DD is out of control.

[Abc12351]

So today DD was playing with the neighbours kids (a 7 year old boy and 8 year old girl). DD is 9. She was playing nicely I don’t leave her alone tbh I’m always watching them. It’s a cul-de-sac type street and kids play in the bit of field opposite the houses. I had my 6 year old with me too, I left them alone for 5 minutes at the most to take my little one to the toilet. I came back to screaming and shouting and was told my DD hit another boy who’s 5 years old (he joined when I left). I feel really annoyed that a) I left them alone and b) most importantly she hit him.

we’ve only moved here a year ago and she has started playing with these kids for a month. There been no issues. I often wonder why the parents leave them as it is quite busy with cars and bikes zooming past on one side of the road but it’s fine as I’m always with them.

she’s been told off and she went to bed crying this evening. I’ve explained to her she can’t go around hitting people. Her party is next month and I’m really tempted to just cancel it but I know I won’t.

I’m just really lost on how to handle this tomorrow morning. I’ve spoken to the boys parents and apologised. We also went around and she apologised to the boy,

she’s refusing to play with any of the kids from now on which is a shame as I was finally feeling part of this community. It’s been really lonely for me being on my own with my kids and I feel it’s all spoilt now.

this is not the first time she’s hit people. Last year I took her along to a play date with my son’s friends and she hit both the little boys. Yes they were provoking her I suppose but they were just being little boys by shouting “you can’t get me” they were playing tag and she hit one really hard on the head. Needless to say we were never invited again and this has had an impact on my son’s friendships as it’s a small village school. I just don’t know what to do. I know she hates little boys and finds them annoying. I’ve come up with a checklist for when she gets annoyed but she seems to forget everything when she’s angry.

the neighbours will stop talking up us now won’t they? also I’m not sure why this little boy is always left on his own to play with the older kids - his parents should be there like I am with my son whose same age. I’m annoyed I left her alone with them I should have brought her home with me and then went back,

What does the boy being out alone have to do with anything? Your daughter was the one who misbehaved.

I don't think it's as much of a disaster as you are making it out to be, but your DD can't go around hitting children, especially much younger children, just because she "hates" them. If she can't control herself around this boy, then you should tell her to just come home if he comes out to play.

Poor little 5 years old, he sounds neglected. Your son needs a friend so tell the 5 years old that he's welcome to come only to play with your son,.your DD is older and has her own friends

She is nine. She knows she mustn't hit people. Have you told her to come straight to you if someone upsets her or bullys her?

Try to explain to her she must not take matters into herself and mete out punishment on her own when someone upsets her, and that she must go straight to you or an adult and explain before she acts on the spur of the moment. You could reward her for doing that, rather than hit other children.

If she cannot understand that, then you should seek help for her before it goes too far. Ask her if she has any problems she hasn't told you. It is better not to leave her outside on her own until she learns she cannot hit other children.

Make sure no one is hitting on her. Sometimes, children hit back at kids younger than themselves because someone older and stronger is upsetting them. Something to bear in mind.

I think you're doing the right thing to supervise closely. Ultimately, if your dd is still in a hitting phase you'll have to watch her like a hawk, no matter how old she is. Then you'll be there to step in when you see her getting wound up and support her to regulate. Not being allowed to play unsupervised is a natural consequence of hitting. She'll get there!

The real problem is if she soon becomes seen as the street's bully, picking on younger children.

She will become 10 soon and you do not want the younger boy's parents jumping up and down in the future re assault and the age of criminal responsibility.

I hope this is helpful: Helping Kids with Feelings When They Hit

DD should not be left unsupervised. It’s concerning that she’s targeting children so much younger than her. At her age she should be able to understand that younger children communicate differently/don’t have the same social skills as her. As another poster said - she’ll soon be 10 and if she keeps attacking younger children then don’t be surprised if one of the parents gets the police involved.

Chill out. Kids fight and fall out all the time. It's how they learn how to set boundaries and deal with conflict. It's normal....

Please stop trying to blame the 5 year old for your child hitting. Regardless of whether he should be put on his own or not is irrelevant to the fact your daughter hits other children. Please work on that instead.

Why did she hit him? Have you asked her that?

She isn't 'out of control'. She complied with your instructions to apologise.

You must get yourself some therapy. For you. You are dangerously close to saying 'This child is ruining my life!' By taking that attitude, you run a high risk of ruining hers. Find a therapist so you can talk this through.

I don't think it is normal for a 9 year old to hit and especially for them to hit much younger children aside from perhaps siblings (even then it obviously isn't ok, but is much more 'normal')

I think it is. Just not able to emotionally regulate themselves at that age. Do you mean hit as in a quick push or smack. That would be normal. If she's hauled off and punched them on the nose end. Maybe not so

Maybe stop ketting them play in an undifferentiated group? Your dd would perhaps like some girl friends in a one in one playdate? She is tired if having a younger brither perhaps?

It is really unusual for a 9 year old girl to go round hitting other children.

I have a 7 year old and I couldn't imagine her doing something like this.

What consequences has she had for her ‘hitting’?

I have nine and six year old boys. They definitely hit each other but never other kids.

I remember the nine year old telling me in shocked tones that a (ND) kid in his class had shouted at a reception kid - I think there is a clear line for most DC that you don't go after much younger children and an awareness that you can't hold them to the same social rules as kids your own age

As usual, if this was a 9 year old boy hitting much younger girls, some of the responses would be very different.

Hmm I think you've dealt with it, apologies and so on.
Work with DD on how to handle it when that anger/fear happens.
There's no set age that kid suddenly are able to regulate perfectly every time. She's 9, she's still a kid.
She wasn't right but she's not a monster. She's apologised and gone to bed crying and that's enough.
Work on her getting better at managing her emotions without shaming her.

I also think get to know more about why she "hates" this lad what is going on there?

Does she even want to be out there with those boys?

Same. That's a huge age difference.

The fact that some kids are left to play out on their own is completely irrelevant to the story so no idea why you spent so much time specifying that. It doesn't make any difference to what happened, the other mum could have been watching 99% of the time and then looked away or gone somewhere else briefly just like you did - tbh I think it's a bit suspicious that your dd managed to behave herself the whole time you were watching then the second you were away hit a much younger child.

Sounds like she can behave herself to avoid getting in trouble.

I don't think you need to cancel her party but equally not sure why you feel so bad about her going to bed upset-she should be upset, she did something really unpleasant and rightly got told off for it.

How would you feel if a thirteen year old boy hit her? Because that's the same age difference.

Well, according to OP she hates not just this little boy but all little boys. As a PP has noted, the views on a 9 year old who 'hated' and hit 5 year old girls would be very different...

If your daughter "hates" this boy then don't let him in the house to play with her!
Yout cant control who they play with in the street but you can in your house, just say no and send him home. You're not the neighbourhood nanny, just because she has some friends round to play doesn't mean everyone else in the street of all ages can come in as well.

If his parents complain just say "I had/have X's kids round because they are a similar age to mine and she's my neighbour so we know each other and are comfortable looking after each others kids. Your son is much younger, Dd has never been round yours and I don't know you so I'm not comfortable being responsible for your child."

Well OP said

I know she hates little boys and finds them annoying

This "hate" and annoyance would bear exploring in general then.

I'm not saying it's OK, but I think giving her space to think about this would be an effective part of dealing with it.

Re the sex/gender issue, no-one can predict what each poster would say if they were reversed that's just daft.

I don't think a 5 year old should play out alone, but that's entirely irrelevant here. You can't shift the focus from your own child's parenting needs by laying the blame on other children/parents for provoking her.

Yes, she might play nicely with the other children. But she's shown you on at least two occasions that she struggles to manage her anger around people that she finds annoying. Obviously there should be consequences for hitting, but it's equally important that you work with her to find strategies that will help her regulate her emotions.

She will encounter annoying people throughout her life. You can absolutely tell this little boy that he can't play in your garden, but you can't protect her from having to deal with annoying people in general. You need to show her how to deal with this fact of life, calmly and without violence, for her own sake.