I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

Just gone back and read all the OPs posts and there is a flavour of adapting and almost programming. I am getting a whiff of ChatGPT style in the responses, especially the repetition then pivot.

It's an interesting subject in general but I am having doubts about the humanity aspect of the OP.

Gosh, what a wonderful world we now live in trying to differentiate between the real and the engineered.

Might just retire under my duvet until it's confirmed Skynet is live and has been for linger than we might realise 😆

I suspect the issue is your DS works very hard in his job, but does not pull his weight at home so DIL resented his "reward" - not specifically you. If it was me I'd talk with DS about what he does at home. I've been SAHM and FT employed on different occasions - SAHM was harder and my DH was excellent.

I think it's something that's very difficult to cope with the fact that you don't get to spend much time one on one with your own child after they get married and have a baby but it's just a sad fact! I think you should have bought them both tickets and minded the baby. It can be a bit of a minefield but you loaded more work onto her by giving him a treat and that isn't really fair.

That’s exactly what she did.

It sounds like you've resolved this very amicably. I think you're right, it's great she could speak to you about it.
You meant well, but you got it wrong, but you've acknowledged that and are making it right in the future. It all sounds very healthy to me.

I can see her point. While in your head you were doing something nice for your son 'because he works hard' you kind of put more rather than less pressure on her. The fact that she told you this is good - it sounds like she feels a bit undervalued and pressured at the mo. You can really do something to help this - in your shoes you could set a regular babysitting slot and give them the space to talk things through and get out of the house together for a bit.

She babysits once a month so they can have time together so she already has a regular slot.

sounds like she is annoyed because by rewarding him, not her, you sent a message that he is working harder and more deserving than she is when in actual fact he is being lazy at home and taking her for granted, thinking he is the big man of the house simply because he has a job. You don’t owe her a break but I can see why that would be infuriating to her.

good for her for speaking up ( i wouldnt have had the guts) and for you for listening!

My son and daughter-in-law have a little child. I remember when my son and daughter were little all I wanted was a bit of time with my husband. I think at this point in their life you need to be supporting their marriage rather than only your son. It is really difficult, I know, but things will get easier!

I've been walking on eggshells around my sister for all our lives. Now, in her 50s, she's received an autism diagnosis. But I've noticed that a lot more people do seem to expect everyone to reign in their opinions so as not to cause offence. It's neurotic and it's one of the outcomes of social media, where you tend to create bubbles of people all anxious to be included and all being very careful of what they say in order not to be cast out.

I don't see why it's so wrong for you to spend some time with your son. If my husband and mil wanted to spend sometime together it wouldn't occur to me to be upset that she didn't offer to babysit instead. I do things with my mum and I hope that when my kids are adults I get to spend time with them all too. Yes it would be nice for any couple for a grandparent to babysit so they can have a date night but she could ask you to babysit as well as you having time with your son not instead of.

I haven't rtft and apologise for that - there are too many posts, but from what I HAVE read I am appalled at the responses: surely you can take your son out for whatever reason you want (although I don't understand why you had to give the event a label).

This is a controversial view, but In my opinion you are under no obligation to do any more for them than you are currently doing. You parented him (and his siblings?) for a substantial period of your life and now you have some time for yourself. I speak as someone (admittedly child free) who has been expected to do more than my fair share for my family in one way or another and all you get back for it are complaints. Does your DIL have a mum? How much help does she get from her? I think it is a downright cheek for her to criticise you for treating your son and for her to blame you for the challenges she faces.

I mean this is the kindest way possible but you sound a little bit masochistic - stop beating yourself up and put yourself first.

There’s definitely been a change of tone since she had more posts telling her DIL is being unreasonable.

OP did nothing wrong. She's every right to invite her son out. The DIL is a SAHM who already gets significant support from OP and her own parents. The DIL needs to talk to her husband, not whinge to her MIL. Why is it always the women who are expected to read everyone's minds and supply what people want? This wouldn't have been expected of FIL.

Thanks heavens I will never have a DIL to tiptoe around and try to appease.

Yes

last two posts are much more the real op I suspect

but was unsure how thread would be received at the start, so started with presenting herself as very reasonable, accommodating, supportive, positive about her dil etc etc

I can see it from all sides tbh my MIL will quite often do things with my DH, and not us as a family. He also works very hard and it’s nice for them to spend time together, however when he has worked a 6-7 day week, I’ve been full on at home as well as working PT and a tiny voice in my head does shout ‘what about me!’
It’s great that she felt she could explain to you how she felt, rather than just resent you and now you can adjust things a little, not that I think you should always invite her with your son but that she did feel left out.
I suspect as others have suggested he maybe doesn’t pull his weight at home so the resentment aimed at you should have been directed at him.
No one offers to think about babysitting for ours so we can go out as a couple, I have to ask and I don’t like to so we don’t go, so if you were to offer to babysit so they can do that I’m sure that would be appreciated. I wouldn’t expect my MIL to invite me to do something just the two of us, I’d feel a bit awkward even though I’ve been a part of their family for years.

I go out with my sons sometimes my DILs go out with their mums. I honestly can’t see a problem.

Stop grovelling to your DIL . It’s OTT . I hope not only your son but that SHE also appreciates that you babysit every month. How do they show their appreciation for you babysitting every month?

This is a really good point, people are berating OP for spending time with her son but I bet they wouldn’t bat an eyelid if DIL had done this with her mum.

I think it’s crazy that people begrudge an adult parent and adult child from hanging out together once when that adult parent already babysits on a regularly basis for the adult child and his partner.

Yes that was it! The wording was pretty identical in the “treating husband as stressed” etc and hand wringing.

I think the dil is a bit deranged and surely her mum occasionally takes her out but no one demands that mum also takes her son in law out! Maybe dad can take dil out one day to make up. And the cheek that “it takes time out where she could be doing more babysitting” -how rude is that!

This is sensible. Why does it have to be one or the other?

DIL sounds like hard work.

I'll bet she never thanks your DS for working so she can be a SAHM. It all seems very one-sided.

My DIL is very close to her mum, they go out a lot together, which is lovely. My son goes out with his dad, brother, friends. That's fine too.

It's for the couple to work out their down time. If it's not convenient or causes friction, they can decline. They're adults now.

@TheWisePearlRaven you did nothing wrong. You offered to take your son to a baseball game because he had been stressed at work. Your son had the option to discuss this with his wife and could have refused. She seems very articulate and it seems you all have a great relationship - I’m baffled by why she didn’t just say - it’s the weekend which I think should be for family time as we don’t get time together. I feel her anger is misplaced at you instead of her own husband.

I don’t see how acknowledging that your child is stressed at work automatically means you’re infantilising him and in some way diminishing the work that she does at home. I have a one year old and have been on maternity leave, on my own with a baby most days - guess what it’s what I signed up for- Ofc it’s not always easy and I have been v lucky that I’ve had a pretty chill baby and have a very supportive husband and active social life - but I wouldn’t begrudge anyone who wanted to treat my husband to a day as long as it didn’t clash with our plans and I felt happy to solo parent that day/ eve - if I wasn’t happy or hhow to do this I would take it up with my husband.

Obviously all dynamics with families are different but find it quite funny that she feels she is owed something nice for her too from you. If she wants to do something nice with her friends and family or even you why can’t she just ask to do so? That’s exactly what I did - when my child was 6 months old I had planned spa days with my husband and friends and arranged child care. To me it feels like in the future if you ever want to celebrate your child or boost him in anyway you must also make a show of doing something nice for her lest she be offended which isn’t genuine. You’ve mentioned that she has support from her parents and you often babysit too so it’s. Or like she isn’t supported.

I think the best way for you to tackle this is to stay out of it. Apologise if she’s been upset but that wasn’t your intention - next time you want to do something with your child you will check with everyone if it’s a good time. If she is sleep deprived that can make you a bit unreasonable so give her some grace for that but I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong

^^This

And how often do women go out with just their daughters and nothing is ever said?