I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

Seems to me between two sets of grandparents she's doing okay. Lots of mums don't have help from either set of grandparents for various reasons. I had to manage if we wanted to go out together we had to pay a sitter every time. I'd have loved a family network of support but it wasn't possible.

Agree. I'm surprised at the voting on this thread. I think DIL is playing the victim.

once your son marries your DIL is family too so you wouldn’t care about her feelings? Or that she felt comfortable enough to reach out to you instead of burying her resentment deep down inside and letting it fester and then taking it out on you later on in passive aggressive ways. Her nice thing for her son cut into his very limited time spending it with his wife and very young child right now that’s where his priorities need to be especially given she is dojng the brunt of childcare which OP seems to completely overlook. It’s sad that there are so many MILs on here who would completely disregard their DIL’s feelings and everything they do for their family in favor of their sons. How would you reply if this was your DIL?

I can see it both sides. But my MIL gave two tickets to London Olympics (we then lived close to the site). I couldn’t go because it would have involved a sitter from 12 to 11.30pm and I couldn’t find anyone, and my MIL was free, but evasive. My husband took a friend. That was exactly what my MIL intended - a pass-agg way of telling me she really didn’t like me, and lots of smaller incidents confirmed it. So maybe your daughter-in-law has interpreted it in the same way?

Why do you think she would only be bothered if her MIL overlooked her contributions but not her FIL? Interesting take

“Take him places” he isn’t a child. And it’s the fact she didn’t care about her DIL’s stress inking taking her son out during their LIMITED time together as husband and wife and bonding with his young child. This wasn’t the time to do it. When a family has a young child asking for alone time when they don’t have much time together because their family unit comes first is a bit out of bounds when his hours die down and he has more free time or the baby is a bit older sure. Not sure why she couldn’t treat the two of them as I’m sure it would have been a nice family outing and a chance for them both to get a reprieve

No it doesn't in the slightest - only a narcissist would read her mil treating her dp to an occasional day out in this way.

What?! This is CRAZY! I heard it all. It’s isolating to expect that after having the baby alone for the majority of 5 days of the week that you would have your husband’s support during the very limited time he has on thr 6th and 7th day and that you aren’t home alone again doing all the child caring and not only that it’s her HUSBAND and her young baby’s FATHER. Of course she would expect that time to be spent bonding with his young child that is his immediate family and where his responsibility lies is with his child and wife. If he goes out on the weekend leaving his wife at home when does he have time to bond with his child and wife? And don’t tell me on the weekday evenings bc again if he is working they many hours I’m sure he is coming home later than usual prob having dinner showering and going to bed. Hell a baby that young may already be in bed by the time he gets home. So why is his mom getting his attention before his wife and child?

So you taking your adult son out as a one off treat means all that - wow

Assume the dil is expected to refuse any gifts from her parents also as she is a grown up.

Seriously some grips are required here.

It reminds me of that old rhyme:

A daughter is a daughter all her life
A son is a son until he takes a wife

By no means right across the board or all the time, but definitely a nugget of truth.

She's not the DILs Mum.

see There is that word again. ENTITLED.
no one is entitled to anyone’s time. Does your DIL know your feel entitled to your son’s time? What if she was upset about it? Also do you ever go out alone with her?

Having had a child this is s tad fucking dramatic- perhaps in the first few weeks post partum or with several v young dc or dc with v challenging needs this is warranted but the dil as a capable grown woman with a single 6mo child is fully capable of arranging her day to suit herself without the dh for a single day.

If it were me I could conceive of many lovely days that did not require my dh - she could even arrange her own dps to have the baby while she goes out herself.

Also do you ever go out alone with her?

Why would she? Most DiLs have their own parents to go out alone with.

"No I think you misunderstood the reason I treated my son to this was to give him a reprieve from his bush job bc he’s been under a lot of work stress lately"

Direct quote from one of the OPs posts.

Then the DIL waded in saying she wasn't being recognised for all her hard work as a SAHM and she wanted a break too.

Which isn't the OPs responsibility to provide nor should she be made to feel like shit because she took her stressed son out to a sporting event.

DIL is in a really privileged position being a SAHM but is positioning herself as a victim or at least wanting recognition, praise and treats from her MIL!!

I'm sure if DILs parents do something for her because she's stressed as a new Mum, DP won't be going to her parents demanding he's recognised for the fact he works which allows the DIL to be a SAHM.

HRTFT but this bit stood out to me- your DS said it’s fine.but the DiL being unhappy about it suggests that he didn’t consider his wife. I think maybe giving DS a nudge to be more cognisant about the fact that while his work finishes on a Friday night, the domestic work continues all the time. So if their household split is that she does this domestic work, when does she get any time off? Does he expect her just to be the default carer? My ex was like that, at weekends he just made his own plans (we worked the same hours, although my role required additional work outside of the workplace while his job ended when he came home) and assumed I would be there with dc. He never factored in time for me to do something for myself, or even to do my work prep, and I found that enraging and hurtful.

I hardly ever comment on posts but this one resonated with me. I am a daughter and a Granny. I think you are absolutely wonderful taking your son out. You need that time sometimes to reconnect with your “baby” away from family life. You are obviously a very good Mum and MIL - the fact your DIL can talk to you speaks volumes. Keep doing what you are doing and be mindful of having family time too. People could learn a lot from you

If my MIL had taken my DH out to give him a break when DC was a baby, I would have been furious. The correct thing is what your DIL suggested: You should have offered to take the baby to give them both a break. Your taking just your son out implies that he alone needs the break, and it left DIL in the situation of doing more childcare, when she feels that she doesn't ever get to step away from that duty, while DH gets adult time at the office.

I'm impressed, however, that your DIL feels comfortable voicing this directly to you.

I’ve had more than one child and was briefly a child minder, and one 6 month old baby is not usually hard work compared to a lot of things.

There is no “correct thing” as many posts on this thread indicate. If this had happened to me I’d have called my mum and arranged to spend the day with her. What’s sauce for the goose and all that.

This - she took him out because of stress.

In most workplaces stress and the importance of mental health are increasingly being recognised.

It’s not about DIL and she shouldn’t have made it about her.

Seriously you would be furious if your dh went out for a day with one of his parents - I assume you never went out for the day with your parents either if you held your dh to that.

You have a child - the world and everyone in it has not started to revolve around you - both you and your husband should definitely take personal time with friends and family.

No, it implies he's her son and she cares about him. Which she should.

I think there are a lot of SAHMs who think going to work is a jolly and a break from parenting.

It isn't. The same as working Mums are still 'full-time Mums' despite all the SAHM s claiming they're not.

And in this day and age, how can anyone claim to be surprised that having young kids isn't easy, let alone want praise, recognition and treats for the choices they made.

So the son can care for the baby another day and she can go out with her mum. Doesn't take 2 people to look after a 6 month old

I think work, for example a corporate job has some advantages, chats with colleagues etc that I missed when I wasn’t working. But at the end of the day it’s work not amusement park. You are accountable to others for your time.

When my baby was 6 months I had freedom I could go to coffee shops, baby cinema, lovely walks, I could stay in my PJs all day if I wanted. And I got to hang out with my baby, see all his milestones. It was a gorgeous time in my life. I understand there are situations like PN, additional needs, high needs baby, baby who never sleeps etc.
But minding your own average 6 month old is a happy time.