To be annoyed dh won’t accept gift of house deposit?

[tarplarp]

My in laws have kindly offered to gift us a house deposit/part of one. We currently rent and are looking for a more permanent home.

My in laws are lovely people, comfortably off but not rich. Them gifting us £50k would probably mean they have less of a financial buffer, but they wouldn’t need to sell up etc.

DH is flat out refusing and saying we can earn the deposit ourselves and he wants to be independent. Which I understand for sure - so I said why don’t we accept but pay your parents back in 2-3 years, which is how long it would probably take to get £50k.

This. He probably thinks you should contribute, and not just have the easy way out from his parents hard earned money. Which is fair.

Plus maybe he wants to keep it for himself if there is a future inheritence, who knows.

My in-laws offered the deposit if 40k to my nephew, luckily his wife wasn’t keen as within months of them viewing houses they decided to withdraw the offer over some slight. Very rarely do these offers come with no strings attached.

@onlymethen How ridiculous. In that case, it’s good that they didn’t accept.

If you could save it in 2 years then why haven’t you already?

If you can save 50k in two years you sound incredibly grabby wanting to take his parents money OP. Especially since they don’t seem to be very rich. Just save your own money.

I understand where he is coming from. If they gift the money, as we did, you have to complete a form to say it is a gift without reservation, which we were totally happy with. But, it is easier with a 4 way split, you, your DH, your parents and his parents. To go into the purchase so unequally would either risk you losing your home or them losing their money if you split up.

No such thing as free money it’ll come with expectations (said &unsaid). Subtly you/he will be beholden to them. Clearly he has misgivings

I wouldn’t accept it, with no back story - I just quite strongly feel the need to build my own life.

I would borrow it though with commercial interest terms (accepting that my parents would have to say it was a gift for the purpose of the mortgage), but I’d be clear that I’d be repaying them as soon as possible

I would trust his parents are making the right decision. In addition, I wouldn't feel comfortable with accepting a gift from the parents unless they were comfortably well off and my partners parents offering the same amount. Is your parenting contributing?

If my mother offered me this, it would come with very very long nylon strings attached. I’d rather live in a tent.

That is a somewhat sweeping generalisation! Not every parent offers money with expectations. We have helped adult children as we would rather they got the benefit now rather than at some point in the future, we then get to see them enjoy it, and that need not come with strings attached. Their houses, their choices, a gift is something you give and have no further call on, say in etc.

You DH is, financially speaking, an idiot.
Take the money.

If it is unconditional, I think the offer should be accepted. Only you and husband know if it is.

Not OP’s parents, not her call.

Maybe an idiot or maybe doesn’t want to leave his parents in difficulty should circumstances suddenly change.

I think you've certainly made the correct decision in your case, I've heard far too many stories where a parent has died, left everything to their spouse thinking the money and property will eventually go to their joint children, only for the widow/er to get remarried and do nothing to protect their assets or estate plan, and everything ending up in the hands of their new spouse and their children.

For the OP, I think when drawing up a deed of trust to hold a property as tenants in common, you can specify that you both get 50% of the equity less an amount. So their deed can require the parent's investment is repaid out of the sale of the property, and then they would get half each of the remaining equity.

His parents, his decision. Accepting and paying back in 2/3 years is a bit disingenuous and very unlikely. He doesn't want to take money from them. Could be any number of reasons; hidden strings, wanting to be independent, concern about their finances or not actually want to buy now.

It's not "perjury" due to not having anything to do with a trial. It would be technically mortgage fraud, but, as with many things, it will never be an issue for anyone and the bank will never know/care as long as they keep recieving their payments on time and without fuss. As far as I can tell, it's extremely common for informal loans to be made between family members for deposits, and the reason it can't be disclosed as a loan is because the bank sees it the same as if you have a bank loan for that same amount, that has to be paid back monthly on pain of proceedings no matter what. Whereas informal family loans would obviously be paused or written off if something like a serious illness or job loss were to happen, and are almost always interest free.

Perhaps point out that if his parents are keen to pass their savings onto him, they will do it anyway later on at some point, when they are older or via inheritance - it's much more useful and impactful having it when younger for buying a home, than it is to receive it when you're old?

His family, his choice.

You don't know them as well as he does. My mum was a lovely woman in most ways, but there's no way I'd have ever accepted a house deposit off her, because I knew how weird she could be about money. As long as it was my money I was spending , I could fend off her little comments any time I bought something she didn't think I needed, but if I'd let her actually have a financial interest in my life, it would have become utterly unbearable. And DP would have been none the wiser, because she never made the comments in front of others.

Your partner grew up with those people @tarplarp , you didn't. Why wouldn't you trust his judgement on them?

This.

@eatreadsleeprepeat I feel the same way about my children and if we can help them, we will. But obviously it’s their choice whether they accept or not. I’m pretty sure that mine will. 😂

You do realise there are other ways they could help out? Look at e.g.
https://www.halifax.co.uk/mortgages/family-boost.html
https://www.lloydsbank.com/mortgages/first-time-buyers/lend-a-hand.html

If he refuses to consider that sort of help he's a fool.

OP, you should be really proud that he wants to be independent.
And he is probably saving both of you a hell of a lot of stress and parental expectations in years to come.

Agree with this.

But I can also see the issue that you don't want your spouse to walk away with half your parents' money if you split.

I would worry that the houses you could afford now with that £50k gift from his parents would be out of reach by the time you have saved up in 3 years time. Worth thinking about. Maybe have a look back at property prices from 3 years ago to see how much they have gone up. Our eldest is at home and saving up for a house deposit.

The mortgage is dependent on your income and outgoings, the deposit is the only thing that potentially lifts you into being able to buy a more expensive property and one which might be able to grow with you than out of.