I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

I don’t think you did anything wrong? It’s ok to want to see your own son and treat him independently of the family unit. However her reaction would say there’s frustration bubbling already, do you think he’s possibly not the most amazing dad/husband you think he is? She probably would kill for a break, it’s a hard slog being with small humans all day and she probably resents how he could just ‘go’ and I don’t she doesn’t get that opportunity.

It’s her DIL her family shouldn’t she care about her feelings and well being

Yes. Thread title implies daughter-in-law at fault and then OP spends the thread castigating herself and batting off anyone who says they don't think she did anything particularly wrong.

One of the reasons I thought it might be a reverse written by DiL. Draw 'em in with the provocative thread title, then post all about how you've wronged poor, put-upon DiL.

I think MIL should level the playing field a bit and bond with her DIL giving her a reprieve and treating her to lunch

DIL probably looks forward to Saturday as it gives her a break.
i don’t know what son’s job is but i found being at work easier than home all day with a baby. …fun with colleagues, peace to eat lunch, you finish work and go home etc

DS babysit? You mean parents? Or is it only a mother who is expected to parent?

Bc it takes two to run a household and she only cares about her son being recognized for it that’s the problem. Why not take her DIL to lunch and treat her as well. Level the playing field. You are talking about DIL like her MIL has no loyalty or care for her as family like she is a distant family member like a cousin. She is close family she isn’t a cousin, niece, acquaintance.

Same, same.

Not according to the OP. Her poor poor baby boy son is so put upon and needs a break from parenting but her DIL doing the majority of parenting 5 days a week isn’t the one who needs a break but sure out of the 2 days a week the DIL actually gets to see her husband and have support at home he is the one taken away for a break. Give me a break (pun intended haha!)

how often do you see a mother taken out and treated for being a good mother or a SAH?! Hardly ever bc it’s just assumed even in 2025 that the mother is the default parent and the father should be recognized and elevated for so much as earning a living or breathing in the same direction as his child. The double standards on mumsnet are alive and well!

I absolutely agree with this- seems as if she feels able to tell you how she feels but isn’t able to be as clear with your son. I think he is at fault here and isn’t thinking things through properly.

I think the issue is that your treat to him directly made her life more difficult. But as it was a fait accomplis she couldn’t suggest an alternative.

I can see her point- if he’s been stressed at work I assume she’s been bearing the brunt of childcare as well, which as she says just hasn’t been recognised at all. But you’ve recognised where you went wrong- next time just make sure that a treat to him doesn’t make everyone else’s life more difficult.

I agree with your DIL.

Yes but I think this would be a very different situation, because it's normally the mother doing the lion's share of the childcare and housework, which is more or less 24/7, so it makes more sense to take her out of the house for a spa day.

Being a SAHM is often described as "not working" but it is actually the hardest work one can do, particularly because there are no breaks, you're always on duty, even overnight night. I understand why your DIL felt overlooked and taken for granted, and how unfair it seems to her that her DH still has a life outside of the home and a job where he can take a break or chat to other adults or go grab a coffee, whereas she is confined to the house with a very demanding small person who doesn't understand the concept of her having a break, or even taking a shower, without them - and then he gets treated alone, to a nice trip out, with her simply being expected to pick up the slack at home at one of the few times she's normally got some help from him. There is no line between work and rest for a SAHP which is why getting outdoors and being treated to some time off is so important for them.

I understand that you feel upset that your kind gesture was taken badly by your DIL, but if you look at it through the lens of how we as a society treat women, and particularly SAHMs, it's not at all surprising or unreasonable that she felt unseen and put out by this. Childcare/housework is unwaged labour but as a society we pretend it is just love and duty and refuse to acknowledge it as the hard work it is.

I see two women agonising, while a man stands idly by. What is HE doing to improve?

Your DIL has a DH problem, not a MIL problem. He said it was fine. You shouldn't have to double check that with her - surely that would be far more infantilising than taking him to a game as a reward.

This is the most relevant bit:
"My son did reiterate to my his wife was upset with him about this as well and said she felt he should have stuck up for her and not left her alone with the baby. He should have told me mom we don’t get much time together as husband wife and baby this cuts into our already limited time together can you babysit so we can go out or we can all go to the game together"

So where I absolutely get where she's coming from, just because she works hard it doesn't mean you can't do things with your son.

When my DS grows up I hope I get to spend time treating him now and again rather than only having the option if babysitting. And I say this as a SAHM who gets basically no time off myself.

A mix of babysitting and time with your son sounds very fair to me. They are lucky to have 1 date a month it's a lot more than a lot of parents, personally I get 1-2 chances a year

What about time with her DIL as well recognizing and treating her hard work? Or does only her son’s matter. She takes out her son surely she can take her DIL out as well

Im on this thinking! As long as my husband wasn’t avoiding all weekends to go have me time while we don’t have any then id think it was sweet if my mother in law spent some time with my husband as long as i was getting some time to myself at some other points (which my husband could also cover).

But im I’m looking at it from someone who struggles to get babysitters and the fact son and daughter in law get two nights out a month already just blows my minds 😂

it’s also not actually anyone’s responsibility to babysit, just a kind gesture if someone chooses too.

Well, how often is it that daddy is left holding the baby so mummy gets to go out? 🧐

It's clear the mum is the default parent here and her husband treats her as such, and probably comes and goes as he pleases!

Agree 100%

So the issue was in the wording?

If you'd just said to your son "should we see a game in a couple of weeks?" that would have been ok?

I wouldn't be watching baby so she can have me time-your son can do that.

Whilst I get why she was pissed off, you have apologised I don't think you need to do more.

You do a lot as it is & I'd be wondering if it's appreciated.

I think I can see it both ways. You and your son are entitled to spend time together which doesn’t really happen once children grow up. But dil is tired and wanted time with him to. The bigger question is probably aimed at your son and did he realise how she would feel as he could have arranged it fairly.

I imagine she wouldn't ask MIL if her husband would stay home so she can go out.

You sound like a wonderful MIL, so don't feel bad. The fact that you have taken the time and effort to consider how your DIL feels shows how much you care. The early years of being a mother can be so emotionally and physically draining. It can also be socially isolating. Maybe your DIL is just reaching out to be heard/recognised for what she does, and to feel as though she's valued as a member of the family. She might also be craving a closer connection with you. I say this as a DIL who has felt completely ignored by DH's family since the birth of my DC. Good luck to you all going forward

You don’t have to explain to every individual poster, we can see your earlier responses. Just to save you typing

Clearly it is reasonable to take your son out and treat him or just spend time with him. However you made the treat about his role as a father and his contributions. That’s where you went wrong.

its good your DiL spoke up and I think k it does say lots about her feeling overlooked for her contributions either by his lack of support at home or you bigging him up.

but it’s done, she has spoken up and you can reflect on it. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t spend time with your son one on one but you should consider how you announce/invite him