To tell DD I love her in front of DSDs?

[Cooktop64]

Hi. I’m probably gonna get flamed for this, but that’s okay.

DSDs are 17 and 18; I’ve known them since they were 10 and 11. DD is 4. We don’t spend a tonne of time all together, but we’ll do holidays, the occasional dinner out or movie, etc. I haven’t had a close enough relationship with DSDs in order to feel it’s appropriate to tell them I love them (even if I feel that way), but I tell DD I love her multiple times a day.

Is it totally wrong to tell DD I love her in the presence of DSDs, in this situation? I’ve done it a few times without thinking and it’s been awkward.

That’s great advice. Thank you!

It’s been a bit of a rocky road

That’s how I saw it too, a bit uncouth given the circumstances. A little lack of reading the room on my part.

DH is affectionate towards them as much as they allow him to be. He gives them hugs (when they’re around) and tells them he loves them, and other kind things, gives them lots of gifts, is always wanting to spend time with them, can’t say no to any favor they need from him…

I wouldn’t. It’s cold and insensitive. Presumably you have plenty of opportunity to tell your child you love her when not in earshot of her older siblings.
Honestly, how could any adult with self-awareness and empathy not see this?

Well, there's your answer then!

Keep modelling healthy loving parenting. One say they will have children and may be better equipped as a result.

Model healthy arguing and discipline as well!

I'd say it depends on the situation. I was nearly 19 when I first met my step mum. Would have been weird her telling me she loved me. Nearly 20 years on she doesn't. However I did see her notibly relex the once when we were talking about my children. I mentioned that they were her grandchildren because although she weren't my mum she'd been in my life for so long that she was a large part of my life. I wonder if she always felt worried about overstepping the boundary.

In your situation if you tell DD that you love her in earshot of the DSD I'd then mention that you love all of your family including the bonus ones. What they do with that is their choice but if they have any inner worries about their family situation then it can allay them without directly being told and it being awkward.

It's not sad at all - do you think your children feel more 'loved' because you say it 10 times a day? I think when it's overused it loses all meaning - it's just something you say, it's performative. My parents didn't say it all the time but I felt very loved and never doubted that they loved me.

I tell my dog loads of times a day that I love him- cos I do !
and same with DD !

if I had step kids, and they were a part of my life, I like to think I would grow to love them and tell them, as a significant adult figure in their lives that I value care, and love them -

maybe the weird vibe is not that u are telling their step sibling that you love them
but that you don’t communicate this to them … ?

Same for me, I know my parents love me but they didn't really say it. We have a good relationship but I don't remember them particularly warmly. I tell my DCs all the time- if anything I worry they'll remember me as a bit cringe 😂

Agree.
Op makes it sound a bit performative, really, rather than something that happens organically.

If you feel that you do actually love your DSDs but it feels awkward to say it to them for the first time, then look for opportunities to work it into a longer sentence where it isn't the focus, eg when there's a disagreement about something you can say "your father and I both love you dearly and want what's best for you but we are concerned that..." (continuing to explain your position on whatever the disagreement is). And try to have a conversation later about how positive you feel about how they are now part of your family although you understand that you aren't their actual mum, you still feel maternally towards them, and that affection doesn't detract from or lessen the love between them and their actual mum because there's no such thing as too much love.

My mum has never said the words "I love you" to me, but I know without a doubt that she does because of her actions. The words aren't the key part of that bond.

I have a four year old and I don’t tell him I love him all that often. In all honesty I think it can become meaningless and lose its value and purpose. Given the age difference I don’t think it’s necessarily unreasonable but it could quite easily come over as something unspoken as well as spoken and that’s the part I’d be sensitive about.

I’d say tell your daughter and your step daughters you love them all as often as you can. It can only do good. For your step daughters to hear it will mean so much esp if birth mother is a bit rubbish. Sound like they need to hear it more.

I would just probably say “and just so you know I love you both too” rather than saying I care about you a lot. To me that feels like it could be the relative version of friend zoning.

If you feel you so love them, it’s ok to say it.

I’m a needy kid who grew up in a house where I wasn’t loved (it was said occasionally but surrounded by abuse) so I just think it’s a positive thing when genuinely meant.

Keep doing it OP. It’s important the DSDs grow up knowing that this is normal and they don’t model cold hearted when and if they become parents themselves.

This. Coupled by your actions and attitude towards them. They will know if you love them.

Do you not love your step sons? Just say it! You could address the room first ' I love all of you guys so much' etc to ease yourself in....

I’m sure I would love my step sons if I had any

You should be able to tell your biological daughter that you love her whenever you want.

I’m the complete opposite of you and very happy to tell my children multiple times a day that I love them. ❤️😊

I 100% agree Endofyear. People often say it to hear it back, forcing the interaction. You can not say it but show it in many ways, I think it's far better that people feel secure and loved than hear meaningless words. I work in a call centre and people often say I love you at the end of the call as they are on automatic pilot. It's hardly a meaningful phrase then.

That’s not quite what I meant as obviously you can randomly say it at other times but it does seem a bit much to be saying it multiple times a day surely you show people you love them you don’t need to actually say it . Sounds like the OP doesn’t say it or show it to the step children .

@tinyspinyi show them and tell them. It’s really quite normal 😳

@whatcanthematterbe81 well I’m not alone on this post in thinking that it’s a bit performative to be saying I love you multiple times a day so we will have to accept that people are different .