To be upset that a woman is sending DH these messages?

[Simonesaid1]

Last week while we were spending the evening watching TV my dh got a text message from a colleague with that has concerned me and I can’t stop thinking about it.
They work together, have done for 2 years and finished a joint project presentation last Tuesday. That evening she messaged to tell him it’s so fantastic working with him, she couldn’t imagine coming into the office every day if it wasn’t for him being there too, making her laugh and how he makes her day. She said how much loves their chats and values and appreciates him.
i asked him but he played it down but did look a bit uncomfortable. I doubt a male colleague would message him the same thing?
AIBU to feel concerned about this woman’s feelings about my dh and that this is maybe the start of something more than just colleagues/friends?
There’s a work social next weekend that we’re going to so I will meet her. Already feeling uncomfortable about seeing this woman.

He needs to decide. Where do his priorities lie? Protecting his marriage and your peace of mind or his friendship with a work colleague.

I’d tell him straight that this kind of friendship is putting his marriage in jeopardy and that he needs to put things on a more professional level.

I have some close male friends from work and I would never dream of sending a message like this to any of them. Because I respect them and their relationships too much.

Ask him
how he would feel if you got a message like this from a colleague.

@Simonesaid1, your unsettled feelings are entirely reasonable. This woman crossed a line by reaching out to your H at night with her charged effusive message. I agree with @coachortrain that she was fishing and hoping to elicit a similar response and mutual validation from him. It sounds like a crush.

It’s concerning that they frequently message outside of work, and that includes her gushing during evening hours, which feels intimate. She is telling him that he’s on her mind at that time, and she clearly felt confident that he would welcome her feelings.

She has shown her hand and it mustn’t be minimized. I would reiterate my concerns and request that he set stronger boundaries and establish more distance. It’s nice to feel flattered, but continuing this level of contact with her is playing with fire, both personally and professionally. He has too much to lose.

@Simonesaid1 So to me if they were at work together anyway earlier she would already have told him at end of the presentation how she felt it went and they’re a good team etc. Butbthebfavt she feels the need to message him again out of work, tells me she’s been thinking non stop about him and this is a ‘safe’ way for her to test the waters as it were and see what he says back. I would say she’s fishing for compliments back and the green light to edge slowly towards something much more than just ‘mates’. Certain types of people love the ego boost of being told they’re marvellous and combined with ‘grass may be greener’ mentality in times of stress with their partner will start confiding in these types of mates who are often just playing the long game to snare someone else’s man!

Does he have mentionitis when it comes to this colleague?

I can’t imagine sending this message to ANYONE, let alone a male colleague at work.

Oh yes, I'd bring that up straightaway. In fact, on the way there I would mention to dh I was going to. And no matter what he said, do it anyway. His reaction would tell all anyway.

How did you get to see the texts? Does dh show you his phone every time a message comes in? This sounds like a fundamental lack of trust.

Yes the mess sound a bit much. It’s a great thing that you’ll
meet her at the event though. The colleague won’t be in any doubt that he’s not single and you might find she’ll bring her partner and is not single either.

Thats a wet knicker text. Gushing over him like a teenager writing to a boy and singer!

He should not reply to her.

*messages

I wouldn't like it either.

She is married too with dc like us. I don’t think it would be a matter for HR as they are at the same level and it’s out of work etc. I think if I said this he’d hit the roof and be on her side anyway. He is usually quite protective of his phone and I only got to hear the message because I was right there and there wasn’t much else he could do. Perhaps next week will tell me more at the social. Wonder if hubby will be there too and genuinely what he would feel about it all.

Paranoia?

Yikes, that’s well out of order. This needs nipping in the bud before it becomes something else. Totally inappropriate behaviour. Wonder if her husband knows/what he thinks.. Suss her out at the social event, and hopefully the husband is there too. Either way you need a serious talk with your husband about knocking this on the head right now. If he doesn’t see that, he is part of the problem (if he isn’t already..)

At the social I would casually drop into conversation with her and her DH how
'it would be so much better for family time if communications from work colleagues stayed in appropriate work time so they didn't interfere with the family dynamic, don't you agree?'

I worked with someone once who I really enjoyed working with, we got on so well, he made me laugh all the time, occasionally socialised outside work but I would never, ever have contacted him outside of work to tell him that, particularly as he was married, I think that is massively inappropriate.

What are his responses to these messages, OP? Either way he’s at the very least allowing this type of communication so it doesn’t look good. I suspect he’s actively encouraging it too.

There have been a few very similar threads lately. If you have a look op you will get extra feedback.

In short, his workmate Brian wouldn’t be texting that now would he.

Wouldn't bother me.

I've had similar messages from male married colleagues and I didn't assume they wanted an affair.

Or be inclined to have one even if it did.

Potentially more your problem, my hubby has 2 mild autistic colleagues/mates he's worked with for years they are very gushy and I couldn't care less, I know it means nothing and it's the way they speak all lovey dovey and he never replies back in the same vein just matey back. Not everyone all lovey dovey is actually that way you know as in want your hubby in bed lol

If you’re getting the opportunity to meet her make sure you get a moment to quietly tell her you have seen the messages and that you want them to stop, that there’s no need for her to message dh out of work hours and she needs to take a huge step back and remain professional. Be calm, firm and direct. Of course I’d also be having a serious conversation with dh too as he won’t be entirely innocent in all this. Basically don’t be a doormat . If there’s something going on you can’t stop it but you can make your position clear and your zero tolerance threshold for bullshit well communicated.

She's probably one of them that is just over the top with everything and everyone.
I've meet a few like this.
So best see her first before you jump from the puddle to the river.
I have a neighbour like her soooo over the bloody top no need for it but its just how she is.
You could wear a bin bag and she will be all over it.
Its great wow amazing it really brings you colour out bla bla bla.
Or just walk to the mail box omg your full of energy i love seeing you it makes my day.
Shes like this with everyone.
God if she sees a child skip jump hop etc it worse really loud thats amazing your the best ive ever seen you deserve a reward.
Your so clever bla bla bla.
Lovely lady but way way waaaayyyyy over the top.

Edited to add my eldest son is the same.
Walk out my room and he'll say mae go back in and come back out.
Do as he said and get omg you look amazing are you going to the red carpet avent no love im doing the washing.

I’m a gay woman and I might send a message like that to a male or female colleague at the end of a project if it had been tough gig. Working with someone who makes life easier when you are ploughing through shit should be recognised and appreciated. However any other message I sent would be much more neutral.

I do take your point but the project really was no big deal at all - very routine. Could understand it a bit more if it had been.. it was more of a general thing about how she sees him. How she feels about him. That’s what upsetting me.

His response to the message was ‘ah bless you, thank you!’

Oh God don't do this.

At best OP would look controlling, at worst, demented and possibly abusive.