MIL & SIL not attending baby shower.

[UnidentifiedToday]

Posting here for traffic.

MIL & SIL didn’t attend my baby shower. No reason given. Neither attended my hen do either. Rarely visit current DD, when they do it’s a social media frenzy of look what we’ve done. When DD was born MIL bought us a baby blanket and bibs. MIL is quick to contact DH for favours. MIL doesn’t buy me birthday presents and I’ve never felt good enough for her son. MIL is not short of money.

Am I being too sensitive in being annoyed by this. I’m fed up of welcoming them in to our home when it suits them. MIL clearly doesn’t like me but can’t even make an effort for the baby.

AIBU to be pissed neither of them attended my baby shower? I wouldn’t be annoyed if this was an isolated incident.

I don’t want to say something to my DH and cause a rift in the family.

Baby showers are just a bit grabby, especially if you’re throwing your own and especially if it’s not your first. You also comment on them not buying you gifts? Do you buy them gifts? Or does your DH buy them gifts from you both?

I understand where you are coming from my MIL is what I describe as a tick box grandma. She visits on the childrens birthday’s, easter and Christmas and gives a gift for each then makes a huge song and dance over it on SM but thats it. She doesnt call or text inbetween to see how they are or offer to see them/look after them etc. We have just come to live with that is how it is.

Dil was upset when I didn't go to her baby shower, until the friend who'd arranged it told her that she didn't think Dil would want her mil there so I hadn't been invited. When Dil and DC got married, Dil made sure her moh included me in the hen do!
I have two wonderful dils and I cannot imagine not buying them birthday gifts. We are very different people, but I love them both and as far as I am concerned, they are family. My family have always remembered my DH on his birthday and at Christmas, so it just seems normal to me.

Cool misogyny.

Why? Not everybody does birthdays. I only know the birthday of one of SIL and that’s because she shares it with my dad

What’s wrong with any of that and why do you think those attitudes are mumsnet specific?

They could make an effort. Treat them as they treat you from now on.
They're rude anyway so won't be a big loss.

If your DH is not bothered having his mom be more part of his life, why are you bothered by it.

It would be worse having them attend when they don’t like you. Be grateful they show little interest.

Why is buying you a birthday present a family obligation.

I’m guessing they expect presents from OP.

How far away do they live? Just asking as a MIL who lives a long way from DS and DIL and who doesn't see their family more than 3 times a year.

If they live a distance away I would assume they will come for when baby arrives rather than a 2 hour tea party or whatever format it was. Were they invited? If so I would have expected them to have at least RSVPd no rather than be a no show.

They are grabby. The games played are often lame and most are rather sexist too

Every time baby showers are mentioned a raft of people who also don’t celebrate birthdays etc insist they’re a new import.

I was 18 when I went to a baby shower for the first time and 46 when I went to the most recent one. I have no concerns if they’re originally American, as I’m not a xenophobe and can deal with new ideas coming from many origins. I don’t attend baby showers held by ‘grabby’ attention seeking divas as of course I do not befriend such people. I didn’t have one myself as they are not really my thing; I have sufficient empathy to accept they matter to some others and to make the small amount of effort required as a result. These things are actually very simply managed
by most people with normal social skills.

It was rude of them not to explain that they can’t attend due to a prior commitment or whatever the reason is. It sounds as though they are perhaps rather rude and not very empathic people? If so you’re not losing anything by their lack of engagement.

This is obviously more than the baby shower/ hen do. I think they’ve made it clear they don’t want a relationship with you OP, which is upsetting if you hoped for more. You can’t change their attitude so I think you need to change your approach to them. When they come round it’s up to your DH to do all the organising and hosting (if he doesn’t already). You make some polite chit chat, have a coffee or lunch but don’t dedicate the whole day to them (maybe use it as an opportunity to have some me time whilst DH entertains the kids and his family). DH is to sort birthday/ Christmas/ Mother’s Day gifts (again if he doesn’t already), and you buy yourself a little treat for your birthday as you don’t get a gift from them (this is what I do as I don’t get gifts from SIL or MIL either). And if the social media posts upset you then DH tells them that you don’t want them to upload things about your kids on social media.

@JHound grabby as in gift giving? It’s a celebration of the bride of or mum to be no different than any other gift giving occasion celebrating a persons milestone event. As for lame and sexist games…well only if both your event planner and game planner are lame and sexist.

They don't like you. Why would mentioning how hurt you feel cause a rift with your DH, are you not allowed feelings about being ignored and avoided?

I adore my MIL she came to my hen and was a blast! Didn’t have baby showers when I had mine but she spoils us all and we reciprocate with pleasure. I think we have a pretty normal relationship. Sorry your in laws are miserable but sounds like you are better off without their company.

Don’t you see them as part of your family? I’m assuming that you don’t currently have grandchildren but surely when that time comes you will want to feel included?
I agree about hen dos and baby showers being for friends and those of similar ages, depending on the activity planned. But that doesn’t mean I don’t give my DiL a card and gift on her birthday and Christmas.

No, I don't really see them as part of my family. I'm sure if/when they have kids, I'll love them.

To my mind, my MiL wasn't my family. We were cordial but never close. She never bought me a birthday present/card which was fine; I'm not sure I ever thought about it. I didn't know when her birthday was because my husband bought her a present and card and signed it from both of us. But she doted on her grandchildren.

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts!

I am clearly just not liked by these people. I’ve been with my DH for 15 years. I feel very much they are my family too as I am my husband’s wife and mother of their grandchildren/ niece. Clearly they don’t feel that way.

To answer some questions.

I normally sort all family birthday gifts so I’ll stop sorting this. Let DH do this.

They live 15 minutes away.

Didn’t attend hen do or baby shower and didn’t respond to text messages from
the person organises these.

First baby was a Covid baby. So no shower.

MIL will ask for floors to be fitted, appliances to be fixed, flat pack furniture to be put up.

I will take your advice and stop hosting them. Then when they do appear I will stop giving these people my time and let DH deal with them.

Thanks everyone.

Yes it’s grabby.

The games are always lame and given most baby showers are women only they are inherently sexist in reinforcing the notion that children / childcare is “women’s business”.

I just wish the UK had not imported this from the USA.

Bridal showers are especially grabby: Hen Do, Wedding AND a shower?! How many celebrations / presents do you need?!

Going by some of the "gifts" that women receive from their ILs, you shouldn't let the lack of them bother you, OP.
In your shoes, for the sake of your DH I would be polite and welcoming to them for the occasional visit to your home. I wouldn't be making a big effort with food or hospitality, though. Let your DH sort that.