I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

Why on earth has the op got it wrong for taking her son out - there is nothing stopping the dil going out with her own dm or.asking the op.to babysit another time if she wants a day out with her dh.

Again using language like “date” to describe a mother going to a game with her son suggests bias.
A mother cannot “date” her son by definition.

I agree. This is a manifestation of DIL's resentment for DS more than anything. As much as OP might gush about her son being an 'awesome dad', it seems there's trouble in paradise and it sounds like, yet again, DS is swanning off doing something fun as an adult and DIL is stuck at home.

Whilst you and her parents do babysit, I think there's more going on here behind closed doors. She's already told you that she feels like she's always solo parenting, maybe he's not pulling his weight and you're not seeing it.

It sounds like you already babysit regularly to give them couple time. You aren’t telepathic. You can’t be expected to know she wanted some more babysitting for her time. But note that she hasn’t asked to spend time with you while baby is with Dad. That’s the difference. You and your son are should spend time together. I expect my parents are older than you and my Dad is very ill, but my husband is always encouraging me to spend time with my parents while I still can.

The more I think about it this has to be a reverse. And the DIL has definitely made sure you feel too nervous to spend any time on your own with your son hasn’t she.

Bc it was for “working hard” when DIL is working just as hard being a SAHM to a young baby and running the household. But that’s not being recognized. Only one half of the married unit is.

My in-laws did fuck all really for us and babysitting once a month sounds pretty great. (The few times they babysat it ended in tears because he’s a stroppy bastard.)

I think she was a bit cheeky to moan at you… But on the other hand yeah it’s pretty wearing constantly propping up somebody who is really stressed. Who cares? You meant well. Don’t overthink it.
I hope in years to come I can take my boys out without anybody having a fit.

I think she will really appreciate it. I think the most pertinent thing in this whole situation is that she was able to be honest with you about her hurt and you graciously apologised and are looking for a way to mend things with her. This is so so encouraging and means that rather than this situation being something you both hold resentment over, you’ve both been able to use it as a way to strengthen your relationship. She now knows she can tell you if you’ve upset her and you will receive it calmly, and you can have increased confidence that she will let you know if you’ve got it wrong, which actually gives you more freedom in the relationship.

i would also bear in mind she obviously cares about you enough to try and resolve things rather than just distance herself.

You’ll move past this and have a much deeper relationship as a result.

I hope that when/if my (little) children marry, their spouses will also feel able to have uncomfortable conversations with me. I’ll feel I’ve done something right if they do.

I’m saying that it’s odd for the mother to treat her son for working hard when the son isn’t working hard for his mother but to support his wife and child. Surely his wife would fill the role/be the one to recognize his stress and take her husband out. It’s overstepping to the marriage of his mom to step into what is happening in their own family unit and try to fill in the gaps so to speak. If my MIL did this I would think how bizarre my husband working hard has nothing to do with you he’s not wording to support you then I could see her rewarding him for this. I would be thinking he’s my husband working to support his family wife and child I don’t need you swooping in to take him out and treating him as if I’m not recognizing my own husband or taking him out

He is “under a lot of pressure in work”. We don’t know that DIL is “working just as hard”. I have children and I also minded a baby under 1 for a few months. Compared to my office job minding the baby was an absolute walk in the park.

I don’t think having a few hours with your son is wrong and it’s not on you to sort their childcare arrangements. If it was an issue your ds should have said. Yes offer to babysit both and you could take dil out too but don t be afraid to see your son without dil.

This feels like a reverse to me.

OP, who already babysits for the fam once a month, is so keen to cast herself in the wrong for wanting to spend some alone time with her adult offspring.

But would you only recognize your son’s hard work and not your DIL being a SAHM to your GC and doing all the hard work required of that. If yes you would suck as a MIL if not then disregard what I just said

Why is the op responsible for acknowledging anything about the dil, seriously this is ridiculous imo. Treating her son is not a commentary on the dil. I am sure the dil mum will be bigging up her dd without worrying about whether her son in law feels bigged up enough as well - these are grown adults who surely can cope with their partner receiving a present from their parents without whining that it is not fair that they didn't get a present too.

I guess I’m at a lost what DIL being there takes away from her seeing her son. Not to mention her son was raken out for his hard work while DIL is busting her ass as a SAHM doing the brunt of household things and childcare but sure let’s just recognize and reward the father. That’s the problem

Do men always need praising for normal stuff like going out to work?
Honestly massive eye roll at that!
He's an adult , he doesn't need treats for behaving like an adult
Time for MIL to cut the apron strings
Luckily she gets it
Let's hope she kicks her lazy son into doing his fair share at home

Agree . It’s batshit really .

I think it's really special that you have the kind of relationship where you can both see raw points with each other and communicate through it (from her) or respect each other enough to rationally consider the other's position even where it can cause a bit of hurt (you). That's so valuable and rare, you make a wonderful team if you can hold onto that.

Is she being a bit selfish? Maybe a little but given they have a baby- the two most intense years of parenthood- then I think it can be forgiven. If pre kids she was jealous of your time together, that's different, but you sound like a rational lady who otherwise likes her, so I will assume she is otherwise not selfish, and maybe just a bit vulnerable currently in the sleep/hormone/SAHM to a baby merry-go-round.

Hopefully your generosity and kindness to her now is paid off in the future as there are times when all of us are a bit needy one way or another, and having a relationship where you can afford each other compassion in those times is golden.

Good luck to all of you going forwards :)

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you taking your son out or seeing him separately to his wife.

Imagine if the situation reversed and your DS was kicking off that his MIL had dared take her daughter off to a football match or out for dinner and he was appalled to be left at home holding the baby with no treats. Everyone here would call him an abusive twat, wouldn’t they?

By all means babysit so they can get out together whenever you want, it don’t be told it’s not ok to see your DS.

She’s not the other woman, she’s his mother.

She not trying to “fill the gaps” in his marriage. She’s his mother. It’s a completely separate thing to being his wife.

OP never said she did it because she felt her DIL wasn’t recognising her husband’s work. That’s reading a thought process into it that simply isn’t there.

I’ve never felt in competition with my MIL because I see her a my husband’s mother. I recognise that she gave birth to him, raised him and has an interest in him.

I don’t think everyone needs to be treated the same. But I think the framing of “DS, you’ve been so busy and you’re such a good dad, let me treat you!!” while leaving DIL, who looks after a 6 month old Mon-Fri, to a Saturday by herself with the baby as well was insensitive. Your treat for him being such an amazing dad involves more parenting work for her.

This is more on your son. He needs to see pull his weight more if his wife feels resentful that she never gets a break. Being a SAHM shout be 24/7. They should share the load outsideboth their working hours. Her job starts when he goes to workk and finishes when he is back and the rest they should split 50:50.

I can see both sides tbh (DS & DIL that is )
Your son is at fault for assuming his DW is ok with him going off for the day and assuming that she’s ok to do the parenting again however your DIL should have taken this up with him and not you
I don’t think you should be denied spending time alone with your DS. It’s not your job to ensure that your DIL gets a break. She can arrange that with her DH, friends or own parents -blaming you is unfair !
I think you have been very kind and accommodating in your reaction and they are very lucky to have you however please don’t let everyone overlook your needs . You should be allowed to have alone time with your son if that’s what you want - he just needs to give more consideration as to how that fits in with his parental duties

Bc it sends a message when a MIL overlooks and ignores her DIL’s contribution to the family and elevates her son for doing what every father and husband is expected to do everyday. It’s a passive aggressive snub. Once her son is married it’s not just about him anymore but supporting her son’s family unit which consists of wife and child. He isn’t a single dad. Her DIL carried her child for 9 months pushed a whole human out of her vagina permanently changing her body is dealing with no adult interaction all day dealing with the household dealing with a crying baby etc etc but only the son is recognized seriously fuck that shit!!! And then the MIL has the audacity to pull her son away from the very limited time he has with his immediate family unit to get a treat after her DIL has the baby alone all day for 5 days a week HE is the one needing a break away from the baby. You said it she isn’t thinking of her DIL and that’s said that she is showing no care for her at all or doesn’t care how it affects her. Well if my MIL treated me like that I would be shutting her out from my family unit and not be so quick to give her GC time if she treated me second to my husband or less important or like my hard work don’t matter or was taken for granted. In other words an incubator

I think it’s lovely you spent some quality time with your son and it’s on him if he didn’t say can you babysit so DIL can come.

Why can’t you do both, babysit another time so they have a date night.

Sounds like he’s probably pretty selfish with DIL and she’s had enough. That’s his problem not yours.

She’s lucky you’re so thoughtful that you’re now considering if you were wrong here. It shows you care but you’re not bad for spending time with your son.

I had PIL that did SFA to help me but I accepted that it is not their responsibility to provide me with childcare but it’s lovely if it happens.. which it never did.