To not want DC to travel to ExH on their own?

[NotQuiteSureReally]

Bit of a long one sorry.

Split with ExH few years ago - it was messy at times but mostly ok now. We’ve got 2 DSs, 15 and 14. We’re in Manchester and he moved up to Scotland end of last year (he’s about 3 hrs away by train). Up til now he’s been coming down about once a month to see them - take them out etc.

He’s now saying he wants them to go up to him - esp over the summer so they can stay a bit longer. Youngest has a commitment EOW but that’s off til Sept so I get why he’s asking now.

Here’s the problem - I don’t trust them to go on their own. They don’t get along AT ALL. DS1 is not the most sensible, can be quite stroppy and has a habit of storming off when he doesn’t get his way. DS2 is very immature for his age - I don’t think he’d cope well if something went wrong or they got split up or whatever. I can honestly imagine DS1 walking off if they argued mid-journey and just leaving DS2 to figure it out.

I’ve said no but ExH is now saying if I don’t agree he’ll just ask them and they’ll go anyway. They were both quite upset when he moved and I know they’d like to spend more time with him - but I don’t want them being responsible for getting there alone. Also not sure how I feel about him going behind my back to ask them.

AIBU to say no to the travel? Or should I just let them go and hope for the best? Am I being overprotective?

How would they get there? If its a relatively simple journey, can you put them on a train one end and your ex meet them at the other? If its more complex, could you travel part of the way with them? (I know you shouldn't have to, but peace of mind is a valuable thing!).

I would do it once with them myself, at least, so I would know that they know where they are and what they are doing.

Can you do the journey with them once. Talk through what to do if a train is cancelled or something goes wrong (as someone in train uniform! Call dad etc). Then dad can do the return with them once.

after that make sure you monitor their journey (check for delays, be prepared to go and get them!). After a while they’ll have it down pat.

remember plenty of kids in the London area get multiple trains and tubes per day once they go to high school.

I travelled all over at 14/15 on the train.

They are old enough to manage a 3 hour train journey.

At 12 and 14 my ds's used public transport to travel between the 2 homes. Train and bus. Send each dc their own eticket.. Buy seats near the drivers cabin.. Find the details to the text service that you can use if you feel in danger on the train. I bet they go out unsupervised with friends yes? Honestly op just bite the bullet and wish them a great time.
Are you possibly worried ex gives them a fab time and you feel inadequate? My exh threw cash and tech at my dc but they chose to live full time with me after a short while... Enjoy the peace I say!! Be recharged for them coming home.

I'd have the same fear for my two boys. They don't seem to have any inbuilt loyalty or care for one another. They argue.
But I think my biggest fear would actually be them dealing with the unexpected. Cancellation. Change of platform. Bus replacement service.
If I could put them on a train knowing they were being met the other end then it would be fine. But it's all the "what ifs"'.

I agree that the first step would be doing it with them, though. It may assuage your fears.

Is there a train they could get direct to say Glasgow or Edinburgh from Manchester and their dad meet them at the station and take them the rest of the way? Then you could see them on at Manchester on the platform and they've not got to mess about changing trains.

Would that work at least for a start? I don't think I'd want them having to change trains or anything like that, especially if they aren't used to it.

If they dont get on, have they got headphones? If they had headphones, snacks and something to keep them occupied on the journey would they ignore each other? Or book tickets so the seats aren't next to each other?

Say to your ex he needs to do the journey with them the first time so they know what to do.

Yes, they should be able to handle that, especially if there if the train is direct.
Each kid should be in charge of their own ticket, have their own phone and charger with both your and their dad’s numbers preprogrammed in, and access to a little bit of money in case anything goes wrong (20 pounds would do it - think enough to buy a meal if the train gets delayed).
Don’t make one responsible for the other or rely on them staying civil. Make them each independent and responsible for themselves. Have a group chat and check in on them to make sure they have gotten to each stage of the journey ok. Pick train times during the day so there’s time to sort out any disasters (missed connection, train strike etc) before things start to shut for the night when they might feel scared - waiting for dad to drive 2 hours to pick you up because your train was cancelled is less scary at 3pm than at 10pm.

Unhelpful.

OP, I was going to say what others have said, can you do it with them the first time - or ask Ex to come down and travel back with them?

Age has nothing to do with it, temperament and maturity are what matters. My 22 year old ND son still needs a bit of hand holding around timetables, journies, which platform etc.

If you don't think it would work for these two, then don't push them to do it.

I would let them go. My sisters both made the journey from Manchester to Berlin at that age (separately) to visit me and that involved navigating airports. Teenagers van be very capable.

As long as you trust your ex to be there at the end.

They should both be more than capable of doing that journey alone.

They’ve got phones and they’re at high school, they are honestly old enough to do a simple direct train journey by themselves. Put them on at Manchester, dad meets them at Edinburgh or Glasgow and he’s responsible for the final bit of travel, surely?

On a direct train they will be fine.

Get your ex to come to you then take your dcs by train back to his place.
Make sure he let's your dcs solve any issues so he just shadows them in case of emergencies.

Do you use trains or other public transport at all ?
If not a couple of more local journeys so they get use to the hustle /crowds / announcements / delays and such like.

I'd also do things like make sure they have enough credit on their phones , some cash / go Henry type card , air tags or similar.

If you are worried the first time, take them to the nearest station with a direct train.

At a similar age we were flying half way across the world to our other parent.

At that age they will be fine. No wonder kids are clueless when they leave for uni. They aren’t allowed to do simple tasks

Are they used to trains or travelling themselves? If so I really wouldn't worry.
If they have an indirect journey or they are not confident on trains then I would either go on the train with them the first time and show them how to change trains or ask their dad to meet them at the station where they change..
If they are confident and it's a direct train I would put them on the train (book seats in advance) and then ask their dad to collect them at the other end. It really is the easiest way to travel as you can't take a wrong turn or get lost. If they want to sit separately they can.

Thanks all - some good suggestions.

I get that loads of kids their age travel on trains etc - and if they were the type to just sit with headphones in and chill it’d probably be fine. But they’re not. Even when they’re doing their own thing here they’ll still wind each other up, like DS2 just existing near DS1 can set him off sometimes. And vice versa tbh. Snacks and headphones might help but I honestly wouldn’t bank on them ignoring each other the whole 3 hours.

Re doing the journey with them - in theory yes, but I don’t really think I should have to. Ex is the one who chose to move that far, I stayed put. If I take them there, that also means I lose the one child-free weekend I get to do my own thing. So I’d be giving that up just to make his life easier which doesn’t sit right.

I’m also still thinking about what happened a few months back - bus from school was delayed, loads of kids waiting, when it turned up DS1 barged through the crowd and got on, bus filled up and DS2 was left at the bus station on his own. It was dark and he was really shaken by it. DS1 just didn’t even think about him. That’s the kind of thing I’m worried about if they were on a train and something went wrong.

I think a direct train would be better, but even then, I’m not 100% convinced they’d manage it if anything went off plan. DS1 is out and about with mates now and then but DS2 not really - bit younger for his age if that makes sense.

They are old enough to manage it. My DD (very quiet and shy) travelled to Bangladesh on her own when she was 14. Especially as they have a phone, they can just call for help. It’s a reasonable ask at their age.

I would tell him to get the train down then you meet him at the station and they all get the train back to dads, and they do the return journey the same way. Then next time the6 might be older and manager it better themselves

At that age and with mobile phones they’ll be fine. I think there are direct trains from Preston to Scotland so just drop them there the first time.

Book tickets close to each other but not next to each other.

I think a variation of this.
I think ExH comes down & collects them on the train, shows them the journey and then they learn the independence it sounds like they need, and no inconvenience to OP.

I’m guessing ExH has a different view on his son’s independence and readiness.

Can they go by coach? Fewer opportunities to storm off

(Sorry didn't mean to quote)