To be upset that a woman is sending DH these messages?

[Simonesaid1]

Last week while we were spending the evening watching TV my dh got a text message from a colleague with that has concerned me and I can’t stop thinking about it.
They work together, have done for 2 years and finished a joint project presentation last Tuesday. That evening she messaged to tell him it’s so fantastic working with him, she couldn’t imagine coming into the office every day if it wasn’t for him being there too, making her laugh and how he makes her day. She said how much loves their chats and values and appreciates him.
i asked him but he played it down but did look a bit uncomfortable. I doubt a male colleague would message him the same thing?
AIBU to feel concerned about this woman’s feelings about my dh and that this is maybe the start of something more than just colleagues/friends?
There’s a work social next weekend that we’re going to so I will meet her. Already feeling uncomfortable about seeing this woman.

I kind of agree op that there is a difference between “was great working with you” and “ don’t know how I’d get through the days at work without you” etc.

Its all very “ you are my sine qua non, my without which nothing, my raison d’etre” ( <<sings: 🎤 Yoooou, you light 💡 up my life …”).
There’s appreciative messages then there’s gush.

That would come across as nannying DH or even controlling his interactions. He has to deal with it himself. Whether or not he does, and how he does it will be instructive. I wouldn't show my hand to this woman, or appear to undermine DH.

I think meet her but tell your husband it has to stop. If he texting back he is as bad. There should be better boundaries with this.

I can 100% see myself writing this message for one of my female colleagues - we work in a very distressing role and literally get each other through it. Did the message come with a work meme?
however if I ever message a male who I work with (not that I have much reason to) I would put something like “mate / bud” on the end to firmly place it on the platonic register. would never send a x and would keep work related

i don’t think this message has come
from nowhere - she must think it’s appropriate

I guess you will get a better feel for things after the social op.

I think it’s very concerning that you think he would take her side. His priority should be your feelings.

There really isn’t anything you can actually do. It’s all fine and well saying to this or do that, but at the end of the day you either have had the luck to marry a decent person or the bad luck to marry someone inclined to stray. It’s impossible to be sure which you have, unless for some unfathomable reason you chase married men in which case it’s just a case of water finding its own level.

She can’t take him away from you unless he’s willing to be taken, so don’t focus your ire on her.

Go along to the work thing and see how the body language looks. Think about getting your ducks in a row.

No, his priority should not be her feelings.

That's how paranoid, controlling and abusive partners work.

Feelings aren't facts. OP needs to deal with her feelings and paranoia, not expecting her DP or God forbid, the woman who texted him, to do what she wants because she's irrationally upset and paranoid.

I would be more relaxed after his response .
However her messages were not only inappropriate but very weird so if I were your DH I would try to put boundaries in place asap as she sounded a bit unhinged. Does he want a lot of drama on the workplace? I guess not.

At the get together put on your best public persona, smile alot and hold your head high, when the opportunity arises say to her "The message you sent to my husband was so cute I don't know why he rolls his eyes everytime you message."
That will tell her that you see her messages and they are not appreciated (all be it by you!)😂

Oh god don't take any of the advice on here about what to say to her. You'll sound ridiculous.

It’s a bit much isn’t it?
‘It was great to work on the project with you’ would have been more than enough.

I agree with this.

Just because the woman from work sent this doesn't mean your dh encouraged it, she may just be trying her luck. I think it's a good sign you've seen it. But I would certainly be having a chat with dh that this has made you feel uncomfortable as people don't send messages like that without wanting something else.

I would definitely be keeping an eye her at the social and would definitely have few choice words ready for any cheekiness from her.

I have a boss (male) who I really like, enjoy chatting with and we have a great working relationship and would probably stay in touch if either of us left. We’ve worked together nearly 6 years.

I’d never send him a message like that - it’s massively inappropriate.

Our message threads are unambiguous, impersonal and if his wife read them she’d think I was a very boring woman.

A message like that is trying to create closeness and intimacy and draw a similar admission of closeness and affection from him.

He needs to put a stop to it

I’d reply ‘As long as you remember he’s married’ - his wife or something like that so she knows the deal

In that case, I don’t think you have anything to worry about from him but I still think she should back off.

Why text at all when they work together?!

The next day at work the normal thing to say would be along the lines of ‘I’m glad we work well together ‘ and then leave it at that.

She is definitely prodding him with a stick to see if he will react to her ‘charms.’

But they go for nights out?

If she persists with the flattering texts he needs to reply with, ‘Can you tell me this at work Doris, as outside of work I don’t want to think about any work related stuff as wife and I like to enjoy our leisure time without being interrupted.’

Yea so he is encouraging it and seems completely happy with the tone of them. Just as I thought.

Agree with pp that your issue is definitely with your husband moreso than with her then. While yes she may see her as being disrespectful , your husband is the one who is in a relationship with you.

And while you can’t really control/manage her behaviour, he should be able to.

He’s not going to though because he’s encouraging it clearly. It’s clearly a two way street.

But yes ideally he should shut it down. Should’ve shut it down from the start.

I think I would say 'very nice to meet you at last good to put a face to the person sending ×× all these messages in the evening.' I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

Yes they do. Her husband left them to an event and I collected them. She is a lovely person. I trust my husband 💯. But she would not be inappropriate like that. It was something that I would rather stick pins in myself than go to. I was invited but I didn’t want to go.

Really interesting to read this described as "inappropriate", "unhinged" and "weird". It would be a normal message at the charity I work for. People make a point of showing appreciation and letting colleagues know they're valued. It's also normal for us to text outside of work at the charity and at my other job. My husband also speaks to his colleagues outside of work 💁

That doesn't sound encouraging. It's pretty neutral.

In telly surprised at so many people saying don't say anything!!
I'd definitely say something or do something even a very small gesture.
Even if it was, oh your Suze!!
Good to put a name to a message my husband showed me your last message about how appreciative you are, your very lucky I sent feel that way about my work colleagues

^ not well written but I'd definitely let her know I know and how and that he showed it