To tell DD I love her in front of DSDs?

[Cooktop64]

Hi. I’m probably gonna get flamed for this, but that’s okay.

DSDs are 17 and 18; I’ve known them since they were 10 and 11. DD is 4. We don’t spend a tonne of time all together, but we’ll do holidays, the occasional dinner out or movie, etc. I haven’t had a close enough relationship with DSDs in order to feel it’s appropriate to tell them I love them (even if I feel that way), but I tell DD I love her multiple times a day.

Is it totally wrong to tell DD I love her in the presence of DSDs, in this situation? I’ve done it a few times without thinking and it’s been awkward.

I’m actually going to say it depends- is there mother alive and in their lives in a positive way? If yes then you aren’t unreasonable, if no then consider their feelings and include them.

Why has it been awkward? Have the DSD said anything or is it just your own realisation?

How are you saying it? If you are declaring lots of love for DD in front of them while ignoring them that is kind of strange. But then I don't go round constantly telling my children I love them either.

Do you feel love towards them?

I agree it would be useful to know how involved their dm is.

In what way was it awkward- in that you felt awkward, did they react to it? What does your dh think about it?

She’s alive, and they live with her most of the time. But she can be a pretty nasty individual, and doesn’t seem like the type to say “I love you,” at least not very often… DH said she never said it to him.

It’s just a feeling in the room after I’ve said it. I’m sure there’s tangible indications but I can’t name them; to me, it just seems like awkward “energy.”

It doesn’t have to be a declaration. If you’re leaving the house for example “bye everyone, love you” I think would be fine. If you are saying “bye dsd, goodbye my own dearly loved dd” then it’s a bit performative.

After you've told your DD you love her and you feel the awkward vibe, why not just speak about it to the room in general.
"huh, it's feels a bit awkward to be telling DD that I love her and not say it to both of you. I know you're older and we don't live together, and I'm not your mum, but I hope you know how much I care about you"

I have 2 DSC and say ‘love you’ when they’re going to their other home, or at night. Not a weird declaration but I love them and it’s a nice thing to say. I have known them for 6 years though and didn’t start saying that until it felt appropriate/we had built a relationship. I wouldn’t start saying “I love you” to them randomly over dinner, for example.

Not awkward at all. I always tell dd I love her infront of dsc. Dh tells them both obviously. I do love dsc but it would feel awkward to say it .

This is perfect and just the right tone, it includes them and lets them know how you feel.

Do you do group hugs? Perfect time to say "Oh I love my girls"

I'm amazed you don't tell them you love them. I tell my friends all the time. I fostered a teenager for a few months. Now an adult We always tell each other we love each other.
Surely you must have a connection after all this time ?

Even if I feel that way? Do you love them or not?

That’s the question. It took time for me to tell DSS that I loved him and I did it in such a way that I was clear that he didn’t need to say it back if he wasn’t ready. But if you love them, you love them, so tell them?

I tell my DDs more, because when they are tiny you say you love them regularly to reassure them and now they say they love me all the time so I say it back.

But I love my DSS and of course I tell him and I don’t feel anyway about telling my DDs I love them in front of him as a result.

I think it's a bit OTT to be telling your 4 year old you love her multiple times a day 😳 maybe your DSDs think it's a bit odd too? I would say 'bye darling, love you, have a good day' when dropping them off at school and 'night night, love you' when kissing them goodnight but I didn't tell my kids I loved them multiple times every day!

Is there a limit to this? I tell ds frequently throughout the day. I grew up in a house where it was never said so I want to make sure ds grows up never questioning it. I imagine it's the type of thing that's better said too much than too little.

I grew up in a household where it was said occasionally, such as bedtime but not multiple times a day - we knew we were loved fiercely by our parents though - through their actions not just words. They were very physically affectionate. I just think if it's overused it just becomes something you say and loses all meaning really.

@Cooktop64 hopefully their Dad, at least, tells his girls he loves them both.

I think next time I would have to say I count myself so lucky to have three girls in my life that I really love. Otherwise given the way their mother is I think it's a bit mean to say something so nice to your daughter when there is an absence of anyone saying something similar to them.

I really feel for those girls. Is your husband affectionate with them?

Does their dad tell them?

I don't think it's anything more than a statement of fact. It may well make them notice they're not getting it from their mum. But perhaps you're modelling a way of mothering that they might emulate when they're older.

I suspect, if they don't get told it alot with their own Mum, there's probably a twinge of jealousy and resentment that their sister gets to hear it alot, or maybe they feel like they're having their face rubbed in it? Does your DH express his love to yous DSDs frequently? Xx

Maybe they just need to be told more often they are also loved. Maybe not by you but DH maybe needs to step it up. Xx

I tell my dsd that I love her, because I do. I’ve put the work into knowing her better and building that love, she says it to me too.i understand not saying it if you don’t feel it, but I don’t understand not trying to build it.

I don’t think it’s an issue but I don’t see why you are feeling the need to keep telling her anyway surely it’s the sort of thing that comes up at bedtime - goodnight , love you or dropping off at school / nursery . If you are saying it regularly in front of your step children it really is just enforcing to them that you don’t love them which does seem a bit mean .

Bloody hell, how sad. I tell my kids I love them probably ten times a day. Not in an exaggerated way, big declarations or anything but I can’t help but tell them to be honest. OTT??? Not at all.

Seems abit robotic to only say at bedtime or drop off. Sometimes I just look at my kids and say “ooh I love you so much” don’t need to wait until they’re falling asleep like it’s scheduled!