I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

Rather too much self flagellation going on here I think. Just move on.

Having to be responsible for the child she chose to have? I’m sorry but I don’t see why people have children they don’t want to take care of. It’s a full time occupation almost, anyway, while they’re babies but they soon grow and are at school. And before you know it, they’re teens and don’t want mothers around very much. Its the most rewarding thing you can do, and if you don’t like it, there is the choice to not have them. I hated having to send mine to school. Why are ppl always complaining they have to be mums when that’s what life is about if you choose to give birth? It’s not a grandparents job …they did theirs. They get to enjoy the grandchildren yes, but it’s not their responsibility to take over .

I don't know that the treat or rest fir your DIL has to be with you specifically btw, you've said it in a few comments now about taking her for a girly day or for lunch and she actually said time with her husband one on one would be what she'd like to do. That way they both get a break and some time together.

@TheWisePearlRaven why did you start this thread? I am almost sure this is a reverse post

This wouldn’t bother me, as a daughter in law.

I get along with my MIL perfectly well but have no interest whatsoever in days/evenings out together, just the two of us.

I don’t see why the OP has to treat them equally either - one is her child, one is her child’s spouse. They are not the same.

This!

It sounds like your son isn't pulling his weight at home after work and DIL has lashed out at you because of it and instead of speaking to your son about supporting DIL more you're blaming yourself.

She recognising that he is under pressure in work. I don’t think people would have the same issue of the FIL did it and I stand by that.

??

So it's wrong that a MOTHER can do something for her own adult child ? Rather than have to always treat them as part of a couple.. sorry disagree with this

I think you sound lovely.

My MIL has never babysat for us.

I’m right there with you. It feels like there's a double standard at play. If a mom does something nice for her son, she's suddenly viewed as overstepping or disrespecting her DIL's role, or worse, seen as not recognizing her DIL's hard work. But if a dad or another guy did the same thing, it'd be seen as a harmless guys' night out. And let's not forget, when wives say "it's taking time away from our immediate family," it's often a socially acceptable way of saying "I want to control who my husband spends time with," which would be deemed controlling or isolating if framed differently – yet somehow it's normalized in this context. A mother's love for her son doesn't diminish just because he's married – she should be able to treat him or spend time with him without being seen as usurping her DIL's role.

Good for your DD for saying it how it is! I would have kept quiet to you and grumbled to DH. The days can be really long and lonely when you’re caring for a baby (even if you would much rather be an SAHP than work) and you created another long and lonely day for her. It’s good you’ve now seen the error of your ways.

Not in the slightest. It's a turn of phrase and one DH and I used to use about each other if the went for a jolly and presence had to be confirmed in advance because sole availability for childcare/parenting was required.

This to a point.

Being a parent is choice.

As for the “hardest job in the world” compared to what? Is it harder than neurosurgery, nursing, prison officer, teacher?

Lets be reasonable and recognise that while SAHP is work and has a lot downsides including being told it isn’t “work”, it isn’t the “hardest job in the world”. And if you thought it was why did you take it on?

You seem to be arguing with everyone who's defending you so I'm not sure what you're looking for here. I personally don't think you've done anything wrong - and I'm a mum of two tiny ones.

Attitude adjustment suddenly? All very odd.

I wish I'd had a mil like you who was so willing to help and to listen.

I think there are two issues and for me the lesser of them would be feeling unacknowledged in my efforts as a mother. The fact it matters so much to her suggests how you feel about her is really important to her.

The bigger issue for me would be looking forward to the weekend and co-parenting together, only to find I was on my own with the baby on one of the days. I think your son has been more inconsiderate here than you have because he should have understood this situation and found a different solution to spending time with you.
During the week she probably has a routine of playdates but everyone tends to disappear into their families at the weekend, so I imagine it is doubly lonely to suddenly be on your own with the baby.

I'm trying to think what the win win solution would be here because it's important for you to have time with just your son too. There are conversations you can't have when you're all together, and there is only so much free time for this couple.
Maybe in future treat them both to a day out that you can all enjoy, watch how your son is with the baby. Does he do his fair share? then babysit on the evening so that they can go out together for a few hours.

You are doing so great though acknowledging and making an effort to do better most people don’t even do that! :( i’m a full-time single mom and at first it kind of made me sad to see what you said, but I can totally see that you were very remorseful and I get wanting to have time with your son because even as my daughter gets older and has a family I would wanna have one on one time with her. But it’s definitely so important to communicate to the whole family and make sure everybody is comfortable with things before making plans, it shows a lot that you came and let yourself be vulnerable and seek answers because you were only trying to be kind but I totally get DIL side too

I’m glad someone else noticed!

I agree generally that offering to babysit for them is the most neutral thing and generally the most appreciated, but as you point out, you already do this, and my impression is that the treat for your son is a one off, or at least rare, event. If that is the case I think she's overreacting and you are reasonable to (occasionally) do that, especially as you checked with him first - it's for him to check with her, not you. t's good she feels free to mention it but there's a balance to be drawn from her side too. It's hard for us to read from your mail what a reasonable view of her reaction was but there's potential that she may have been over-assertive.

Honestly I've RTFT and it sounds like everything is sorted, everyone's talking, lessons learnt and mindfulness of DIL is in the bag so hurrah!

However, I can't help be struck by some of the hardline attitudes on here about MILs "transgression" in this instance.

Two people have (presumably) decided to have a baby together. They have decided on a parenting dynamic that suits them (presumably). They are adults and get on with it. The wider family seems pretty chill and supportive.

So I really don't get this endless analysing and hand wringing and expectation that either parent should be elevated or treated or recognised for their apparent contribution to family and society by virtue of having done what millions of people have done since the dawn of time.

Support and care and kindness from MIL should be a given because that's what decent people do, but having to tie herself in knots because she framed one on one time with her son in the wrong way and it's unfair on DIL comes across as a bit neurotic.

If a mistake is made, they can talk about it and do things differently to suit everyone's feelings then great, job done.

I'm just not really getting all the feminism / patriarchy / incubator rhetoric being hammered home.

At the end of the day, you choose to start a family, you then have to navigate and learn and adapt to how that goes with wider family and which battles are worth fighting. You're now an adult, and a parent, and yes, it's tough alot of the time, and yes, some aspects are unfair, and big problems and patterns of being de-valyed as a mother do need addressing. But I'm not seeing that in how the OP describes the situation and it's quite plain "lessons have been learned".(in fact the whole tone of things makes me imagine a world where fines can be imposed on MIL for such transgressions, and some posters probably would welcome that )

I think it's really sad that all sorts of relationships these days seem less and less natural and organic, and people seem to approach them with checklists of psychological analysis and immediate defensiveness before there are major signs of dysfunction. The world is not ideal, people are not perfect, big issues do need management of course. But this whole situation really doesn't fit into big issue territory at all IMHO.

I've taken an extra year off work though I do some freelance work in the evenings, as nursery fees were crippling, and I fine it harder than working alot of the time.

There's a relentlessness to the weeks when you're a SAHM to a baby particularly, and adding an extra day on by your son being away for the day on a weekend must have felt so mentally draining for your DIL.

Your son should have asked first too, not for permission but because theyre a family now, and she might have been able to express her wishes then instead of after the fact.

It doesn't sound like she's objecting to your not rewarding her for her contributing with a day out with you, rather that she'd like her own space and time out with her DH. It sounds like she probably was replying to your reasons for taking your son out when she was saying she contributes too etc.

I think this is unfair. You asked your son, he said it was fine. You already babysit to give them time together. Her parents also help. If there was an issue, your son should have told you it was not possible or suggested an outing with all of them, explaining that she didn't want to be left alone with the baby.
I completely get where your DIL is coming from, after a week with the baby, she really wants some adult company, not more of the same. However, that's a conversation she should be having with your son.
Probably the way the day out was mentioned as a reward for you son got to her as well. If your day out is a reward, where's her award?

There’s a weird dichotomy on MN - SAHM is the hardest job in the world Vs same mother who after being lauded for her SAHM efforts, must also almost disown an adult son once he marries or else “can’t let go”, “apron strings” etc.