle7 · 08/06/2025 11:30

His parents, his choice. Am sure he has his reasons. If you’re in a position to save that much in a few years just do that and keep your finances separate.

ilovesooty · 08/06/2025 11:36

It's his choice. They're his parents and you should respect that.

CoastalCalm · 08/06/2025 11:37

Maybe he doesn’t want to take £50k from his parents while yours contribute nothing ? He may feel he would prefer his parents to spend that money on retirement since they earned it ? He may worry it will cause an inequality between the two of you ? He may just want to do things independently of his parents.

Ultimately he has said no so respect that and save it yourself

UAlsZ · 08/06/2025 11:38

If you can save up in 2-3 years just do that, the gift really isn’t needed then. It might come with strings attached, he may not want to put his parents under financial stress of having less of a buffer.

SingWithMeJustForToday · 08/06/2025 11:39

I'd refuse, too.

They are his parents and it's his call.

Could your parents contribute £25k? If so, you could suggest to him that you accept £25k from his - but to be honest, I'd let it go.

Lolapusht · 08/06/2025 11:43

It’s not a gift if you’re paying it back so it won’t qualify as a gift for your mortgage. Your mortgage company will want to know if anyone else has a claim on their asset ie your house so you will have to sign a declaration saying the money is a gift.

Up to you if you want to tell the truth.

WonderfulUsername · 08/06/2025 11:47

Oh no, no way could I do that to my parents if I could afford to save up longer and do it independently, even though it's lovely of them to offer OP.

If they're not rich, that 50k will be very much needed at some point in their later lives I'm sure.

And borrowing huge sums of money from family can cause a lot of problems later down the line.

I think your DH is right here.

MargotTenenbaumscoat · 08/06/2025 11:51

I can see all sides (you wanting it, him saying no and his parents offering) but I really admire him preferring not to take the money.

You can save it in a short amount of time and his parents can keep their buffer for a rainy day. You will be proud of yourselves for saving with no help and being independent. You aren’t indebted to the in laws.

CantStopMoving · 08/06/2025 11:55

it is very common now with house prices what they are for money to be passed inter generationally so this not a strange scenario

my view is if they have the money to pass now then fabulous - it helps you and it also reduced inheritance tax liability. Pretty much everyone I know has had varying degrees of help from parents either by gifts or by loans or by guarantor to buy their first property.

if he’s worried about his parents financially then I would put the money you would have saved for the deposit into an ISA/premium bonds and don’t touch it. Keep it as a rainy day fund if you ever need to help his parents out financially in the future years. Everybody wins in this scenario.

SalfordQuays · 08/06/2025 11:56

I think it’s mean people saying he’s refusing because he knows there’ll be strings attached. It’s that MN assumption that all in-laws are evil, even when OP has said they’re lovely.

I agree with your DH. I wouldn’t take that kind of money off my Mum unless she was minted. Taking someone’s financial buffer is not a good idea.

bluesinthenight · 08/06/2025 11:57

I always admire people who have a desire for independence. He sounds like a good man, concerned for his parents. And he's right: You can save that money yourselves.

Gowlett · 08/06/2025 11:58

I can see why you’re annoyed.

All of my friends & my sister were gifted deposits.

I wasn’t & I don’t own a house.

Zezet · 08/06/2025 12:01

You're unreasonable to be annoyed, this is strictly between him and his parents. And frankly, he seems to be thoughtful and self-sufficient, both of which are attractive qualities.

CuarloDeFonza · 08/06/2025 12:02

tarplarp · 08/06/2025 10:54

My in laws have kindly offered to gift us a house deposit/part of one. We currently rent and are looking for a more permanent home.

My in laws are lovely people, comfortably off but not rich. Them gifting us £50k would probably mean they have less of a financial buffer, but they wouldn’t need to sell up etc.

From a completely different angle, I'm interested in hearing how this very generous £50k gift from your laws protects them if you both decide to split up after you buy a property together.
You get all the advantage of 50% of the property ownership and equity with none of the investment, also if you pay back the £50k you should really provide some "gesture of interest.

Tourmalines · 08/06/2025 12:06

His parents are not rich . It will eat into their retirement buffer . He is thinking of their future and good on him for that . He realises they are being too generous. Anyway, it’s his decision. You are being unreasonable.

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