To ask, honestly now, do some people see and treat 50 year old women differently according to whether or not they’ve had children?

[HolisticApp]

By ‘children’ I mean this includes kids over 18 - so not necessarily women in the throes of ‘family life’ as it were.

My instant reaction was ‘no of course not’. But… if I’m truly honest, I probably do see mums as ‘softer’, for no reason whatsoever. Social conditioning I expect.

So child free women can't be empathetic. You're the second poster to have implied that. Have a think about how nonsensical that is.

I'm in my mid sixties and can't recall any occasion when I've been treated differently because I don't have children.

Sometimes I'm asked if I have children and when I say no that's the end of the conversation.

I think there are potential pros and cons for any situation - I'm happy that many of us do get choices in life, but also sad don't. For example the person who would have loved a child, but couldn't have one due to infertility or circumstances, or the person who lost a child, or the person who secretly regrets thinking she had to choose motherhood. Surely we're all also more than parents, even if we do have children?

I suffered from infertility for a decade, I felt "less" than women with children. I think I had internalised this view and that it is probably widely held without people really being aware of it.

I'm 69 and child free by choice. I sometimes find that, on finding out that I don't have children, some people assume that it's not by choice and do a sadface, and a couple of times people have actually said "Oh, that's sad" or similar.

I'm lucky enough to have worked for decades for organisations that have excellent equalities policies, so I've never had any of that thing where the childfree are last in line for leave over Christmas or during school holidays, or never expected to attend late meetings or any of that nonsense.

We equally, those without kids cannot say how those with kids are treated - surely?

My sister is in her fifties and has no children or partner. I’ve always found it odd but that’s because we have grown up with a societal expectation that you leave school, get a job, get married and have kids. I’ve had to challenge my thoughts to try not to judge it negatively.

Do you assume she would have liked children and a partner? Perhaps she is quite happy without them.

It’s ironic actually as some mothers can be really lacking in empathy towards women childless by choice or infertile. The thread about the poster’s infertile friend not wanting to attend baby showers was a prime example, some truly cultish rep,ies on there although the majority were supportive.

She had partners in her twenties. She changed her mind about not wanting children in her late thirties but never met anyone to have them with. I find her life strange but try not to judge or compare. She can be quite spiky we are not close.

But there are plenty of contexts (business for one) where 'softer' would be seen as worse! Someone could equally reply saying "So women who are mothers are incapable of objective rational thought. Have a think about how nonsensical that is."

I agree, both examples are nonsensical.

Re the conversation one - you can go on interpreting that as you being judged as fundamentally a lesser person but you'll just end up unnecessarily pissed off with everyone around you, just because they were not interested on that occasion in not talking about kids.

Having kids is an intense and time-consuming experience and it can definitely make people (esp new parents) quite boring (even to other parents) when that's the main thing they want to talk about. It's not a sign of how they fundamentally view non-parents outside of that conversational context though.

It's like a football fan who has a lot they want to say about that turning away from someone who's just said they don't like football, they prefer something else. Yes it's boring for them to only want to talk about one thing, and it can be rude if done obviously, but it's not a sign they are particularly prejudiced against wild swimmers or runners or badminton players or whatever. It's just a sign that they're hoping that at some point the conversation might turn to football and they can see that's not going to happen here.

I’m 55, single and childless. Yes I’m treated differently but not in ways that impact my life. There are awkward pauses when people ask about children or partner. There is some amount of morbid curiosity from people who see my life as ‘odd’ and really, really want to know about my personal life. I understand it and just deflect it. It’s hard work though for me sometimes and I don’t blame anyone for being spiky about it, god knows I have been at times.

Some of the comments here are a bit daft, like ‘such women’ as me being ‘naive’. Doesn’t reflect positively on the life experience and self awareness of the PP that said it. And then doubling down that ‘such women’ have a victim mentality, when the PP has just admitted they have negative feelings that they have to keep in check.

Absolutely not! I have two aunts who don't have children,b one through choice and one through circumstance. They are both wonderful women and have been fantastic aunties to me and my brothers and sisters, both in their unique ways.

I would never make assumptions about anyone based on whether they have kids or not.

I'm 46 and childless. I think the attitude towards childless women starts WAY before 50.

But is it a matter of perception? Surely you need to consider all opinions to get a rounded view.

I’m not over 50 but I’m 43. DH is 49. We’re married a long time and don’t have children, entirely by choice.

I think a more interesting assessment here is the different experiences that childfree women have versus childfree men.

I’m regularly asked how many children I have.
DH is never, ever asked.

On Mother’s Day, well-meaning friends tag me in those stupid “happy Mother’s Day to those who would have made great mums… longed to be a mum… are fabulous fur-mums…” etc. 🤮
This had never happened to DH on Father’s Day.

I’ve been asked in interviews if working hours would interfere with childcare.
DH has not.

The list goes on…

I think sometimes at work there’s an expectation of but they have no children and are expected not to book all the school holidays off. In fairness no one is allowed more than two weeks off in school summer holidays rather than first comer books off the entire thing.

No - people always seem to just assume that as an older lady I would have had children

I don't know really. I don't have kids and neither do lots of my friends. But the only difference with ones that do would be they come up in conversation and you ask about how they're getting on etc. whereas with child free people you might just ask about their own life or other family.
Maybe people with kids look down on me? Maybe they're jealous? I've never noticed that or felt that way.

Being treated differently- I have been asked - infrequently - why I don’t have children, but I have never asked a woman why she has children.

I feel some judgment that I must be selfish not to have children, and loaded, and with a career. None are true for me.

As for meaning of life and all that, each to their own. I chose not to have kids because I didn’t want them enough, and I would have been a very crap mother. I don’t regret this decision. I couldn’t do what all you lovely mums do! So I guess that is not selfish. But you wouldn’t find me without a dog. Not comparing kids and dogs before anyone jumps on me mind!!!

As nearly 50 with no kids I have received some negativity. Not from everybody but by some. I am treated as though I have failed at my life’s purpose or somehow failed to enter adulthood / my opinions have less value because I do not have children.

Also I hate the assumption that not having children means I must be “childfree” and /
or dislike children.

Nope. I just don’t have children.