To not want DC to travel to ExH on their own?

[NotQuiteSureReally]

Bit of a long one sorry.

Split with ExH few years ago - it was messy at times but mostly ok now. We’ve got 2 DSs, 15 and 14. We’re in Manchester and he moved up to Scotland end of last year (he’s about 3 hrs away by train). Up til now he’s been coming down about once a month to see them - take them out etc.

He’s now saying he wants them to go up to him - esp over the summer so they can stay a bit longer. Youngest has a commitment EOW but that’s off til Sept so I get why he’s asking now.

Here’s the problem - I don’t trust them to go on their own. They don’t get along AT ALL. DS1 is not the most sensible, can be quite stroppy and has a habit of storming off when he doesn’t get his way. DS2 is very immature for his age - I don’t think he’d cope well if something went wrong or they got split up or whatever. I can honestly imagine DS1 walking off if they argued mid-journey and just leaving DS2 to figure it out.

I’ve said no but ExH is now saying if I don’t agree he’ll just ask them and they’ll go anyway. They were both quite upset when he moved and I know they’d like to spend more time with him - but I don’t want them being responsible for getting there alone. Also not sure how I feel about him going behind my back to ask them.

AIBU to say no to the travel? Or should I just let them go and hope for the best? Am I being overprotective?

Bloody hell OP they're 14/15 both old enough to make their way independently. Yabu.

They will be fine on a direct train you put them on ex takes them off. Most kids get on a lot better when parents aren't around even if this isn't the case with yours it's a train they can sit either end away from each other if they want.

If you know your sons want to see their father then you can use that as a bargaining tool to influence their behaviour. It might be best if you plan on them both travelling solo (even on the same train), if you can't rely on them helping each other. Insist that they stay at the station until dad picks them up. Think of all possible scenarios, make sure they have written list of phone numbers and plan who to ask for help. It will be good for both of them and you.

I'd be reading them both the riot act. Surely the 15yo can look after his brother for three hours? Otherwise perhaps they visit dad at different times.

Yeah, I think also they can fight like cat and dog when in a safe space but will probably stick together in new territory like this, might be the making of them!

A few years ago DS then 13 I think travelled from his uncles house in south London to Cornwall. As long as he got to Paddington on time it was a direct train to newquay.

DS is a boy who knows it all and cannot be told much… but he had to learn.

He was plugged into his phone and ran down the battery. Didn’t listen to announcements.

The train was running late and terminated in Bristol. He had just enough battery to call and say he was stuck there. Told him to find a guard… and between guard and us we managed to get him on a train to Plymouth after 2 hours in Bristol. DH had to drive to Plymouth to fetch him. Final panic when he didn’t get off train. Found him asleep in a carriage at 1am….

DS learnt a lot. No regrets, but I suggest running through a few scenarios with both boys, possibly individually.

I wouldn’t rely on the 15 year old to look after a 14 year old - I’d work on it separately. Can you send the older one on his own the first time? No reason they have to stick together is there? If they don’t get along that might be better for everyone anyway. In the meantime work on your younger son’s independence and practice transport nearby so he can go on his own in a couple months maybe?

or you pick a place in the middle and meet up but it really seems like they should be old enough to manage with some prep.

Yes! Always have a power bank on you, I assumed there would be charging points on my train but we had to jump trains due to technical issues and it had nearly run out by the time I got to my destination.

I think you need to reframe this in your own mind. You wouldn't be doing it to make your exes life easier, you would be doing it because you care about your children.

Your ex is an arse for moving away from his children. And he's an arse for refusing to make their lives easier by accompanying them the first time they use public transport to visit. There's nothing you can do about that though, the only thing you're in control of is your actions.

Would your DC benefit from visiting their dad? Would they manage the journey better if you went with them the first time? That's all that mattes really (it's pointless talking about what other children their age can do, you know your DC best and if you say they'd struggle, I'm not going to argue with you).

Fgs - At their age I was travelling independently all over Europe.

the obvious answer is don't send them on the same train.

@NotQuiteSureReally you are beginning to sound as if you’re grasping for any excuse to stop your children doing this, just to inconvenience your ex. You sound very resentful of his move. You’ve had loads of suggestions on here as to how to manage - if i were you, I’d take some of them because otherwise ex will take it out of your hands by asking boys direct 🤷🏻‍♀️

Book a direct train and tell them to grow up!

It's quite young if DC not sensible. Personally, I'd drive them. I know he should but I'd be more comfortable doing it myself. Could ex drive down to get them? Could he meet you halfway?

“Re doing the journey with them - in theory yes, but I don’t really think I should have to.”

Actually OP I think this is selfish - you’re letting your feelings about your ex override what’s best for your kids. Do it once, it’s only one weekend, it is not forever, and then you can either be reassured or see what issues need to be worked on for future trips.

Send them seperately. DS1 is quite the budding sociopath so he just makes things worse. Send the older one up on a trial run and then send the younger one up alone in a year.

ExH would need to guarantee to meet at the station.

Have you looked at trains. Is there a direct one?

There's one from Crewe to Edinburgh that only stops at a few places. I'm sure there will be one from Manchester. Something like that would be quite easy. Phone, headphones and snacks.

I think you just need to treat them as separate units AND put all this back on their dad.

Does ds1 want to make the journey? Great, he can liaise with dad about train ticket, emergency taxi fare in case his dad doesn't make it to pick him up etc etc.

Does ds2 want to go? Great, same. Separately.

If they both end up on the same train, fine. They can ignore each other.

If ds2 doesn't feel up to any of this yet, no worries. He'll get a break from his db, ds1 gets quality one to one time with dad, it's all good.

Whoever's going, you speak to individually about 'what to do if you find yourself having to change trains/your phone runs out of charge/dad is late & not at the station/aliens overrun the train'.

But assume that each of them is realistically travelling solo. Not least because soon enough one or both of them will have a social life - maybe a girl/boyfriend - & they'll want to nip up & down separately to see dear old dad as & when it fits in with their individual plans.

My 3 are currently on 3 separate continents (Uni, gap year, with me) & their father on a 4th. Each of them got used to solo travelling between the UK & ME by about 12/13, & I'm not saying it's not a bit scary! But it's so useful to be able to handle solo travelling confidently- I think you'll be doing ds2 a favour if you work on independence, not foisting him on a db who is likely to be less reliable than relying on himself.

It just doesn't need to happen this summer if he isn't keen yet.

I was doing a direct York to Edinburgh train on my own from ten years old. Put on at one end and met at the other end. You could book them seats behind each other if you didn't trust them to sit together.

Won't stop her worrying though

Absolutely not my ex tried this when I got to 15 and was told no
He’s been coming to collect him ever since

Oh, of course.

Why didn't the OP think of that?

And where is Mum’s break during all of this?

Part of the reason they go to the other parent is to give the parent that’s doing all of the heavy lifting some respite

If it's a direct train then one needs to get on one train and the other needs to get on the one after. And as for him not meeting them at the station that needs to be 100% non-negociable.

It’s not all about age, just because they are an age where other kids can manage it, it doesn’t mean to say ops kids can. They don’t sound mature enough

I’d go with them the first time. Look at it as doing something for your children’s benefit, rather than your ex.