Annoyed with inlaws drinking

[DaisiesAndDonuts]

I'll try keep this short ...

My in-laws aren't your typical grandparents. They're fairly young as they had their children when they were very young. So now in their mid 60s and still enjoy partying, concerts and clubbing etc. absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact we are happy they are still enjoying life to the full!
Before kids we would be joining them alot of the time!
Since having children we rarely see them because they are spending their weekends in the pub with their friends. Again nothing wrong with that, it's up to them.
Here is our issue... When we do see them, it always involves drinking. We have 3 young children 8,5 and 1. Our 5yr old is disabled as well so we rarely drink around our children because we have to be alert and vigilant and also at least one of us sober incase we need to do a trip to a&e(disabled child has seizures).
I also don't like our children being exposed to drunk people. I don't mind a couple of drinks but it's in excess with them. I have to admit, I grew up with an alcoholic father and have bad memories as a child seeing my dad drunk and it was so scary so that is probably why I dislike alcohol around my kids.
But they make us feel like we are in the wrong and like we are freaks if we don't drink. We do drink when we get the very rare night off but for reasons I've said we don't usually drink around the kids.
It's all the time. If we invite them round for lunch they'll bring a pack of beers and drink them all. At the kids birthday parties they will turn up with a bottle of gin or jack Daniels, even if no one else is drinking. I mean it's a 1yr olds birthday party for 2 hours... Tea and cake. Why the need to drink?. Even our 8yr old's party with his school friends and other parents they wanted to drink! We had to tell them on that occasion it was strictly no alcohol which didn't go down well.(Oh one little drink won't hurt!)They don't just have a couple, they get ridiculously drunk and it's embarrassing.
NYE a few years ago MIL got so drunk she was throwing up around my children and nieces and nephews.
They never want to do anything with the children either. They will ask my husband out to the pub but never want to do things like a family walk or trip to the farm etc.
We are just getting fed up with it. We have spoken to them about their drinking because we think they have a problem which they of course denied. I don't think they are alcoholics but they definitely have a bad relationship with booze. They can't enjoy anything without it. They don't understand what our issue is. They think it's normal to drink as much as they do.
Are we just miserable farts or would this annoy you too?.

Keep them at a distance. Really sad but you cant trust them. Yes they sound like they do have an alcohol issue. Cant stand drunk people. Next time theyre drunk and out of control/puking- film them or do a live stream to facebook tagging them 😆

You don't need to be drinking every day to be an alcoholic. The fact that they can't have any kind of gathering without booze, and they are unable to drink in moderation on every occasion, means they absolutely are alcoholics. Also, the fact that they don't like being pulled-up on behaviour that any nonalcoholic would find hugely embarrassing is a massive red flag. They don't want to change their behaviour, not because it's fun or because you're being a prude, they can't change because they're addicted to booze.

You have every right to put your foot down about this, don't put up with them and their drinking problems.

IIRC functional alcoholics can hold down jobs and go for periods of time without drinking (work hours for ex), so when anyone suggests they are alcohol dependent, they push back and say "but I only drink at weekends" (which I doubt btw). Or "I just have a couple of glasses in the evening" - it doesn't make them less of an alcoholic because addiction is needing the drink at some point, it's the unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
Some people can drink loads and never become addicted, others can consume far less and still form an addiction.

I would think that if your in-laws cannot even cope with a 2 hour kids party drink free, then they are alcoholics.
They probably don't see it as an issue because their social group and hobbies have normalised it and they don't stand out from their friends.

Not sure what you can do though if they aren't receptive to the idea that their drinking is a problem.

Functional alcoholics are still alcoholics.

By doing what exactly?

for Goodness sake just get on with your own life & let them lead theirs. You do t want them drinking around your kids….then don’t invite them to parties.
id much rather spend my days off with adults than at a kids party…. And yes, I’ve got kids!

It doesn’t matter whether you call them alcoholic or not, their relationship with drink is problematic. I have no idea what the answer is other than not to invite them to social occasions.

They are not bad, their behaviour is unacceptable. When that happens we draw boundaries which may be they don’t come to things where booze is not appropriate.

or if they bring booze they are not allowed in.

your advice is to just tell the kids that’s how granny and grandma are and then if they start saying inappropriate things or behaving inappropriately we must just be kind. Sod that , if they choose booze over the children it’s their choice. Also terrible thing to model to kids , that’s how they end up not speaking up about abuse.

"your advice is to just tell the kids that’s how granny and grandma are and then if they start saying inappropriate things or behaving inappropriately we must just be kind"
when did i say this exactly?

I know a couple who are like this. Their daughter has now had kids and they don’t understand why her and her husband no longer want to spend hours boozing with them. They go on family holidays and the grandparents spend all the time in the bar. If she asks them to join for a day at the farm or something they act like she’s crazy, it’s really sad to see. Not much you can do really they absolutely are functioning alcoholics by the sound of it

They're not bad people at all. And I would really hate to reduce contact because despite their drinking, they are really good with the kids. Real good fun(probably because they're pissed 🤣)
I think we are going to have another chat with them. I think because all of their friends drink the same, they think it's normal. They don't see their drinking as an issue. It just frustrates us that all family events have to involve drinking. There's no need and I really don't want my kids memories of their grandparents being All revolved around alcohol. We are also worried for their health.

They’re adults though. It’s OP’s responsibility to protect her children from things that are harmful. If her husband wants to see them I wouldn’t have any issue, but I’d be keeping the children away from unless they can stay sober around them going forward. I agree it’s an illness, but as adults they have a responsibility to at least recognise what’s happening and try to do something about it. At the very least reduce the impact on their young grandchildren. If one of them had diabetes, MS, any condition, I’d be saying the same. People are responsible for their own health!

My mum was a full-on alcy, till it killed her. My dad had his issues with it, myself and all my siblings have had too (I stopped drinking some years ago though) ... the one thing our issues have had in common is that it's ultimately a choice. That choice can lead to disease. But it's fundamentally a choice.

I like a drink, but that’s too much. Throwing up around children, due to alcohol. Disgusting.

They are functioning alcoholics

Help them how? By cleaning up when they vomit in front of small children? By taking the children to the pub so they can see them? By joining in with the drinking so they don't feel alone? There is nothing OP or anyone else can do to help alcoholics who don't see the need to seek help. The people she needs to 'be kind' to are her children. It can be deeply distressing and frightening for children to be around problem drinkers. The OP needs to spare them that.

I fully agree. I just meant a supportive family might give them more chance than a family that might exclude them.

Already responded to this question a few times.

And we'll done for beating it 😍

You think the OP should be 'supportive'. I'm asking what exactly that would look like to you. The OP has already offered the most supportive thing possible - an opportunity to be with their family in places where drinking isn't a factor, which would show there was life outside of alcohol- but they've declined. What, practically can she do?

Thank you ❤️ It was liberating, and transformed my life 😊

I bet 💚

We had a similar problem, except that it was my parents. It was the elephant in the room that no-one would talk about. It got to the point where it felt like whenever we saw them, they were pissed. Or would leave early so they could start drinking. I stopped DD from staying with them when we realised that they'd got into a habit of doing a booze run to France every time she went (so as to not waste the weekend, as my mother put it). My mother is awful when she's drunk which doesn't help. I'm teetotal and have been for years and my mother still can't grasp it.
It did damage the relationship I had with them, and their relationship with my children. It's really hard. I feel for you. But I feel my parents made their choice.

I’m in my 50s and know a number of couples who will drink to excess at any occasion. Just like your ILs @DaisiesAndDonuts. Their whole social life (any life outside of work) involves booze. And lots of it. I am not qualified to say if they are alcoholics or not but in the very least, they are absolutely alcohol dependent.

How does your DH feel about his parents’ alcohol consumption?

They sound awful. Yes I'd be annoyed. They are of less than zero use as grandparents and not only drink and act inappropriately around their grandchildren but try to encourage you to too, and mock you for being decent parents. I'd totally minimise contact to when it suits you and on your terms. Put your kids and yourself first, unlike them.