I felt like I got shut down in a weird way by my DIL

[TheWisePearlRaven]

I'm wondering if I dropped the ball with my DIL. I took my son to a baseball game recently because he’s been under a lot of pressure with work and he’s an awesome dad and I wanted to give him a bit of a break and my DIL felt like I should've offered to watch the baby so they could've gone on a date. She mentioned feeling like she's always solo-parenting and I didn't help them out as a couple. She said she felt she supports my son by raising my granddaughter saving the family money and giving my son piece of mind that she is in good hands with her mother and it’s not easy work doing this 24/7 as my son gets to leave his job but a SAHM never gets to “clock out” not to mention she handles all of the household tasks of the daily running of the household another less thing my son has to worry about it and she felt I overlooked that and only saw my son’s contributions to the family.

Now she's asked me to watch the baby next week for some me-time. Should I have thought of that date-day opportunity for them? How can I better support them both? I feel awful that my DIL feels I was just supporting my son while overlooking her as that wasn’t my intention at all. I guess as the grandmother I should be looking at it through the lens of supporting the family unit as a whole and not just focus in on supporting my son. I’m glad my DIL felt comfortable enough with me to express her hurt feelings and concern rather than harboring resentment towards me.

However AIBU to be a bit annoyed deep down that a kind gesture I did towards my son individually was basically shut down?

Again I think there is a disconnect because you wouldn’t bring the gender of the parent up if there wasn’t. If the issue is about the son being recognized for his parenting efforts and not the DIL what difference would it make if it was the mother or the father recognizing the son and not the DIL. What you’re saying makes no sense bc if that’s what the DIL is upset about why would she only care about her MIL not recognizing her and not her FIL your logic doesn’t make any sense. I think you’re reading something different to what I’m saying?

Agree, I find this framing of it really odd. I like to think I could occasionally spend time with my children when they have families without having to continually consider its impact on their spouse/children - that's largely their job. And certainly without this wierd rewarding them for their role in the family ickiness. All sounds like people are taking themselves far too seriously.

I don't think you did anything wrong with wanting to spend time with your son. Can you spend some time taking your daughter in law out?

I think if the FIL has done the same thing there wouldn’t be a thread on MN about it.

You used language “date” and “role of the wife” to describe the MIL’ actions, you wouldn’t use “date” about FIL.

I think it's also wrong if the FIL/male friends would do it and sounds very patriarchal.

Gosh I never felt like that giving birth. Being pregnant and having babies was a rite of passage, used my body how it was designed to be used and was an absolute privilege.

When our first was six months, I'd spent six months at home, playing with the baby, going for coffees and park walks whilst DH did a demanding job, didn't have the privilege of spending all of his time with the baby, and we certainly didn't get babysitting three times a month like the op. At the six month stage DH was far more tired than me because if the baby disturbed our sleep (frequent) he still had to go to work and be on top form.

So a woman on here a few days ago was annoyed that her MIL wanted to take her son out for his birthday just the two of hem and was told she was wrong.

Now a mother in law asks the very same question and is told she is wrong.

Could there be a clearer indication of the first rule of misogyny?

It doesn't matter what you do. If you are a woman, you will always be wrong. On Mumsnet there will always be basement dwelling teenage boys and young men waiting to put the boot in.

It's absolutely fine for a mum to have a meal with just her son. If this was a dad asking about taking his son out, the daughter in law would be called entitled for wanting to join in. If this was a mum wanting alone time with just her daughter the responses would be very different too.

Can you imagine if a mum and daughter wanted a pamper day or a shopping day and the son in law insisted he go in the mum's place?

Mums of sons are still allowed to have a parent child bond. The expectation that dils are their competitors and should be able to put them out for their own ends is simply yet more misogyny.

Few things:

• You should be able to take your son out whenever you like. It’s nothing to do with your DIL. Your son’s entitled to a relationship with his mum, just as your DIL’s entitled to one with hers. If her mum offered to take her out for a treat, surely your son wouldn’t be hurt if he’s not invited. If he was, that would seem controlling.

• As a grandmother, you can also offer to care for your GC, either so your DIL can have some leave from her demanding full-time job (childcare) in the week, when your son is at work, or during evenings and weekends, so they can go on a date together. But don’t let that stop you having quality one-on-one time with your son occasionally.

• Why does your son do no housework? If his DD is pre-school, looking after her is a demanding, full-time job. If she were in day care or they had a nanny, they’d be paid as professionals purely to be looking after her. If your DS didn’t have kids and lived alone, or with your DP, and she worked outside their home full-time, he should expect to share the housework 50/50. I suggest you encourage him to do his fair share. He should also look after his DD one day at a weekend to give your DIL one day off a week. Then, he has the other day off. He shouldn’t expect her to spend 7 days a week looking after their DD without a break.

I think that this is a reverse and the OP is the DIL.

You should be able to go out with your son without having to treat his partner too, you babysit once a month for them so she should be grateful to you for doing that. I don't think you should see it as you are treating him for his role within his family unit but you can treat him as he is your son. Like a previous poster said, your DIL is being bratty and I totally agree. Just thinking of it the other way round, would I treat my daughter's partner just because I have treated her? Absolutely no way, she is my daughter and I will do nice things with her and her alone for as long as she wants to.

I would be really annoyed with your DIL as the bottom line is she is upset you've spent time with your son and he with his mother. I bet she would be upset if your son came to you with your grandchild and you went out for the day too even though it would be giving her the break she says she needs.

Actually I disagree if anything it would be even worse that a group of men were saying yeahhh we need a guys night out away from the ball and chain type of sexist shit that often takes place at three guys nights. Or men who have not the slightest clue what women go through making judgments on needing a break from them so yes I think there would be an issue of, “how dare these men say they need a break from us they have no idea what SAHMS go through

But the adult child has a six month old baby whom they need to care for at the weekend. It’s the wrong time for a day out.

Hi @TheWisePearlRaven sometimes the kind things we do land wrongly. Your DIL isn't wrong or weird calling you out. I think she en pointe speaking up. Stop beating yourself up and if you can support them both. It sounds like a nice trip to a cafe with your DIL and granddaughter wouldnt go amiss to apologise.

BTW your DS sounds like he doesn't help at home much, you might want to have a word with him. Being a SAHP is tough, it is relentless until the kids go to school.

If this was the only time you did anything for them you'd be unreasonable - but you do babysit so they can can both get a break so she sounds a bit entitled. Her mum can take her out and leave your son to babysit.

Does sound like he doesnt really pull his weight, though and you should be encouraging him to do more.

I think this is the crux of it. Pop in for a cuppa or phone mil on the way home but don't take big chunks away from weekend, leaving one parent alone with the baby while both parents are finding their feet.

Given that life can change tragically on a dime, being fixated on "the wrong time" for anything risks guilt and regret for things left undone and unsaid down the line in all relationships. Ask me how I know.

You babysit once a month, of course you should be able to have a day out with your son. It would never have occurred to me to complain about my dh having the odd outing with his father when our children were young.

Not to babysit - to look after his own child! It isn’t described as babysitting when the mother is caring for her baby.

Thanks. I also think there’s a lot of repetition / repetitive phrasing in the OP’s responses, indicative of use of AI.

Meanwhile the thread rip-roars along at lightening speed.

This reads like two different people and the thread title is strange.

Those were her words though, “giving him a break for working hard.” So she framed it as treating him for those reasons. And yes it’s shitty to only acknowledge one half of the parenting team. Like it or not he is a husband and father first and foremost before he is a son. Once you marry your spouse and any kids you have become your immediate family. And you are missing the fact that she is home alone for the majority of the days 5 days a week with the baby and out of the two days they have together as their own little immediate family unit and the day they have support with the father of the child he is taking off for a treat with his mother for working hard when she has been working hard all week as well raising our child yeah I would be pissed. But the husband here sucks more than the MIL of putting his mother ahead of his wife and child. Instead of saying, “mom what you are asking of me cuts into my very very little family time I have with my wife and child my wife is home alone with our baby 5 days a week and these are the two days we have together as a family unit and I don’t want to leave my wife yet again I would love to see you but why don’t we all head tk the game together?” And it is shitty of MIL to put her son and DIL in this position knowing her DIL’s schedule it’s just not a cool MIL move. You don’t ask for alone time during the VERY VERY limited time your son has with his primary family which is fostering a bond with his very young daughter and nurturing his relationship with his wife which comes first and foremost. Knowing her son and DIL and GC have limited time together for the time being it is crappy to request he leaves them at home to cut into their time together to give them time alone. I think these hangouts needs to be within the context of the family unit all together not forever but for the time being either when his hours at work die down so they get more feee time together as a core family unit or his daughter is a bit older and more independent. It’s perfectly natural for one on one time to lessen when you are a young married couple in the throes of parenthood. And that family will have to take priority for now.

also why is DIL being upset ok if the reason is needing a break from parenting but not if the reason is due to her being hurt that her MIL only recognized her son’s efforts and didn’t recognize her DIL. It’s her feelings either way they are valid or should be. Maybe she is hurt her MIL took their limited family time together

But that not what was said, if the FIL said exactly what the MIL said I very much doubt there would be a thread about it.

You wrote further up “What wife wants to be placed second behind a man’s mother??” That plus language about “dating” his mother, the MIL “swooping in” and “role of the wife”. People do not speak like that about FILs. In fact the actions or non actions of FIL don’t get much airtime compared to MiL who are subject to a particular kind of ire - the “can’t let go”, “apron strings” mentality.

I think it's good that you have the kind of relationship with her that she could voice her feelings and you can acknowledge them.

MIL and I have the kind of relationship where either of us could say "btw, not making an issue, but that felt rude/unfair" or similar and it works so well.

It means there is never any simmering annoyances that build up into something big.

Ooh, plot twist!

Absolutely 👍