I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

I can understand both sides here. What's done is done. You sound like a reasonable person and I think it's a good sign that your DIL could be so honest with you. Going forward you'll remember this and not do the same sort of thing again.

Gonna buck the trend here. When my mum was alive she would always be treating me (and my kids) she’d often do things for me and us while my husband was working. He never felt that she needed to compensate by doing something for him, that would have been a bit weird. I think the mistake was framing it as a treat because your son has worked hard, can’t you both just go to a game sometimes? And then you can babysit another time to give them both a break? Idk she sounds like she’s got a point but honestly my mum used to do anything for me and it was never taken by my husband as favouritism he was always grateful she cared about me.

I think you sound lovely. You haven't got defensive to her comment. It's also OK to want spend time with ds or dil alone. I'd reframe it and say I'm sure dil will want to spend quality time with dd when she is a adult and grandparents can help out and have quality time with their kids too.

Ie do both. They are very lucky as my fil hasn't seen my kids for 8 years now. Mil lives abroad and on rare trips back home only sees us for lifts to and from the airport. Her time in between flights is seeing her cousins. My dd actually thought mils name was fil new wife's name that's how little she knows any of them. Ouch! Imagine not knowing granny's name age 11 but granny is still very much alive and healthy.

I can see why your DIL was irritated if you said you were taking your son out in recognition of his contribution to the family, it sounds like you're rewarding him in a way you'd treat a child.

It's OK to do something fun with your son just because you want to spend some time with him every now and then. It would be great if you could babysit a bit more, as your DIL has said she needs a break.

🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

These people aren't children, they're married adults. If your son thinks going out with his mother on a Saturday night is fine then the DILs issue is with him, not her.

Like hell will I be consulting anyone else before treating my son just because he's married. If my offer doesn't suit, he can tell me.

I'm so confused as to why you didn't see what you did as elevating him for the bare minimum?? This makes zero sense to me.

Ok devils advocate but this is on your son. If he wanted a date day he could of cancelled or rescheduled with you. Your not your daughter in laws mum they need to ask if they need help with childcare - continue to prioritise your son he might need it one day

I think she’s cheeky to even bring it up tbh, you’re allowed to do something with your son without this overreaction. I bet opinions would be different if her mum had treated her to a girly day. You already babysit once a month for them to have a date night and I’m sure she could ask you if she wanted an extra day to herself for a break. It’s nice that you’re close but she’s not your daughter and has her own mum. I think it’s really out of order she’s made you feel so guilty and it was your sons responsibility to make sure she was happy with the childcare arrangements on the day.

Yes it started overly positive and caring of her DIL for someone who thinks she’s done nothing wrong. She knew how to play Mumsnet.

It was latent from the outset to me!

She did go into a lot of detail of how her DIL feels which rung alarm bells for me.

Yes I suspect he does the bare minimum and his mummy dearest thought that’s too much and her son needs a break.

In the future, just ask your son to do stuff. Don't brand it as a reward for being a good parent.

I actually don't think you got it wrong. You did a kind thing as a mother. Maybe not as a MIL, but seemingly not intentional. Where is DILs mother?

I do think it's time to take DIL out, maybe step up the babysitting but work with DIL on it so there could be a date, me time... ask what she needs. Apologise. You did a nice thing but she will need a break too.

You sound lovely, conscientious, caring and I think it's great you can discuss with your DIL. So many can't!

I think it is lovely that you took your grandson out, and for sure you should be able to treat your grandchildren and build a loving relationship with them. I am sure he will remember this outing as a core memory and that is wonderful. It's only that it got framed as helping out your son. I'm sure it did but it understandably left your DIL feeling unseen and undervalued. Sounds like you are a very empathetic person, so I am sure this can be easily repaired. However, remember that not all your babysitting needs to be to place the parents first and foremost, you can also do things because they are positive for you and the grandchildren.

If you go on about taking your son out ‘for his hard work & role in the family’ that’s really annoying & would severely piss me off. I guarantee your husband doesn’t ‘work’ as much as dil if she’s doing all the house stuff & caring for the dc. It’s already a thankless job so seeing my husband swanning off for a treat at the weekend would push a new mum over the edge!

it’s great that you acknowledge how you could have done it better. Please don’t tout treats as rewards for working for family & agree you don’t need to pay for anything but supporting their family with babysitting to allow them
te to connect as a couple will be the best thing you can do for their relationship & yours.

your son should have addressed & rectified this though. It’s a shame he hasn’t acknowledge & talked to you about this instead of his wife having to bring it up

Because she didn't.

She wanted to take out her son because he's been stressed with work.

For some reason, dozens of posters on this thread have assumed he does fuck all at home. I don't know why.

But she did something for her son to show appreciation but nothing for her DIL.

Most responses are bullshit. A mother can take her son out whenever she bloody well wants to. And if it’s about the wife needing a break that’s on him to arrange maybe the next day or whatever. Christ alive it’s so sad a mother can’t treat her son without backlash

I was going to say the same. Very weird, like it’s the DIL justifying herself by pretending to be the MIL and how sorry she is… .

She might have a point if OP were constantly taking her DS out for treats because he is “such a great husband and father” and leaving her to look after the DC but a one off occasion when he has been having a stressful time at work?!!

Unless there is some backstory, I think she is being unreasonable. Especially if she thinks OP should have babysat instead so they could go out as a couple instead. OP already does that regularly. She gives them lots of support. Why shouldn’t she see her DS separately or treat him once in a while? Surely the DIL does things alone with her parents sometimes and they treat her? They are still individuals 🤷‍♀️

Unless OP hasn’t told the whole story and this is just the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

Why should she? Dil has parents. Was it to show appreciation anyway or just to spend some time hanging out with him?

She literally said she wanted to reward him for everything he does for his family. If she'd have just said she wanted to spend time with her son, I think the response of many people would be different. We're just going off what she saud in her op.

Ugh. You’re such an awful person. Honestly, you’re the worst type of woman out there.

it’s the classic thing of men, who usually do less (but even if not, rarely do more) constantly being told they’re such great fathers etc. when they’re just doing the basics and the mothers efforts are overlooked.

I honestly can’t believe you left your DIL for another day of solo-parenting to treat your son for “being such a great dad” or whatever sexist bullshit.

pull your head out your arse.

very true!