I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

This feels like projection to me. I think this is about her not getting a free afternoon and I don’t mean a date with her husband. I mean her mum saying leave baby with DH and let’s go to a spa/sports game whatever that it’s. If they get baby free time 2/3 times a month great but does she get time to be her not just wife/mum

I think you need to gently remind her that you're a grandmother. It's not your child and you're not obliged to provide any childcare never mind be guilt-tripped. What you are definitley not there for is to fill the void of a 'dad' who isn't pulling his weight. If she has grievances with your DS she needs to be telling him not making it your problem. Why can't he watch baby and give her some time off?! Yes if you were constantly taking ds out and away from parenting duties or if you had other grandkids who you are a lot more involved with then she might have a point but otherwise she needs to stop making her kids and her husband your problem tbh.

I say this all as somebody who's in laws barely want to be in the same room as me or my kids but treat their other grandchildren as surrogates btw... it sucks but my dd is ultimately my child. I don't need anyone else to give her a happy life.

I really don't see the problem. You asked dyiur son if he wanted to go see a game. He did, so you got tickets and went to see the game. You really don't have to treat then as a unit every single day. You can ask just your son if it something he enjoys or just DIL. Same with her parents. Your actions showed absolutely nothing about anything and you don't have to apologise and going forward you don't have to do anything differently. You can offer to babysit more if that's what you want.

If she was not fine with him going, that's on your son. Same with the thing about doing chores. That is about their marriage and not something you need to sort. If your son would have rather had a date night he should have declined and asked if you'd be available to babysit instead. Now that you know DIL is exhausted, you can offer to babysit, but it doesn't mean you can never spend time eith your son again.

Speaking from personal experience, it may be that she is not getting the same level of support from her family that you are giving your son.
Also, it sounds like maybe she 's feeling deptessed and unregsrded in her life, as so many mothers do/ have done.
Of course, it 's lovely and right for you to take your son to a match but you also need to perhaps do something to acknowledge your dil's perspective as a woman/ mother.
It definitely sounds like your hesrt is in the right place and you're doing a great job in general.

What came first the chicken or the egg? Maybe DILs react like that to MILs because of that very reason. Demanding lots of time alone with their son after he is married. Even knowing he has his own wife and child that need to come first and they have limited time together. Cutting out the DIL by not inviting her. Only acknowledging the son’s hard work. There is a reason these MIL stereotypes exist and it’s not exactly bc they are all saints. Possessive MILS

I don’t think YABU, if she wants a break she needs to ask. Expecting you to be a mind reader and having a go at you is massively unreasonable. She chose to be a SAHM. Like I said, if she wanted a date day she needs to ask for that. I always ask my parents or PIL.

I still consider my mother and sibling as much my family as my husband and children, it is not a competition.

I don’t demand that my husband is “husband and father first” before her is a son. Because again it’s not a competition.

It can be an excuse for controlling behaviour.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

Treating your son to a day out didn’t leave her with a neutral result, it increased her work by giving her another day as solo parent, and robbed her of a weekend afternoon with her DH who is out at work all week.

Did your son realise what impact it made on her to go out? Did he talk to her about it, or just go?

It is very good that she dealt with her feelings by being open and honest. She let you into her feelings and her situation and kept communication open. Much better than the usual MN reaction and advice which is to call the MIL names, go low contact and / or a. range of petty passive aggressions.

I hope things settle down OP.

She is making heavy weather of it though.

You already babysit once a month and her parents weekly. She's in clover by my standards, it was just the presentation of it.

Hang on, so she is a stay at home mum to 1 child, you babysit once a month and her mum does twice a month….she does not have a hard life. Sorting the house is not a difficult job, dust once a week, clean the bathroom, hoover and then get some in to do the windows. Unless your son is totally checked out of family life and doesn’t do any bedtimes/baths/looking after over the weekends then she just sounds like a brat to be honest

“Another day as a solo parent”. She is not a solo parent, she is a SAHM, her job during his work is to mind baby, his is to make money.

Why do people talk about SAHM so negatively? As another poster said she was sad when her kids went to school. A 6 month old baby is a joy. Yes, work, but also a great joy.

People on MNs talk about SAHP, and SAHM in particular as if they have no agency, as if they are put upon 1950s housewives with the expectation that they bang out children, and have them in bed when the husband comes home from work after the pub, and his dinner on the table.

Most working parents I know go home and help put their kids to bed, do homework etc.

It doesn't sound like in this case it was the fact that the MIL had a day out with her DS.

It was the fact it was badged as a "poor DS, he's been working so much recently it's been so difficult and he deserves a treat for that" day with zero acknowledgement that his working so much means the DIL has been flying solo with the children "so much" and probably deserved a treat too.

It's good that there js a relationship strong enough that the DIL felt able to point out that her contribution to his big job was being totally overlooked.

I think that it is great that you and your DIL can communicate so honestly with each other. I cannot tell you how rare this is.

I would also be pissed off if my DH got taken out by his mum for doing a 'hard job' when I had been looking after a baby all week and hadn't seen my DH.

I think this post nails it. As I said to my DH (and other men) going out and doing a job is so much easier than doing childcare.

@TheWisePearlRaven for the next few years, whilst DC is young, focus on how you can assist the family unit.

I am a self-proclaimed feminist.

this made me smile.

You sound like a lovely MIL, and it’s lovely you have made your DIL feel so comfortable with you that she can share these things. Well done for taking it on board and you can definitely take your son out separately, I feel like it was just the reasons given that were the issue.

Then move from here on in …….. you’ve made your peace……..communicate with one another. Plan outings as a family, offer to babysit so DS and DIL can have a date night, day out etc and you get to spend quality time with DGC. Win Win but you HAVE to communicate

This tbh, having one 6 month old baby was one of the easiest periods of my life, I still look back on it fondly.

Now I work 30 hours a week, husband more, one in school, one in pre-schools. My weekends are kids parties and hobbies, and trying to clean the house.

It’s a struggle after work to get homework, dinner & bedtime done.

We never seem to be on top of anything. And while I’m lucky that my mum minds my son once a week after school and goes us both dinner no one is offering to babysit at night for us. We don’t go out together a night, haven’t really since we had kids. Babysitters cost a bomb.

If my MIL took my husband to a match for his hard work when my son was 6 months, I couldn’t have gone off on one given I spent my weeks drinking tea at baby groups.

You seem so reasonable and like a wonderful grandmother, from your response to your DIL’s concerns.

The mothers unfortunately often to get overlooked and the fathers get extra praise. It leads to resentment. My husband is an NHS doc and even he thinks SAHM have it more stressful.

You didn’t mean any harm and you’re trying to support her and that’s what counts! They’re lucky to have you. But yes, she definitely needs a break more than anyone!

As a DIL I wouldn’t give a toss. Why can’t her parents take her out whilst your son has his child? I don’t see how you’re in the wrong. Baffling.

Well, you've changed your tune.

And her son works which isn’t hard either. Why is his contributions more valuable than hers? MIL also cut into the very limited time this young family has together her son works a lot of hours, yes so his limited time would naturally be spent burturing his bond with his young baby daughter and with his wife. Why would his mother want to interrupt that sacred time together? When a young family has limited time together it’s best to not cut into that and do whole family outings for a while instead of taking your son away from his family causing tension and conflict in his marriage and time away from his wife and daughter. I’m sorry but the alone time has to be put on hold during a time when family time is so sparse and limited and while the child is so young. Once his hours die down and the family unit has more time together or the child is older whichever comes first than a true jest for alone time may be more reasonable but for now it’s best for family harmony to keep outings to the family unit

"My son is a married father and I have trouble letting go sometimes..." Might this be part of the issue? Could there have been instances of not letting go that have rattled DIL?

Having said that, the OP genuinely sounds like an absolute joy compared to my last (unmarried) partner's mum, who couldn't get enough of her live-in son's time, and thought nothing of trotting out the "I might be dead this time next year" line when it suited her... 🙄

She doesnt think your son is pulling his weight. She's a sahm but that doesn't mean he can just work and do nothing else. My dh wanted to be with ours as soon as he stepped though the door. What is he like once home?

That being said you are not responsible for they way they have set up their family and if it isn't working for them then they need to make changes. You already babysit as does the other grandparent so how much time away from a young child do they actually need? It shouldn't fall back on you! There also isn't anything wrong with you spending time with your child one on one since you felt he was stressed.

If your dil is unhappy with your sons input she needs to address that with him and that wouldn't have happened at a baseball game anyway. It's easy to focus on this one thing and blame you and say she feels underappreciated but it's her dh she needs to address it to. You don't have to be grateful she is looking after her own child! We all do it and some of us have done it without any other family support.

Your dil sounds entitled and too much like hard work. Ultimately your son loves this woman and comes around to her way of thinking so you just need to learn to tread carefully. It isn't just her that gets to speak up though. I'd have told her outright that their family set up was for them to figure out and you wanted to spend time with your son so did.

I can see the DILs point, my MIL took my wife out for dinner and a show last week.

Naturally I said it was fine and waited till they'd had their night out to text MIL and tell her I felt she was disrespectful and take all the goodness out of her gesture once it was too late for her to do anything about it

If my MIL had treated my husband for working hard/contributing to the family it wouldn't have seemed that she thought my contribution was therefore less.

Just that she was acknowledging her son at that time.

If she was regularly babysitting for us both I was obviously also being acknowledged!