I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

This. Why is the burden of working out other peoples' thoughts and emotions always left to women to do? Why wasn't DIL angry with her DH instead of her MIL who didn't know the full story (that DIL was overwhelmed and felt she wasn't getting enough support)? Her parents give her time off every week or two, OP babysits once a month. DIL isn't working. People are commenting as if OP has done something terribly wrong. She hasn't. It was up to her DS to say 'Actually, Mum, I need to be at home with my wife and child at the weekend.'

Women are always blamed for everything, even when they try to do something positive.

When my first child was 6 months I was going for lovely walks, going to coffee shops, babygroups for chats. People I work with talk about maternity leave with a wistful look in their eye. It’s not toilIng down a mine. With one child at 6 months it was amazing frankly.

My MIL is perfectly entitled to spend some “alone time” with her own son. She’s not his affair partner. And no, I don’t think the ire directed at MIL is deserved.

OP I just wanted to say, you sound lovely.
You had good intentions treating your son.
And you've been able to take on board what your DIL said with no hard feelings, and you're planning to help her feel more equal too.

When my MIL visits us, she and my DH just sit and chat and leave me to run around after our toddlers. Doesn't ask about me, I'm just there to facilitate their quality time together. Doesn't offer to babysit. Gives her son significantly more at birthdays and Christmases. She's so proud of his good job and how hard he works, but without me he'd not be able to do the job he does - because I'm here facilitating the childcare for his early starts, late finishes and overnights - and sacrificing my career, earning less working PT because one of us has to.
Same at Christmas. DH always cooks Xmas dinner, and she makes such a fuss of how good he is, slaving over the kitchen etc so that I can run around after the kids enjoy myself. Not recognising that I do all the invisible stuff in the month leading up - buying and wrapping gifts for the whole family, writing cards, planning and booking Christmas activities, sorting the elves out each night, organising the family meet ups both sides, baking mince pies beforehand for dessert, planning and completing the Christmas food shop, I do all the veg prep, and prepping the stockings and gifts to lay on Christmas eve. DH gets all the glory because he does the visible one meal on the day, and it's because he hates having to sit and socialise with the rest of the family!

It sounds like since she spoke to you, you've really thought about it, acknowledged DIL and the fact they come as a package, and appreciate both of them just the same and acknowledged your role in her hurt feelings.

It also speaks volumes that she feels able to talk to you about this. If I said this to my own MIL she'd be livid and then just play the victim by implying I'm awful for bringing it up.

I don't think you actually did anything wrong. I think your DS did.

You said he's been under a lot of pressure at work and he accepted this invitation to go out with you on a Saturday. Your DIL complained to you that your DS going out with you made her life harder.

Reading between the lines, your DS is currently working longer hours than normal (meaning your DIL has more solo parenting than normal) and your DIL probably doesn't know when he's coming home each day (because your DS doesn't know either). He's probably more tired than usual, so the time they do get together isn't just shorter but poorer quality.

I suspect she feels unsupported by your DS.

Has she voiced this to him? Probably not, given he accepted your kind offer to go out on a Saturday. If he knew - and he was a good partner - he would have told you he'd have loved to go out with you but he knew she was having a hard time parenting at the moment so he'd rather do something with her and their child.

There are many reasons why she wouldn't have voiced to him, and why it has instead come out in a grumble to you. Maybe she's too reliant on his income. Maybe she feels insecure about being SAHP. Maybe she does think he's working hard and doesn't want to make him feel devalued, and is instead taking that hit herself.

But the fact you now know how she is feeling is really positive, because you can give your DS a heads up before that nagging resentment on DIL's part turns into a massive wedge that potentially breaks them apart.

You're not wrong to want to treat your DS and spend him with him one to one. But given the age of your grandchild and the pressure that both DIL and your DS are feeling... for now, the kindest and best thing to do is to try to facilitate time for them as a couple, so they can feel strong as a couple, and that helps solidify that family unit for your grandchild.

The baby won't be tiny forever. There will come a point where you can make a kind offer to go out with any combination of DS, DSIL and/or the child without anyone getting frustrated!

You were kind, and I don't think this was about you. Many DILs wouldn't have trusted their MILs enough to give them that insight into their actual feelings. Rather than feel like DIL has tainted your lovely gesture for your DS, I'd see this as a really positive thing to have happened. Not only did your take your DS out for a lovely day, but you can now plan to offer babysitting time more often (when you can) and that you know that's a gift that both your DS and DIL really need and will cherish. If DIL hadn't been in a position to tell you how she was feeling... maybe no one would have ever known until it was too late.

I think it’s sad that a purely innocent action, without any ulterior motive has obviously caused such a lot of hurt feelings. You sound like a very caring mother in law and the fact that you’ve apologized to your DIL and taken her feelings seriously says a lot.

Yep .

I'm torn on this. Between you and her parents they have a babysitter around fortnightly. That's quite a lot. It's a lot more than most couples get. They chose to have a child, the result is less childfree time.

Does she go out to things like playgroups during the day? Being at home all day won't help if she literally is staying in.

I don't think you and your son doing something just the two of you is unreasonable either. I think your framing it as a reward / rest is what's got her back up. Because he's maybe not as great as you think.

Also isn't baseball an event with no time limits? So off you go and who knows when he's home?

I think it's your son that's the issue. Is he not pulling his weight at home? How often does he have the baby so she can go out? Does she only get to go out with him on 'date nights'? Or does she get to see her friends or go out on her own? Supermarket / chores doesn't count.

Does he actually make any effort on the weekends usually- things like housework, plan a day out, cook... and how often is he off doing his own thing at the weekend?

When he's working long hours, does he really need to, or could he put a boundary in and clock off. Is he prioritising work? Or staying longer because he's more bothered what work think of him than his wife.

You talk about his role in the family, what is it beyond providing money? And you say he's an awesome dad but if he only does the fun stuff and leaves her with all the dogsbody work he's not an awesome dad.

You are allowed to spend time with your ds.
Your dil issue is with her dh not you. He should have said mum is taking me out on sat, so you'll be on your own with dd.

Your dil has a dh problem. He took her for granted not you.

I think you've done nothing wrong and she sounds hard work. I wouldn't be apologising to her, he is your son and you wanted to do something nice for him.
Honestly, I'm really not looking forward to becoming a mil!

I have had my ups and downs with a selfish mother in law - but seriously this is batshit. Of course you are able to treat your son and take him places as a treat independently of his wife. Your dil sounds like hard work.

I can guarantee she doesn’t want to spend her free time having lunch with her MIL 😂

Woah. I guess you don’t get it at all despite all your several posts which sounds like you did?
if fil invited dh out for a Sunday game at the moment I’d say are you fucking serious. I assume the kids are all going too? And when I was at home with a baby dh home on the weekend was my only chance to ever have a break so if his mum OR dad wanted to take that away so HE could have a break…. Again are you serious???

I dont think anyone is fundamentally wrong or unreasonable. Apart maybe from your son!

It's perfectly fine that you want to spend time with your son and treat him for an afternoon. But he shouldn't have assumed his wife would do the childcare - yet again! And she isn't unreasonable to speak up.

I don't think it's your job to sort out their childcare situation. Your son should have been more thoughtful, he knows (or should know) the tensions in his relationship.

I'm not sure that you offering to babysit is the solution here it's not your responsibility. Your son needs to support his wife more, and if that involves asking you for help great, but it should come from him.

I was just thinking that father and son hobby time no-one blinks or comments. Mothers on the other hand. Sigh....

But the isn’t the case here. Not only do the in-laws babysit so does MIL. They get a break.

Also, a break from what. One 6 month old baby isn’t that much work.

Op, I hope you read and take into account these later posts saying you have done nothing wrong, and not the huge blame pile on at the beginning.
What a lovely and thoughtful thing to do. No one has any right to expect you to babysit. You did something nice for your son. I’m sure if your DIL’s mum did the same for her and your son complained the way she did, the responses here would be totally different.
Your DIL sounds rude and entitled, frankly.
Don’t apologise further and don’t think you need to make up for this.

This. Everytime.

Hi op,

I remember having a 6 month old baby and my MIL decided to take my husband on holiday for a week.

It nearly resulted in us divorcing to be honest.
I was so utterly tired, stressed and upset.
He worked Monday to Friday and I only really got a break at the weekend. Even just time to hop in the bath for a bit longer, or make proper decent food, knowing our son was safe with his dad. Mon - Fri was tough and I barely saw an adult human in that time. I lived for the weekends.

In my case the holiday was too big. Too invasive on our family. Took my relationship too close to the edge. I blamed my husband for going, but I thought MIL was stupid or selfish for taking him, and whilst eventually my relationship with my husband healed, my relationship with mil did not, I held too much resentment. Twenty years on I don’t bother with her. I see her at Christmas and birthdays. By default (because it always used to be me reminding DH to visit his mum, buy her a gift, send her a message etc) DH hasn’t bothered with her either and I make no effort to remind him to anymore. Last time he saw her was Christmas.

What you did was small scale by comparison, but I agree, taking their only family time and leaving her for yet another day alone with a young baby was probably a massive piss off for her.

I don’t think it’s your job to take her out now though. You don’t have to offer adults rewards. But I think next time offering to babysit, so they can enjoy time together is a much better idea.

Of course you’re also entitled to spend time with your son. I think perhaps just check a suitable time with the pair of them before booking anything, so she has that chance to say ‘I’m knackered, please not this weekend’.

I don’t think it’s a huge deal in the grand scheme. She’d said how she feels and you’ve responded appropriately. I’m sure it will soon be forgotten.

Your DiL is being ridiculous! You are allowed to go out with your DS on your own occasionally.
If you never offered to babysit then it would be different.
Every so often I go out with my DS. No drama and my DiL always understood - he’s my DS and I’m entitled to go out with him alone occasionally.

The thing is, it wasn’t couched in the OP as ‘son and I have always been followers of this sport, it’s our hobby, and it was an important match’

It was couched as a treat for the son because HE works hard, HE is a great Dad , HE deserves a break. Poor love, so I am going to take him out.

That’s a different dynamic for the DIL to be responding to.

Growing up OP, did your son have a father that was very involved and have you time to pursue outside interests and have down time?

That's beyond bad re the holiday. We'd have taken you all.

@TheWisePearlRaven you sound so lovely but please don’t feel bad.

I don’t see why you should have to offer, it’s not your responsibility to be giving anyone a break.

If anything your son can give her a break by telling her to go off out for a few hours and he will look after their daughter.

You just wanted to do something nice for your son by spending time with him, why is that such a crime.

If she’s so desperate for a date night, they can ask you (not demand) or get in a babysitter, it isn’t your headache to deal with everyone’s feelings xx

Well I don't agree that you did anything wrong OP and you have since gone out of your way to apologise for nothing, though given your DIL's reaction, that was a sensible thing to do. Mums are allowed to treat their sons. I do get what your DIL was getting at and think the married couple should have roughly equal child free time, do they? I'm not at all sure your action is the real issue here.

I think if the FIL had said the same thing DIL wouldn’t have contacted him.