DD is out of control.

[Abc12351]

So today DD was playing with the neighbours kids (a 7 year old boy and 8 year old girl). DD is 9. She was playing nicely I don’t leave her alone tbh I’m always watching them. It’s a cul-de-sac type street and kids play in the bit of field opposite the houses. I had my 6 year old with me too, I left them alone for 5 minutes at the most to take my little one to the toilet. I came back to screaming and shouting and was told my DD hit another boy who’s 5 years old (he joined when I left). I feel really annoyed that a) I left them alone and b) most importantly she hit him.

we’ve only moved here a year ago and she has started playing with these kids for a month. There been no issues. I often wonder why the parents leave them as it is quite busy with cars and bikes zooming past on one side of the road but it’s fine as I’m always with them.

she’s been told off and she went to bed crying this evening. I’ve explained to her she can’t go around hitting people. Her party is next month and I’m really tempted to just cancel it but I know I won’t.

I’m just really lost on how to handle this tomorrow morning. I’ve spoken to the boys parents and apologised. We also went around and she apologised to the boy,

she’s refusing to play with any of the kids from now on which is a shame as I was finally feeling part of this community. It’s been really lonely for me being on my own with my kids and I feel it’s all spoilt now.

this is not the first time she’s hit people. Last year I took her along to a play date with my son’s friends and she hit both the little boys. Yes they were provoking her I suppose but they were just being little boys by shouting “you can’t get me” they were playing tag and she hit one really hard on the head. Needless to say we were never invited again and this has had an impact on my son’s friendships as it’s a small village school. I just don’t know what to do. I know she hates little boys and finds them annoying. I’ve come up with a checklist for when she gets annoyed but she seems to forget everything when she’s angry.

the neighbours will stop talking up us now won’t they? also I’m not sure why this little boy is always left on his own to play with the older kids - his parents should be there like I am with my son whose same age. I’m annoyed I left her alone with them I should have brought her home with me and then went back,

I think you’re worrying more than you need to. Kids are always getting into little fights. I doubt you’ll be cast out.

I would always wait until bedtime and snuggle up and have a conversation with my kids about the day and what cropped up. They would be relaxed and open up about their rationale for doing certain things and we would discuss better ways of dealing with those events/ things. I’ve never really punished as such, just always talked things through to help their understanding and mine have turned out to be great, respectful kids. I was punished in a strict household as a child and it didn’t help me understand much apart from modelling to me that violence and shouting was the way to solve problems.

Have a good weekend.

But the older kids can be left alone and have never had a fight. I don’t leave my youngest who’s a year older than this boy. If this boy was supervised then the problems wouldn’t occur. I have to pay close attention when he’s around. So yes it is judgement, he’s just 5 years old, he doesn’t understand when he’s being annoying which is normal behaviour FOR a 5 year old but why let him out of the house and not even watch him

So is the post about your daughter’s behaviour or this boy?

You know fully well I was RESPONDING to the comment about judging this boy! Stop being childish obviously it’s about my daughter but as a human being you start to process an event and think about other sides/aspects to it. It’s normal isn’t it? Yes she did wrong but then why is a 5 year old being left to play with much older kids completely unsupervised? That was my point.

So I assume when he walked into your house and started playing roughly with her toys, you firmly told him to cut it out and took him back to his parents? Because I could understand how that would piss off your daughter, regardless of how old the kid is. That doesn't justify hitting but I wouldn't have wanted that child in my space, either.

I've always told mine that they don't have to play with other kids, if they don'twant to. They do have to be kind to them (and not smack them when they are annoying) but they don't have to play, especially when they are much younger.

And yet, you’ve already said further up that she has hit him previously, whilst you were actually supervising, so why his him NOT being supervised this time the issue?

your daughter should know not to hit someone half her age, regardless of who is around.

Yes that’s what happened. I didn’t realise he was even in the house! So my daughter and the 8 year old girl were upstairs in her room colouring and making friendship brackets then I heard screaming. I rushed upstairs and told him to go home and he can’t just walk in. I actually walked him home but I didn’t say anything to the parents I felt awkward. I did jet him play downstairs for 10 minutes or so before taking him as I felt bad for him

No, I don’t, I’m sorry. I’m not being deliberately obtuse or rude, it’s not my style. From what I can see you’ve posted about your DD but most of your posts are just long complaints about the boy being out alone.

What I’m trying to say here is that it isn’t important in this context. Other people will do things you don’t agree with and that’s not really your concern (unless it’s slipped into the sort of category where you need to refer it) but your DD is and I think that is what you need to be focusing on.

She's old enough to know not to hit yes.

But not old enough to develop her own coping mechanisms for frustration and anger without a parent supporting / modelling that.

The ones you as a parent have imparted to date aren't effective if its still a recurring issue. So I'd go back and see what other tools / solutions you cam offer when shes overwhelmed or wants to push back

Id be interested in understanding what led up to the hitting, How she was feeling etc
What she could have done instead?
What would she do differently next time?

Also your title!!! She sounds like a nice popular friendly girl who cant manage her frustration because she doesnt have the tools. She doesnt sound out of control...

I think this morning I’ll have a chat with her and maybe role play previous scenarios involving this boy. I’ll help her come up with a toolkit. Also I think I’m going to stop being so nice to this boy if that makes sense. I often for the sake of peace don’t say anything but from now on if he tries to come into our garden I will say he needs to bring a parent as I can’t keep an eye on them all or maybe something like my DD needs time alone with her friend and he’s welcome to play with DS. He’s always seems to go to my dd rather than ds whose similar age to him

How is your DD with her brother? You say that she has a problem with little boys. Is she jealous of your DS? Could she be taking out her frustration on other little boys?

I do think it is unusual for a child of that age to repeatedly hit much younger children, there is a big difference between 5 and 9. She's hit him twice and the much younger friend of your son's.
I have a 9 year old niece and to be honest can't imagine her hitting anyone let alone someone so much younger, she has disagreements with friends of course, she also has a 6 year old sister so has younger children around a lot and 5/6 year old can be annoying.

@Abc12351what does the boy do before he gets hit? What is the trigger? It isn’t just that he is a 5 year old boy.

there is a 9 year old boy who plays with my kids and he purposely kicks other children really hard in the shins when they play football, especially if they are better than him and he targets kids without shin pads. It is really unpleasant. Other than that specific situation, I believe he is well behaved in school and plays nicely in the playground etc. I really feel like he would benefit from someone explaining about coping with losing.

I will be honest I do avoid him, I often have 4 kids down at the field and it ruins everyone’s day if one of them is hysterically crying. A child I was minding got a horrendous bruise and his mother is really nice but it was awkward to explain.

Tell your DD if the boys comes to play to ask her friend/older girl to play in your garden and remove her from the situation.

Supervise your DS and this boy playing if they are friends.

As for him coming into your house he should have been taken straight back to parents x not playing alone downstairs in your home and explained to them he let himself in. They need to put boundaries in place but so do you.

Your DD at 9 is too old to play with 5 year olds. Stop it.

The thing is the boy wasn’t there when the OP left, so either she was a lot longer than she thought or pretty much the second the boy arrived the DD hit him, which does suggest it was just lashing out at him for pretty much being him rather than any actual injustice occurring.

Your daughter is hitting (and hard) much younger children. You need to stop this.

Your posts are going from addressing her behaviours to blaming the boys concerned.

You are not dealing with the issue.

Like others, I don't know why this has turned into a long diatribe about the boy. She's 9, not 3. She shouldn't be hitting anyone, no matter how annoying they are. The party might not be the appropriate punishment but you need to so something to show you actually think she's in the wrong - I'm sure she's picked up on your ambivalence.

It’s not normal that you constantly supervise your 9 year old. I think it’s related that she hits people when you take your eye off her. You’ll need to wean yourself off this unhealthy dynamic so that she can learn appropriate child-to-child interactions

It sounds like you haven’t taught her appropriate strategies for setting boundaries. You’ve let the little boy in your house even though he’s not welcome, and been afraid to kindly ask him to leave and go back home. Your daughter hasn’t learned that she can vocalise boundaries to this little boy and has resorted to hitting. I think you need to parent her not punish her for your failure to teach her appropriate strategies and tools such as using her voice.

So, your daughtet has hit this little boy twice, you didn't realise another child had wandered into your house and you're concentrating on the fact this 5 year old plays unsupervised?
I'd concentrate on things closer to home, if I were you.

Why are the other parents leaving all the supervision to you? Personally, I’d be tempted to have a chat to them all and work out a rota if you feel the kids need supervision whilst they play and I do understand your concerns about children being outside……..you never know who is lurking around do you.
Sad that your daughter thinks it ok to hit others though, she is old enough to know that it is wrong and old enough to understand that everyone had to tolerate people they don’t particularly like in life.

She’s 9 and you can name 2 times she’s hit people.

once was during a game of tag that sounds like it got a little rough and the other today.

You did the right thing making her apologise and doing the same.

But bare in mind if you go around apologising that your DD is out of control then people will assume this is a long line of daily behaviours where she’s totally out of control rather than the odd occasion she does what children do and lash out because they can’t communicate how they feel at that given moment in time.

I actually think it's more worrying that she seems to be targeting younger children, even if they are annoying she should never lay hands on them. Surely kids of her own age annoy her sometimes so why doesn't she hit them? Presumably because they're just as strong as she is. She's going for younger kids knowing she has the upper hand.

There may be more to this than appears, none of us can tell our whole family story in a short post, but it seems that OP reacted to DD behaviour with anger. None of us like being told off, even as adults, but understanding what went wrong, what we could have done instead etc helps learning, especially as children, when they're trying to understand the world around them and their reaction to the world around them, including possibly annoying little boys.

Absolutely this. She’s NINE, inexcusable. And you say she hates little boys? Well she would be one I would tell my kids not to play with and if I heard a 9yo was hitting younger kids I would absolutely avoid them.
she is far too old to be hitting. I think she needs some firm punishment not wishy washy chats. Take away something from her and tell her that people don’t like children who hit.