I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

Me too.

I did it for a year and like you say, there were harder days but also a lot of cafes, baby groups, play dates etc.

Then my DH took over when I went back to work.

If he'd have come to MN complaining that my Mum took me out for the day while he parented and my Mum wasn't recognising his SAH contribution to our family, he'd have had his arse handed to him 😆

Read the ops posts. They get grandparents babysitting three weeks out of four.

Why would no one bat an eyelid you think if a man offered to take him if the reason being given it’s for him being recognized and not his wife. Surely it would bother her too if his father recognized him and not her. Or is because women assume women support other women so another women taken her husband out throws a monkey wrench in the plan in her mind?

But the afternoon is during their very limited time her son has to bond with his wife and very young child and we know darn well MIL is aware of their family schedule so why pick the one day her DIL has support with her child at home and her son has time to bond with his child? That’s his first priority bc his wife is home alll day with the baby alll week and MIL wants to take her support away the one day she has it. Yeah I would be living if I was DIL. Also why doesn’t MIL realize that being with his wife and seeing his young daughter would cheer him up? Does she think her son would want to be away from his family during this limited time. When I was a young mom I would find it very telling and strange if during our limited time together he chose an afternoon with his mother over spending time with his child not even me but his young child bonding with her.

Are you still with the father of your children @ForBusyZebra?

And I bet the DS never thanks his wife for staying home with their child washing his mind about who is caring for their child and saving money on child care fees enabling him to work these extra hours. It’s women that are overlooked and taken for granted not men

You have used language like “swooping in”, “date” and “role of the wife” to describe the DH’s mother taking him out for the day because he as experiencing work stress.

People don’t talk about men like that but we do talk about other women like that including unfortunately MIL.

If FIL said to his son he was taking him out for the day due to work stress no one would described it as a “date”, or say “how odd”.

DIL might talk to her husband about it but I can almost guarantee she wouldn’t take it up with her FIL. It’s the lucky MILs who get that.

If I told me FIL I had an issue with him talking his aok out for a match he’d have a great laugh at my expense.

We don’t know that. If I had decided to stay at home with my children it would have cost us a lot of money. We’d had ended up in mortgage arrears.

It’s not 1950s, women have the option to work and most hold households need two salaries now.

I don’t know about that US but in Ireland most childcare is now heavily subsidised so it doesn’t make financial sense for even low earners not to work.

It was a one off? It’s not every week. I’m a mother and you know what, I bloody love time away from my kids and husband with my parents on the one or two occasions I have managed it. And my husband has supported me spending that time alone with them. And I would and have support him doing the same with his. Why is it weird to want a bit of time away from your kids and partner every now and then? It was one afternoon.

So weird that people are odd about it. If the OP was a woman spending one afternoon with her daughter you can guarantee the answers would be totally different.

I mean, you don't know that AT ALL.

Same as you don't know if DIL is thanking the DS for working, financially providing for the family so she can stay home.

Or is it just women that are working (at home) in this scenario and should be thanked?

And why?

The misandry on this site is insane.

I'm guessing they both decided to have a DC and both decided how to manage it financially?

You're acting like the DIL is making a huge sacrifice and he's lucky to get to work so she can stay home?

Is he a partner and an equal parent or a source of finances for the DILs desire to have a DC and stay home?

You make it sound like you think it's the latter.

Anyone is his son’s wife. She trumps mother as far as priorities in his life and this someone else is her DIL. Like you said they aren’t children so why is son being infantilized by getting a treat for doing what millions of ppl do everyday? What about DIL’s recognition for bringing up their child? She overlooked that. They are married her DIL is family. Like hell you seem to very VERY strongly about this. His immediate family consists of wife and young child MIL sucks for taking her son away from his home responsibilities with the already very little time they have together. If this was my MIL I would feel cross with her for the implications of her son needing rewarded but not me and for daring to cut into our family time.

It's a few hours.

He's at home every evening and every weekend otherwise.

The DC is 6 months old, why are you assuming a few hours is taking away 'bonding time' when he's been bonding every single day for 6 months?

Are you one of those controlling DILs who think your DP should not be allowed any time away (apart from the work he does to allow you to stay at home) from your 'little family'?

That’s a bit extreme whenever she bloody wants to? Without considering the impact on his wife and child that’s BS!! His main immediate family and responsibility is now being a father and husband not being MIL’s son. So you’re saying it’s ok no matter how inconvenient it may be for her DIL or how much it would take away from her son’s limited time with his family to take just him out? As a MIL it’s about realizing your son isn’t a single man anymore and his little family comes first and thinking in the context of supporting them as a family unit and not engaging in behaviors and demanding your son’s time that would take away from that is paramount. Otherwise you’re just a nightmare in disguise. It screams entitlement I can do whatever with my son he is my SON MY SON MY SON fuck his wife and child and their feelings and how it impacts them. What if her son said mom the limited time I have at home I want to spend with my wife and child would she then have the right to say well you’re my son I’m taking you out anytime I damn well please. You talk about the DIL being entitled but that attitude of being owed time with her son is just as entitled. If your DIL texted you that what would you say.

This is a huge overreaction to that persons comment.

Ha I knew it!!

See my PP.

You saying 'his little family' equals you being a controlling DIL who doesn't want your DP to have any time away from you and definitely not time with his family who will likely pick up on your controlling behaviour and then you'll complain about your ILs.

Having a DC with someone doesn't mean you get to isolate them from their family.

That's controlling and abusive and sorry, but you could split up any day and he'll need and want his family support.

It's not all about you.

How is this the case here? Her son literally ditched the limited time he gets with his wife and young daughter at home to be pampered to and catered by his mother. Seems like if anything he views himself as a son before a husband and father if anything

Are you going to answer my question?

wtf is wrong when saying little family? That’s what they are. And yes sorry his baby daughter that he gets little time with along with his wife is his immediate family and should be his most important family. that’s what marriage is forming and creating your own family. MIL honed in on their limited time together and we all know she damn well knows her son’s schedule and time is limited with his child and wife and instead of taking them all out she says hey son why don’t just you and I go out despite that this is the time for your own family
unit and forget this leaves her DIL with more work. Give me a break with the be needs to be rewarded by his mother for doing what every human does. I’m sick of men being elevated and treated for something millions of people do everyday. It’s such a double standard where women are just assumed and taken for granted for their role in the family.

thank god my MIL was never like this and recognized that her son’s wife and child came first and she recognized us both together.

Not have any time away. Please this man works clearly tons of hours they are a part most time. Yes if I was the DIL I would damn well expect when I’m raising up our daughter 5 days a week and barely seeing my husband and watching him bond with our daughter that our precious little family time on the weekend would be spent together and seeing extended family (friends/other family) would be done all together

But she does this 5 days a week already. It’s not unreasonable to expect to not have to the remaining 2 days.

It was ONE time?! Do you begrudge his wife going out with th her friends or her mum? She’s not with her ‘little family’ or is that okay because she’s a woman?!

@ForBusyZebrago have a cup of tea love, you seem stressed

Jesus.

Are you okay?

You're projecting all over this thread.

His Mum taking him out for one sport game in 6 months is pampering him?

Come on, be honest. Is it just your MIL you hate because your DP loves her? Or is it all men you hate?

Why is there so much hate on the phrase little family. If this man is working long hours chances are he gets home late his child man already be in bed his wife burnt out sleeping or about to go to bed. You know that’s not the same thing as real family quality time. Yes when I was a young mother weekends I felt were reserved for us to bond together bc during the week that didn’t happen much and when we saw extended family we saw them together

Like I said 'little family' is a RED FLAG for a controlling and abusive woman who can't bear the thought that her DP has a family that love him and you want to separate them because YOU are more important.

It's not even about the DC, it's about YOU and your abusive behaviour. You just happened to get pregnant so now use that DC to control and isolate your DP.

Despicable.