I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

Of course they would.

But people are funny about mothers & sons. If FIL had taken son out to a match I doubt anything would have been said. Because people see that as “normal”. But his mother does it and she’s accused of not recognising the efforts of SAHMs, taking his time away from his real family, and on this thread usurping the role of his wife.

She could offer them a date night too - which I think she has said on reflection, she intends to do. But I don't see anything inherently unreasonable in a parent wanting to spend some one-on-one time with their own child (for whatever reason) without the spouse being present.

I imagine she usually sees both of them together the majority of the time. If DiL's mother wants to take her out (on her own) to celebrate her hard work, that would be cool too. They're not hermetically attached.

It’s her DIL why shouldn’t she be recognized if her son is? So her son’s contributions are more valuable. And you are really putting a FRIEND in higher importance than your own DIL. A DIL is family a FRIEND is not. I would definitely be asking my MIL who is family MOTHER in law before a friend

everyone has diff ways. It’s good she was honest about her feelings. It hurts, but in the long run it’s so so much easier!!!

You did something that you thought was a nice thing and whilst I do agree with your DIL it isn't something you need to beat yourself up over. Sounds like you've handled it admirably so I would now put it to one side.

It's great you have a relationship with your DIL where she feels able to tell you this and massive respect to you for doing so much self-reflection. Many, many MILs on Mumsnet would not have handled this so well. She is also fortunate to have a MIL like you.

I wonder if this could all be a good thing...if its brought to a head how she feels about the set up with her DH. If this somehow improves things for their relationship then thats great...it sounds like he has reflected too. After all, ultimately it's his responsibility to be doing his fair share and not yours. I hope he is.

She does now need to move on though. If she doesn't let it go then she will be unreasonable.

Abusive?? Bc she doesn’t like only her husband’s contributions being recognized. This isn’t about her seeing her son alone read the OP again. It’s the reasoning behind seeing her son alone bc he is stressed and needs a treat when her DIL is the one who is a SAHM doing all the household duties and being alone with a young baby with no adult interaction all day. That’s hard work too and it’s a bit tone deaf to only elevate your son and completely ignore your DIL. You are being obtuse in your response. And again you are also missing the point that 5 days of the week she is with the baby alone for the majority of the day and the very little time she gets alone with her little immediate family unit her husband and child and she gets some reprieve and help with childcare duties her husband’s mother says oh wait even though this is the one day you get alone with your family I’m going to only invite you out bc you need a break even though DIL was the one mothering all week actively that’s yet another few hours she doesn’t have help. And you have the nerve to say she is abusive!! How dare you!

isnt it a sign of a good MIL DIL relationship that instead of harboring deep seeded resentment towards her MIL she spoke openly about her feelings? Hey this action you did hurt my feelings? That’s what family does

I see both sides - you do support DIL, as do her parents. Yes, perhaps it would be nice to support them further as a couple - BUT you are also your DS’s mother. You ARE allowed to have a relationship with him - separate from DIL - too? If you only ever take him out, then yes you need to rebalance, but if you do this once or twice a year whilst babysitting at least once a month, then I’m afraid I feel DIL may be being unreasonable here.

I agree with this.
I can see why she felt you were thoughtless. You talk a lot about how much effort your son has put in recently. Some of that effort is rewarding only for your son. What your DIL is doing is a reward for the family. She’s pissed off because what you’ve done there is basically what the rest of society do. They don’t value the SAHP and child raising!

This is a bizarre take. Surely that's on the son to check? My husband sometimes goes out with a friend or family member without me. I've never expected them to ask my permission first - it's on him to check that the time/date is ok.

It is recognised. Both sets of grandparents babysit regularly.
The couple in question can organise themselves daycare if SAH parenting is too much. It’s not the 1950’s.

Does Ops son complain when his wife goes out with her mum leaving him with the child I wonder? If she never leaves the child alone with him then that’s on her.

Again you are being obtuse. She said the reason she was taken him out was for working hard which implies only his contribution to the family is worthy of being recognized. Nope being a SAHM is just as hard and stressful with no breaks. It’s not like she relaxing poolside she is a new mother navigating mother hood for the first time. Dealing with poopy diapers all day, crying baby, feedings, vomit, spit up, feedings, laundry, soothing the baby to sleep, oh yeah a real life of luxury she leads. But let’s overlook that. I’m confused why you are bringing a father son relationship into it when I clearly stated the reason wasn’t bc it’s a mother and son it’s bc of the reason the mother is giving her son’s hard work. So why would you think I wouldn’t be just as upset if a father took his son out for working hard if I mentioned that was the reason?

So he had the Saturday the dil can have the Sunday.

For the thousandth time the DIL is already with the child alone the majority of the day for 5 days a week so this is yet another day her jeans gets off Scott free away from his child. So people saginf would the father be upset if he had to care for his own child while the mother went out is apples and oranges bc he isn’t the one with the child the majority of the day 5 days a week. The mother is. What are people not understanding about the difference here.

I think you sound like you have a good relationship and you are very sensible and caring.

But MIL is going a step further but taking her son out and not treating them like a unit separating them out. If you recognize your son’s efforts you should recognize your DIL’s. They are a unit one stop separating them out. It’s son and DIL

You put what I was trying to say much more eloquently than me thank you!!

What do you mean separate from your DIL? They are a married unit they are both parents. Being her son doesn’t automatically mean his efforts to his family are more important or more deserving of recognition than his wife’s

I think that you are willing to take on board that there was an oversight here is amazing, we’re all learning and it’s amazing that you’re wanted to get it right. Offer her support more and look after your GD. Your DIL needs you so much xx

If she’s doing it weekly yes. A one off no.

Completely agree - DIL is being unreasonable about you wanting to spend time with your son. His efforts at home / time for herself / time together as a couple should be separate issues - though I do also get her venting if she is feeling overwhelmed (to a point)
Does she spend one on one time with her family, etc?

She said it’s because he is “under pressure in work”. It stands on its own. It doesn’t imply anything about anybody else.

I’ve both had & minded 6 month old babies. What you are describing is a 6 week old baby. A newborn essentially.

But OP does babysit for them. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to treat her son on this occasion.

OP, I don't think you did anything wrong. Your DIL is obviously feeling a bit taken for granted but that's not your issue to fix. If she and your son want a date night, or she needs some time to herself, then they should arrange that and arrange a babysitter (possibly you). Or your son could step up at the weekends and give her a few hours to herself while he looks after the baby.

Anyone else think the thread title is odd, given the OP’s content?

tbh I think your son behaved poorly too - using DIL as the default parent and agreeing to have the day out. I suspect there is a lot of tension and resentment in their marriage and your son needs to remember his priorities

I mean she literally is taking her son out to recognize his efforts you can’t get more cut and dry than that of showing she doesn’t recognize the efforts of SAHMS. And you can’t have it both ways if her son is working as many hours as she claims then doesn’t that mean he must not be home a lot so I’m sure his time with his immediate family wife and child which does comes first is limited so it is kinda crappy to cut into that knowing your DIL is home all week alone with the baby for the majority of the day and the 2 days out of 7 days she has her husband the father if said baby with her he’s taken away one day of the week. That’s not a good or supportive MIL. This has nothing to do with gender but you are turning it into that it’s about cutting into her son’s family time which is precious and ignoring her DIL’s efforts. I don’t care if it’s the
mother father cousin aunt exes baby momma it’s still cutting into their time together as their own immediate family unit. Cutting into their time as their little family unit has nothing to do with gender so why would you act like it makes a difference whether it’s a man or a woman?