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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset that a woman is sending DH these messages?

85 replies

Simonesaid1 · 07/06/2025 23:00

Last week while we were spending the evening watching TV my dh got a text message from a colleague with that has concerned me and I can’t stop thinking about it.
They work together, have done for 2 years and finished a joint project presentation last Tuesday. That evening she messaged to tell him it’s so fantastic working with him, she couldn’t imagine coming into the office every day if it wasn’t for him being there too, making her laugh and how he makes her day. She said how much loves their chats and values and appreciates him.
i asked him but he played it down but did look a bit uncomfortable. I doubt a male colleague would message him the same thing?
AIBU to feel concerned about this woman’s feelings about my dh and that this is maybe the start of something more than just colleagues/friends?
There’s a work social next weekend that we’re going to so I will meet her. Already feeling uncomfortable about seeing this woman.

OP posts:
juststrutting · 07/06/2025 23:01

Spider senses are there for a reason.

HatsOffToThePigeons · 07/06/2025 23:03

It's a bit... OTT of her, isn't it. I've had people at work I've loved working with, would never send a dodgy message like that.

MascaraGirl · 07/06/2025 23:04

It’s never Trevor in Accounts who sends this sort of message, is it?!

Blessthismess2 · 07/06/2025 23:05

YANBU. Definitely sounds inappropriate / a bit much. I really like my colleagues. I would never text them something like this outside work hours.

Ohmeohmyohdear · 07/06/2025 23:27

Totally inappropriate.
Why is she even messaging your H outside working hours?
You should be having a serious talk with him about his boundaries with this woman.

JustGiveMeWineNow · 07/06/2025 23:30

Currently sitting waiting to collect my husband and his work wife from a night out. She would never send a message like that to my husband. It gave me the ick reading that. I would be watching that and your husband needs to know that is weird.

ThisOchreScroller · 07/06/2025 23:32

She's telling him she's thinking about him over the weekend. So many red flags she could hold parade BUT the fact you've been allowed to see it (no hiding his phone) and he looks uncomfortable means I'm 50/50 on whether he's reciprocated.

GlutesthatSalute · 07/06/2025 23:38

Ohmeohmyohdear · 07/06/2025 23:27

Totally inappropriate.
Why is she even messaging your H outside working hours?
You should be having a serious talk with him about his boundaries with this woman.

Edited

Yes because when it all goes south and if she realises he doesn't reciprocate, that's when accusations can be levelled. She sounds obsessive and unhinged.

Lavender14 · 07/06/2025 23:43

GlutesthatSalute · 07/06/2025 23:38

Yes because when it all goes south and if she realises he doesn't reciprocate, that's when accusations can be levelled. She sounds obsessive and unhinged.

This, if he doesn't shut this down immediately and in the right way then hes leaving himself open to major issues with her down the line and potentially jeopardising your trust in him at the same time so he's either an idiot, or he's enjoying the attention and wants to enjoy it further.

I'm a manager and I make a point of commending my all male team on their good work but I'm specific about it and tend to keep it brief or it's done in front of the team in the workplace. What she's done seems an over step of that and I'd say is crossing the line into unprofessional.

I'd watch his reaction to this and to her at the workplace do you're attending. I'd kill her with kindness at it and watch her response.

Simonesaid1 · 08/06/2025 06:43

They message often out of usual working hours I think and he’s told me they’re mates. Well past the colleague point now.

OP posts:
ExcitingRicotta · 08/06/2025 06:50

Going against the grain here - wait until you’ve met her before you decide. She might be the sort of woman that is gushing and OTT with everyone.
The important thing here is that your husband is open and honest with you about this friendship (and that you trust him??). If I were you I wouldn’t overreact to this and risk making him feel like he has to hide their friendship from you which would be much worse.
I would go in to the event expecting someone who is so keen on my husband to want to get to know me as well and hopefully that’s what you’ll find. If not, then maybe you have a conversation about her.

Profpudding · 08/06/2025 06:52

Simonesaid1 · 08/06/2025 06:43

They message often out of usual working hours I think and he’s told me they’re mates. Well past the colleague point now.

Are they indeed.

Well, you can get the measure of her when you meet her

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 08/06/2025 06:55

Let her know you know about the message when you chat to her so she knows things are shared between you and your husband. “He showed me your lovely message” type of thing.

Whenim63 · 08/06/2025 06:57

Does she know he is married? I cannot ever imagine sending that sort of message to a work colleague and absolutely definitely not to one who is married?
And are you British? Is she? Because other cultures, particularly in my experience, Americans, can sometimes be OTT with words and praise in a way the British often are not, without it meaning anything.
Perhaps it is just randomly out of the blue, but it suggests that this level of “gushing” is normal between them?
Watch and see at the social event. You know him, you will know if something is going on.

arcticpandas · 08/06/2025 07:01

It would def bother me and I'm not jealous. My DH has longtime female friends that he meet up with, always asks me if I want to come and I decline. But this is something else. Sending this kind of message in the evening is close to saying "I want more than just a work relationship". The fact that he looks uncomfortable is very telling. I would keep a close eye on this and study their body language at the social.

ButterCrackers · 08/06/2025 07:07

Your dh needs to report this message to his manager in case there is ever an accusation of inappropriate behaviour. If he’s the boss then he can tell her to stop these messages. At the social event stay strong when you meet her. I’d say that your dh showed you the message because he couldn’t stop laughing when he read it. You both thought it hilarious. The boss thought it over the top as well.

Renabrook · 08/06/2025 07:10

Well she can send all her weird stalker's messages she likes he is the one you are in a relationship with him so, so if you have an issue deal with him

Daffodilsarefading · 08/06/2025 07:16

Completely inappropriate.
I am very good friends with a couple of my work colleagues. We socialise outside of work- a lot. I don’t ever send messages like this and neither do they.
She is overstepping the mark. Remember lots of affairs start due to close proximity. This needs shutting down immediately. Your dh may not be romantically involved with this woman- yet, but make no mistake, this is how many affairs begin.

dudsville · 08/06/2025 07:20

Has that text put a wedge between you? If so, that's what I would worry about. Communication between you and your dh is paramount. I sympathise with the discomfort you feel about meeting her, but if the two of you are solid and strong then you can get in there and show that.

Tangerinenets · 08/06/2025 07:21

Completely inappropriate. I’d make sure to meet her at the social, introduce yourself and tell her thank you for her kind messages to your husband so she’s aware you know!

CharityShopMensGlasses · 08/06/2025 07:29

Please still go to the work thing. You can judge then on whether you feel it's right to have a little comment at some point. I wouldn't thank her for the message. Id probably gently set a boundary but Really it needs to come from him. It's good that he showed you. It was very full on.

Agix · 08/06/2025 07:33

YANBU but do leave room for it being entirely innocent. She could have just been feeling elated about how well her job was going, in a good mood, and wanted to express genuine appreciation for your husband. It may not have meant any more than exactly what was said.

Not everyone has wonderful social skills, or understand what others may read between the lines of what they say, or understand when a message of appreciation is inappropriate.

This sounds like the kind of mistake I'd make, if I allowed myself to message/communicate with people (which I do not, for this reason). I say what I mean and never intend for anything to be read "in between my lines", so have realised I often put my foot in it when people derive meaning from my words/messages that isn't there. I have made people uncomfortable in the past, just trying to be kind. People make shit up from my POV... But then I remember, that many people do have ulterior motives behind their words and do intend there to be meaning inbetween the lines, and so people assume I'm the same. Then it makes sense.

Just leave room for her being like me and not intending anything by it other than what was said, rather than like you.

If your husband is uncomfortable though, he should tell her or HR, so HR can tell her. If it was just an innocent expression of appreciation, she might not realise it makes others uncomfortable.

She could also be a homewrecking cow of course. Just wanted to give a different perspective, just to remind that all sorts of people exist and not everything is a drama.

coachortrain · 08/06/2025 07:36

I would ask him how he would square that away with HR should he ever have all their messages between them scrutinised.

At my friend's work they have a slack channel called Praise where you can name a person and say why you want to praise them. Everyone on the team can see it. It isn't secretively sent.

She is fishing, she wants your Dh to message her back with the same sentiment. He is walking a very, very fine line. I am going to paraphrase a mental health expert I watch. US stats states 85% of affairs start at work. Why? Because work is where you build stuff together, you have a shared purpose, a shared goal ie a project and a release date. You are probably laughing with your colleagues, telling jokes because you are working with people with different personalities whereas home might be more mundane with children and schedules and less quality time with your partner/husband.

So I would tell him to tread carefully.

AgathaX · 08/06/2025 07:52

Did he reply to this message? Have you seen previous messages, and are there messages with a similar tone?

His reactions and replies are the important things. Is he enjoying the attention, lapping it up, or cringing at her being so OTT?

Fitasafiddle1 · 08/06/2025 08:09

What was his reply?

I am an over enthusiastic complimentary type of person with everyone and even I wouldn’t send that. It is too much to someone else’s husband and a work colleague.

How did he reply?

I would be checking his phone and lap tops, this wouldn’t sit well with me. I would be looking at the locked chat and archive area of WhatsApp. If he has nothing to hide he won’t care will he. I would also be telling him to nip this friendship in the bud, now. It’s inappropriate.

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