DD is out of control.

[Abc12351]

So today DD was playing with the neighbours kids (a 7 year old boy and 8 year old girl). DD is 9. She was playing nicely I don’t leave her alone tbh I’m always watching them. It’s a cul-de-sac type street and kids play in the bit of field opposite the houses. I had my 6 year old with me too, I left them alone for 5 minutes at the most to take my little one to the toilet. I came back to screaming and shouting and was told my DD hit another boy who’s 5 years old (he joined when I left). I feel really annoyed that a) I left them alone and b) most importantly she hit him.

we’ve only moved here a year ago and she has started playing with these kids for a month. There been no issues. I often wonder why the parents leave them as it is quite busy with cars and bikes zooming past on one side of the road but it’s fine as I’m always with them.

she’s been told off and she went to bed crying this evening. I’ve explained to her she can’t go around hitting people. Her party is next month and I’m really tempted to just cancel it but I know I won’t.

I’m just really lost on how to handle this tomorrow morning. I’ve spoken to the boys parents and apologised. We also went around and she apologised to the boy,

she’s refusing to play with any of the kids from now on which is a shame as I was finally feeling part of this community. It’s been really lonely for me being on my own with my kids and I feel it’s all spoilt now.

this is not the first time she’s hit people. Last year I took her along to a play date with my son’s friends and she hit both the little boys. Yes they were provoking her I suppose but they were just being little boys by shouting “you can’t get me” they were playing tag and she hit one really hard on the head. Needless to say we were never invited again and this has had an impact on my son’s friendships as it’s a small village school. I just don’t know what to do. I know she hates little boys and finds them annoying. I’ve come up with a checklist for when she gets annoyed but she seems to forget everything when she’s angry.

the neighbours will stop talking up us now won’t they? also I’m not sure why this little boy is always left on his own to play with the older kids - his parents should be there like I am with my son whose same age. I’m annoyed I left her alone with them I should have brought her home with me and then went back,

Well it's all gone tits up today but it doesn't sound like this is a regular occurrence with your daughter. Chalk it up to experience, don't let her play out alone and tell her why, and keep going. You've got this.

I think you are catastrophising. The kids on my road have hit each other plenty of times and we still speak to each other. Just make sure you supervise.

@Springadorable thank you. I’m just worried incase they start avoiding us like my son’s friends did. The other kids my DD plays nicely with but this boy she absolutely hates! I’ve intervened all the other times before anything happens so it’s all been good. Is it normal to just let your 5 year old go off? The 5 year old, and other 2 kids often end up in my garden and parents couldn’t care less! They don’t really know me and I find this odd.

@FumingTRex thank you for that makes me feel better. I’m actually getting annoyed at always supervising them. Over half term I was literally out with them everyday whilst the parents were god knows where.

Your Daughter needs to learn a new strategy. I think you need to really talk it through with her not just tell her off and punish her. She needs to recognise the signs when she is getting angry with little boys, and learn to walk away before it escalates. She doesn’t need to say anything to them, just walk away and come to speak to you about it. You will listen to her without judgement and then she will do a different activity.

No, not normal to let a five year old roam unsupervised. So he might not be exactly an angel if he's had little guidance on appropriate interactions, but also she shouldn't be whacking him (which you obviously appreciate) even if he is annoying. She needs to come and get you if she starts to feel tense and not coping - this will give get time to process how she's feeling and why, get her to move away from the situation and also allow you to intervene (if you're close and watching but out of ear shot you might not realise she's finding it hard).

Don't concern yourself with how the 5 year old is parented.

If your youngest needs to go to the toilet whilst both your children are playing inside, and you can't trust your dd not to hit younger boys - then she has to come in to the house too.
You could pretend she's having a drink ?

Are there also older children playing out? You have only mentioned your 9 year old and your 5 year old and the 5 year old boy she hit. Obviously yes the bottom line is your 9 year old needs supervision from you every minute she is playing with the other children if she might hit them. However does she really want to play out? Is she bored? Is she just going out because you and your boy are out and so she has to go too? At 9 she should be old enough to play in the house while you are just outside if she wants?!

Sadly OP, you'll always get parents like this, who are happy to leave their kids in the hands of fate. I was like you, and either watched the group that my kids played with, or let them all come in my garden, so I knew they were safe, but it did always leave me, being the one to have to deal with any fights or disputes.

Please, whatever you do, DO NOT threaten your child with something that you are not prepared to follow through with, like cancelling her party, that way only leads to more problems, because as you've said yourself, you won't do it. So as punishment, always focus on something which will only affect that one child, this way no one else suffers. With your daughter, I think you need to find things that she enjoys, and that she will be upset to lose, and use those as the punishment when things go wrong. So for example, if she likes to go on a tablet after school, and she does something really naughty, you could take it away for however long you think is appropriate, but don't go mad and say, 'you're not having your tablet for a month', as you know that this will be making a rod for your own back. Or if she goes to say a dance class once a week, which causes you inconvenience, but you do it because you love her, then tell her, that she won't go this week, because she did whatever it was.

Finally, if you're the only one who ever watches them, then I might be tempted to take the 5 year old by the hand, and take him home, if you don't feel he's safe. If the parents really don't care, then it probably won't make any difference, but if you take him home, and say that you're worried he's going to get hurt by the bigger kids, then if they care at all, they may just find something else for him to do.

@BakelikeBertha thank you so much for this. Really good advice.

thank you everyone for responding. Yes I hate being the one to supervise them all! My 9 year old is actually the one all the kids knock on the door to play with. She’s really sociable. I feel guilty she’s gone to bed crying and I did t comfort her. I just feel she’s old enough to understand she shouldn’t hit

*did Not comfort her I mean

I've got to be honest, if a 9 year old hit my 5 year old I'd be really quite annoyed and would probably tell my child to avoid them.

@Dramatic thats what worries me. I don’t want my son to miss out. He doesn’t have any friends whereas my daughter does have friends in school

You're overreacting. Hitting is not good and obviously needs addressed but talk of her being out of control and cancelling her party is totally unnecessary.

When she hits it's because she's can't control her own impulses in the moment. That takes a LOT of practice for kids. You have to keep working on it, over and over. It's not something you can address in the moment once the hitting has occurred - you have to practice it with books, role play, workshopping alternatives to hitting etc over and over again until it sticks.

In the meantime the consequences you enforced are fine - ending play time when she hits is a sensible consequence, and the apology will show her she had to make amends. I think you can move on from this one incident but keep on practicing with her better solutions for resolving future conflicts.

@Garibald role play is a great idea thank you. Yes I feel guilty I may have over reacted but as I said it’s not the first time. I really hope she grows out of it.

@Abc12351 well the 5 year old boy clearly has shit parents who don’t care about him, so I doubt they’ll avoid you because of a hit.

That's a bit of a stretch, it sounds like he was out with an older sibling in a quiet cul de sac on a piece of grass.

Does she do this sort of thing at school?

What is the reason she's hitting other children exactly? I mean, in self defence, fine, but where has she learned that behaviour? I have three children, and they don't hit eachother, nevermind children they play out with whilst at home. Unless they're hit first, then they obviously stand up for themselves, like anyone would. What has your daughter said is the reason, when you've asked her why she does this?

Does she want everyone coming to see her all the time? Is it overwhelming and stressing her out? Not that hitting is the answer but if its too much she needs to tell you that its too much and maybe manage it that way. And the difference in age between 9 and 5/6 is a lot at that age.

Everything you said sounds perfectly sensible. Also you can't cancel a party that's set 2/3/4weeks plus in the future for todays actions IMHO

she likes all the other kids but hates the 5 year old boy. She used to “tolerate” him but I think things got escalated when he just walked into our home one afternoon and started roughly playing with her toys. She actually hit him then too but it was dealt with quickly as I was there.

She just says she hates him. They all know each other.

TO PP. - no he doesn’t have siblings playing to - he’s an only child and his parents let him out on his own yesterday.

No. She’s never done this at school. Infants and juniors play separately.

To be honest it’s turning into a post more about the judgement of the boy than the girl: there’s literally nothing anyone can do about that, it isn’t down to anyone other than his parents how they choose to parent him. I wouldn’t do it but then she’s nearly twice as old as him and hitting him is pretty bad really. How would you feel if a fifteen year old hit your DD and justified it by her being out alone? If you don’t want to supervise then don’t, I probably wouldn’t want to either!