I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

If it wasn't convenient then it was up to your son to say so imo.

@TheWisePearlRaven
I agree that you were a bit tactless in your given reason for taking your son out all day & leaving your DIL alone on a weekend to solo parent etc BUT your son happily agreed to it & told you it'd be fine & that his wife would look after their daughter. Where's HIS accountability in all of this??

You're right there in our families case. And I expect in many.

Your DIL has been reading too much mumsnet. It’s perfectly fine for you to spend time with your son. She’s completely over the top and I can’t believe the extent to which you’ve grovelled.

Also, as someone who’s done mat leave with a 6 month old and is now sole earner for the family, I can say the latter is much tougher for me. I appreciate everything my husband does for the family and ensure he gets time off too, but being sole provider is incredibly stressful and often overlooked on here.

It is interesting that women are continually expected to be the ones who are constantly mindful of other people's feelings at all times. And that there is such a huge amount of suspicion about motivation and possible subtext of every word and action.

I spend alot of time in some relationships with family and friends basically apologising in advance just in case what I say or do is felt to be "wrong" in some way. I sometimes feel obligated to issue disclaimers and over explain my intent, and it's irritating and wearing for all concerned no doubt. But I've obvious learned to do this due to misunderstandings in the past.

The more I think about it, modern life seems to breed neurosis.

I spend alot of time in some relationships with family and friends basically apologising in advance just in case what I say or do is felt to be "wrong" in some way.

@MistressoftheDarkSide and this is with family and friends? Doesn’t sound like your family and friends make you feel very confident and at ease

Juggling three DILs looking after grandchildren without putting anyone's noses out of joint is impossible. Smoothing ruffled feathers when one feels that you've done more for the other is exhausting. And an impossible juggling act.

omg why can't we have nice things WHERE IS THE LAUGHING EMOJI

😂😂😂

When people on MNs say “hardest job in the world” I always think compared to what?!

I’ve had jobs that were easier and jobs that were much harder. Any job that pays enough to support a family isn’t going to be easy.

In a rush to defend SAHM (which I get) people undermine paid work.

When people on MNs say “hardest job in the world” I always think compared to what?!

I also think “to you maybe, not to everyone”!

My MIL once told me she stresses about putting an equal number of grandchildren photos in the house.
It is not an easy role!

😂😂😂. I do the photo thing too.

That’s harsh. I think that the DIL did the right thing in speaking up, why is it that whenever women speak up they’re accused of having ‘ too much to say for themselves’? OP recognised her sons hard work and ignored her DIL. OP has recognised that and sounds like a good MIL to me. Hopefully they can move forward now everyone has been honest about their feelings, and let’s hope the husband looks after his child so that the DIL and her mother can have a spa day.

Hey @TheWisePearlRaven

I am a SAHM (trying to find a job before anyone jumps on me) who doesn’t have any support from parents or in laws. In my MIL said she was taking my DH out for the day I wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

You’re allowed to take your son out and spend the day with him if that was what you wanted to do. Potentially saying it’s because he is stressed might have been a bit tactless, but you don’t owe anything to anyone. I think it’s lovely that you have your Grandchild once a month for them and I think to demand that you should have taken them is a bit off. I think a lot of people have massive expectations of grandparents these days to be honest.

If you want to help her out a bit more then it sounds like she would really appreciate it, she does sound stressed. But you shouldn’t feel like taking your own child out for something and spending some one on one time with him is a bad thing. It’s up to him, as the child’s father, to facilitate that in return for his wife, not you.

I think it’s also important to say that being a SAHM is a perfectly valid choice, and not a choice in every case.

Some do, some don't. But it's probably a me problem. I just try to avoid conflict as I've experienced things getting out of hand very quickly, and nobody likes to see people unnecessarily upset. If I feel hurt or upset by other people's words or actions, I often let it go because I can make a hundred excuses in my head for it. Or I'll try to have a very reasonable non-confrontational conversation depending on person / situation. Probably attachment issues.....

I mentioned my looking for a job because SAHMs always get jumped on on here. I can’t find any work at the moment, I’m really struggling, but on MN there are never any valid reasons to be a SAHM unfortunately so I preempt potential responses if I say I am.

Yes I think you were thinking of yourself, spending time with your son. If he’s been really busy you either treat the whole family to something nice or babysit so they can go out together, taking him away for another 5 hours or so add to her burden and whilst I’m sure he had a good time, whether he genuinely wanted to go with you or went because you wanted him to is questionable.

Yes, you are BU.
They are a family.
I would be offering to help them as a couple by babysitter and being available for DIL sometime if she wants a break.
Your affection is one sided, it is bound to cause resentment.
Enjoy the odd night with your son too, be available for the 3 of them.

Yes she should care, and she obviously does or she wouldn't have posted here. But caring about her DIL doesn't mean she can't spend time with her son. And it doesn't mean that their issues are hers to fix.

For the millionth time - that’s their choice.
She’s not some oppressed mother from the 1950’s .
She can leave the child with the father and go out herself.

DIL was objecting to Op taking out her son whilst not considering her. That’s unfair as Op does babysit for both of them anyway.

I hope my post wasn’t part of the reason you felt you had to defend yourself. As I said, my other half is currently a SAHD and it’s a role I value deeply and contributes greatly to the family unit.

OP already babysits for them. This was her "odd night out" with her son.

Hold your head high! I've been a SAHM for a decade 😂 shamelessly. A good portion of my circle also are but not all.
My partner not even the father of my children (he passed away when pregnant with my now 8yo) and I solo raised until met my partner - with only help from my parents as kids dads family said it was too painful 🙄

I cook, bake, garden and crochet 😂 happily 😂

Edited to say kids dad's family as I put partner, partners family are lovely!

Il be honest my mil says things like: dear love DH, so busy in work etc etc and it gives me rage as I also work and do majority of household tasks and everything for 3 kids , one with SEN . I would be livid if she invited him somewhere on a Saturday and also feel overlooked However and this is a big however .. I absolutely could not be comfortable to say this to her and she would take it terribly ( I know from experience) so I keep my mouth shut and thankfully my husband always corrects her or steers her towards seeing us as a family unit. So that’s great she obviously felt she could raise it, you’ve taken it on board and just be mindful of how you speak and treat them both going forward - great that you have taken a realistic and balance view of this and not been defensive or made the situation difficult, you sound like a good mum and mil!