To tell DD I love her in front of DSDs?

[Cooktop64]

Hi. I’m probably gonna get flamed for this, but that’s okay.

DSDs are 17 and 18; I’ve known them since they were 10 and 11. DD is 4. We don’t spend a tonne of time all together, but we’ll do holidays, the occasional dinner out or movie, etc. I haven’t had a close enough relationship with DSDs in order to feel it’s appropriate to tell them I love them (even if I feel that way), but I tell DD I love her multiple times a day.

Is it totally wrong to tell DD I love her in the presence of DSDs, in this situation? I’ve done it a few times without thinking and it’s been awkward.

@tinyspinyok. Defo performative 😂

You won’t say if you actually love you step daughters after being in their lives for 7 years. I suspect you don’t and they know this. No wonder it’s awkward.

I just wanted to offer my daughter's perspective on this. She is 18 and has talked frequently over the years of hearing her stepmother say this to her own children in front of her , but not to my daughter. It's hurt her deeply, even though she can rationalise it also. I get it from your point of view - that it doesn't feel natural etc but I agree with other posters that it would be best to actually own it or address it rather than leave it unacknowledged.

Me and my 6 year old DD tell each other we love each other and give each other cuddles all the time. There really is no hidden meaning behind it eg to be performative. I find it strange that you and others are overthinking it so much.

perhaps you could try doing a 'joint' one to test the waters, in a situation where you're talking to all three of them
e.g. when they're/you're going to bed 'night girls, love you.' or when they're going to school 'Have a nice day all, love you,' or 'bye girls, love you.'
bright and breezy tone so you aren't accused of being "performative" 🙄

if the older girls aren’t used to hearing it then the awkward energy in the room probably isn’t them feeling left out but just awkward at hearing a declaration of love aloud as they haven’t grown up hearing it. To them, it might feel odd or OTT whereas to you and dd its perfectly natural.

For heaven's sake, just tell them all you love them.

You'll be their step mum for a really long time, you have limited time to build a relationship. Just tell them. They don't have to love you back or be comfortable enough to say it first time round.
Would it be awful to be generous towards them in this regard?

It’s not necessarily OP being mean by not saying it to them- they might not be receptive to it and it might make them feel really awkward and that they have to say it back. Saying it directly to them might make the situation worse if it makes them feel uncomfortable.

I like the Pps suggestion that said to let them know how much you care for them too OP as opposed to directly saying ‘I love you’ which might cause awkwardness and uncomfortableness

Agreeing people are different is totally right. Judging and calling it a bit performative though is a dick move. It’s not performative, it’s just not what you do or what you find comfortable.

Of course it’s fine! She’s four and she’s your dd!

Even if they were all your biological children I'd still expect you say it to the 4yr old much more than the others because that's what 4 years olds need to hear. They tend to endlessly tell their Mums how much they love them so there are so many more opportunities for the Mums to say it back. Many parents say I love you dropping 4 yr olds off at preschool (where I work) but its not usual to tell a 18 year old this on a daily basis. So no i don't think YABU but maybe once in a while say something loving towards the DSDs too so they know you feel it.

As I said, it’s been a rocky road. I’ve almost always had warm feelings towards them (sometimes a bit of frustration, here and there) but they haven’t always felt the same way about me…

The tricky thing with step parenting is trying to mind your boundaries, not forcing a relationship that they don’t want, and not acting like you’re trying to replace their mother in any way, while also being available for a loving, involved, parental-sort-of relationship if they want that with you.

‘Warm feelings’ is a long way from love. I’m sure your step daughter’s are aware of your feelings towards them. Tell your DD you love her in front of them but you need to accept that there will be awkwardness from the two children who know you will never and have never loved them.

I think you can refrain from telling your own child you love them while your step children are there. It seems a bit like doling out chocolate and just leaving them standing there or couples that smooch in front of other people. If you know it makes them uncomfortable and you don’t feel you can say the same to them just refrain for that moment. I’m sure you can redress the balance when they’re not there.

How is it performative to say what you feel?

Some parents vocalise their love less. It doesn't mean that they're cold, that they love their kids any less, or that they don't show their love in other ways.

Some parents vocalise their love more. It doesn't mean that it's performative, that it loses its meaning or that they don't show their love in other ways as well.

There is no one correct approach to parenting, and it's a shame that people have to be so judgemental about each other. If someone does something differently from how you do it, you don't have to take it as a criticism.

It sounds like saying it to your daughter as a reflex and habit if it's multiple times a day. I think if I heard something multiple times a day that excluded me, or said something to me through omission intended or not , then I'd find it hurtful and exclusive once I'd noticed. I think I'd think about how I'm using the phrase and why and then try and change the way I communicated to be less exclusive.

Exactly. I find it really strange that people think it’s performative or that it makes it lose its meaning. We all love our children and some of us vocalise it to them more than others. Can’t see the big deal. Only on MN would this be an issue.

Well, you don’t exactly love someone from the moment you meet them, do you? It takes time. Like I said, I feel love for them now.

I’m gonna try to include all of them in verbal expressions of affection, or just not say ILY to DD in front of them (though I will continue with physical affection and such.)

This.

The OP says

We don’t spend a tonne of time all together, but we’ll do holidays, the occasional dinner out or movie, etc.

Is it really necessary to repeatedly tell your DD you love her in front of her sisters when you don't even spend much time with them?! Sounds like you're deliberately trying to exclude them to be honest...

if you now love them, then why not find a way to tell them then the awkwardness should go

It's perfectly normal. I d be concerned if you re being challenged on this.

Classic MN

It’s been accidental, the few times I’ve said it to DD in front of them. DD will do something absurd and funny, or she’ll climb into my lap and I’ll give her a big squeeze and a kiss on her head, and out pops “I love you, [DD’s name]!”

It’s easy enough to say “Your father and I are so proud of you,” or “You’re so smart/funny” and other such sentiments to DSDs… I just wonder if it’s too soon to use the L word in a serious context. Will try it in a more casual way, as PP have suggested

@Cooktop64

You shouldn’t have to think twice about expressing your love to your child.

It is also completely normal to not love your stepchildren. They are not your biological children.

Don’t let people on here make you feel bad.

No you don’t love someone from the moment you meet them but you should know after 7 years whether you love them or just have ‘warm feelings’ towards them.

I didn’t ever say I was unsure of how I felt. I’m unsure if they’d be receptive of me expressing my feelings towards them.