To be annoyed dh won’t accept gift of house deposit?

[tarplarp]

My in laws have kindly offered to gift us a house deposit/part of one. We currently rent and are looking for a more permanent home.

My in laws are lovely people, comfortably off but not rich. Them gifting us £50k would probably mean they have less of a financial buffer, but they wouldn’t need to sell up etc.

DH is flat out refusing and saying we can earn the deposit ourselves and he wants to be independent. Which I understand for sure - so I said why don’t we accept but pay your parents back in 2-3 years, which is how long it would probably take to get £50k.

It’s his choice and he has his reasons not to accept though it would be frustrating for you.

My Dad and step-Mum were comfortable financially post-retirement.

Till the cost of living and then my Step-Mum died a few months ago and the household income dropped by more than half.

My Dad spends hundreds more than is coming in every month. He's currently got a decent amount of savings but that won't last forever.

Wars happen that effect everyone, pandemics, benefits get slashed, illnesses happen, prices go up.

No-one knows what the future holds. It makes sense for the ILs to keep their money and it's admirable your DP sees that.

I am currently buying a house with a deposit "gifted" by my grandmother - nowhere near £50,000 but still, the entirety of our starting equity. You can hold a property in unequal shares to protect the initial investment, or have a "deed of trust" as I believe it's called drawn up to clarify who owns what shares and who will get what in the event of the house being sold. We didn't go for that as although my grandmother is providing the deposit, I will be paying her back, and my husband will be paying 100% of the mortgage.

I agree with you OP. Assuming no backstory, it makes no sense not to accept the gift and get on the housing ladder. If there was a backstory, my answer would of course be different.

For me this would depend on the rest of your circumstances. If you’re well into your careers, renting, with children already and this would improve quality of life then I would think my H was putting pride before our family. However if you’re young and no kids then I can understand he’d want to not take money off his parents.

my H would never have accepted any kind of financial help from parents

I wouldn’t accept if there was any chance of making life less comfortable for them.

Decline it. Then you’re not beholden in any way. PIL died with £1m assets yet we got offered nothing towards a house or a wedding.

Could you both meet halfway and accept the money, but with an agreement to pay it back monthly over a set amount of years?

As well as wanting independence, he probably wants to ensure he's not jeopardising his aging parents financial security. As you say, you can save it yourselves in a relatively short time, so do that.

He's crazy but you are going to need to agree with him so he feels in control of making that choice. You could probably act like you think it's the best thing but have a change of heart a few months down the line and he might follow suit!

Does he have siblings that would also receive the same amount? Is he wanting to keep a good relationship with them, as they may feel its unfair. If you can save the money in 2 years then do that. Will he feel beholden to provide care for them as they age if he accepts such a generous offer? Nobody knows what the future holds. A buffer for them is sensible

This is exactly it I think.

I've just been to visit my 93 year old dad. None of us could've guessed he'd have lived this long but thank goodness he's in his own home with carers who come to visit, and help with his independence.

They don't come cheap but they're very much needed to get him in and out of bed safely and to do his personal care.

Alternatively , he doesn’t want to leave his parents exposed if their circumstances change?

Yup.

My 92 Grandma just died after a few months in a care home.

Nobody including her, thought she'd live this long and really, she should have been there for a lot longer than she was.

Savings don't last long when paying over 900 quid a week for care. She died less than 3 months into it but there are people in her care home that have been there for years.

It was still massively and rapidly depleting her savings.

Financially, it makes far more sense to take the money now and pay it back to them, than spend 2-3 saving it yourselves and find it has less purchasing power if house prices stay increasing as they are.

Are there strings attached to the offer, or are your in laws likely to difficult about this in some way? If not, your husband’s pride will negatively affect your house buying.

His parents, his choice.
Only he truly knows the feelings and strings that may come with it. Also if he just isn't comfortable borrowing money from family then you should respect that. It is something a lot of people avoid like the plague.

I would be pretty turned off my DH if he got upset that I wouldn't take money from my mum. I would feel a bit disgusted in him really.

Why would wanting to be financially independent when they can, be prideful in a negative way as you're thinking it is?

I'd be far more proud of my DP and me for being independent instead of taking money from elderly relatives.

If it’s given with no strings attached, I really don’t see his problem.
I plan to do the same with my children, but it will be ring fenced for them. If anything goes wrong, I will be getting it back

The BTL I bought was as tenants in common, a 50/50 split with my wife, so If I passed away, my remaining equity would go to my kids, just in case she married again, it stopped any potential new fella stealing my kids assets after a divorce. You have to protect your assets for the kids. I think the OP should go 25/75 tenants in common split, in her husband's favour to incorporate his parents gift (if accepted)

Not your parents so keep your nose out. He knows the best. Also he might feel wrong to take from his parents, when you should be able to work and do it yourself?

I wouldn’t take £50k off anyone either.

I accepted 10k off my parents when we were buying our home.

My parents took this as they owned the home and my baby. They even atarted inviting people we dont know to come look at our house. Worst thing I ever did at the time!

You can't take it and then pay it back. Any gift towards a house purchase with a mortgage has to be just that - a gift, not a loan. His parents will have to sign a document to say its a gift, not expected to be paid back. If they sign it falsely it's perjury, and I wouldn't be asking anyone to break the law for me.
Well done to your DH!

Just be patient and wait 2 or 3 years

(He probably wants you to stump up equally in case you divorce and walk away with 25 grand of his parents money)

I used to think the same way as your DH, but now that I’m older and a parent myself, I’d gratefully accept. Life isn’t easy and if I could help one of my children to buy a house more easily, I’d do it.

It’s your DH’s decision and obviously if your PIL can’t really afford it, he shouldn’t accept. But it might be worth mentioning the parental point of view to him- that unless his parents are controlling, they just want to make life easier for him. If you have/intend to have children yourselves, you’ll want to do the same.