I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

I’m in two minds in this.

on the one hand your son is your son , and you are not being unreasonable to spend the day with him, regardless of the reasons.

on the other hand I can appreciate her feelings as being a sahm can be difficult and if on a weekend she was looking forward to him being a present parent and them spending time as a family that she would be pissed off.

i don’t think it’s the op’s responsibility to give her ‘time off’ from the family. And babysitting should be a gift rather than a given. It’s up to her dil and ds to arrange the family dynamics to ensure she gets time to be ‘her’ and not the op’s responsibility

No not at all! I’ve been on and off of MN for years from before I was pregnant and there are some posters who get very angry when you say you’re a SAHM so if I ever mention it in response to someone else’s situation then I am prepared for someone to take umbridge. It’s silly really because I support working parents and stay at home parents but to put in a caveat isn’t really me defending stay at home parents.

He is extremely busy. Under pressure and time poor, his wife is lonely.
If DW goes back to work, his job won't get any easier but his home life will be harder, he'll be expected to muck in.
I remember being at home with DD, living far from family, waiting for him to come home help, chat, he'd be exhausted and sleeping early.
It was a very lonely time in my life.
DIL needs to find an outlet, use childcare a couple of days a week.

I remember those days well. My husband working long hours and I was exhausted by the end of the week. Thankfully he was never out all Saturday as well as that would mean just 1 day's help over a fortnight.

I think the problem is their dynamic has your son working 9-5 and your DIL working 24/7. So while I think it's good that she felt she could say something to you I think she would be better placed using that honesty to work out a better balance with her husband.

Also as a parent you are allowed to want some time with your child no matter their age.

You seem very kind and you are clearly beating yourself up over this but I think you don't need to be so hard on yourself

I think the fact you are a MIL is a moot point. The DIL felt aggrieved that her husband left her to another day of solo parenting when she is clearly feeling fed up with this. The DIL needs to have her time away from the baby and so her husband needs to facilitate this in anyway that he can.

I hope the DIL is going to return to work so that there can be some parity returned to their relationship. No one should be doing all the grunt work whilst the other one manages to escape it all.

Yes you’re right, I just said to another poster it’s not really supporting other stay at home parents if I put a caveat in. I support both and I would happily defend being a SAHM, I think I’m just tired of the constant rhetoric about it these days.

I’m glad you are happy, it’s a tough job when they’re young but having that bit of freedom when they’re older must be lovely. And you’ve earned it for sure.

You mean ‘my personal experience of one 6 month old baby tells me they are easy peasy’. My first was ebf, refused bottles, refused food at that age, (obviously I was continuously offering and cleaning up) and also barely slept, including overnight, at 8-9 months they started staying asleep for 4-5h overnight and before that I just never got more than an hour and a half in one lot except weekends when dh would let me sleep in and get a whole 2-4 hour block from 5-8am, so you tell me how hard it was? You don’t know what kind of baby the dil has.

2-4 hours is a typo - Hahaa 2-3 hours was the max, only on the weekends when dh would take him in the morning.

It’s also very similar wording to one from a while ago. The insistence on taking the son out as a reward for good fathering rather than just “catching up with son doing something we both enjoy”

She should be mad at her husband not you Op. you’re not the one in a relationship with her.

that said you can spend time with your son without her being there, it is allowed .

It’s the fact that she spoke up at all to the OP that prompted my comment about having a lot to say.

However, no good deed goes unpunished, as the saying goes.

I hate how work outside of the home is down played as if people are just walking into work and putting their feet up for 12 hours! There are also many jobs where you don't 'clock off' mentally. If the OP's son is working outside of the home and sharing the load when he's around at home, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with him having some time out.

As you DIL has raised it I feel it's more around her DH not being available rather than you treating him.

How hands on is he when he's not in work? Does he put DC to bed? Do bath time? Do mornings? Or is he working so doesn't feel the need to do anything M-F?

How long were you taking him out for? A couple of hours or all day?

It sounds like she was support and maybe he's not giving it.

Absolutely this.

I'm baffled the OP didn't think that through at all.

I agree with the above poster that you are criticising yourself too much (and this is me speaking as a daughter in law). Realistically what day could you have chosen that wouldn't impact on their family life? This would happen whether it's a weekend or a weekday. And I thought you took him out because he was stressed at work and not because he is a good father (but i mightbe wrong there)? I mean it would be great to treat her too, but ultimately he is your child and she has her own parents who could treat her too.

Lots of posters don't appear to have read the OP's last 2 posts.

She morphed into a different person overnight.

Neither person relates to the thread title.

I see my job as a grandmother to support our son and DIL as their own family unit. Our son’s relationship with his wife and their child takes priority over our relationship with him. To us their family unit comes before the bigger family unit. I wouldn’t dream of arranging something that took our son away and left our DIL at home with the children. It would feel exclusionary. I wouldn’t dream have babysat and given son and DIL the tickets.

Yes, we do what's best in our situations, don't want you to feel bad about it at all. Yes I do know what you mean, I'm just showing solidarity 😁

Ah, less freedom - youngest is in a sport which we are abroad for during school term, I am basically my kids PA at this point, weeks are busy filled to brim. No family, partner works back home and can't be here too much due to work not allowing it (plus tax would be in both countries if he overstayed x amount of time) but we manage. So I'm back to solo busy type but it's just life! All my family back in uk too so no help really. They love it here though and I'm blessed my partner also supports my children like this!

It wasn’t about ‘good fathering’ it was about him struggling with things.

People struggle and their mental health is impacted and that doesn’t need to be put into a sliding scale. I do a majority of childcare and a majority of house things and life admin. My DH has a very stressful job and some days he is absolutely broken. We support each other, it shouldn’t be a oneupmanship. If OP sees her son is really down and wants to take him out to cheer him up then she doesn’t have to defend that. She admits she didn’t recognise that DIL was struggling and if DIL has a problem with her husband she needs to sort that out with him. OP already babysits at least once a month. Wanting to spend an afternoon with her son isn’t out of order, it’s a mother wanting to spend some time with her son.

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all! I think if your DIL was upset at being left to look after their child while her husband went out then she should be talking to him about that. Before he accepted your offer he should also have checked with his wife that she was ok not getting a break that day.
I can completely understand that your DIL needs a break - I was a SAHM for years with no family living near by - but you should be able to spend time with your son still, especially given you provide regular babysitting for them too.

Yes I remember the other thread
That Op gave her son a money gift
Working hard, needs a treat

DIL was unhappy it wasn't joint.

Yes you’ve been thoughtless. You decided to give your son a treat but your DIL could just crack on. It’s a bit cringe tbh.
That said she spoke up and you listened so I think it will all work out.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
You've a good honest relationship with DIL.
You got the tail end of the storm.
They are lucky to have you in their life.

Your son is at fault here. He said it was okay. Your dil should have said how she felt to him and they should have sorted it out between them.

People are right that it's sexist. If a man had offered to take your son out, no one would have batted an eyelid.