MIL & SIL not attending baby shower.

[UnidentifiedToday]

Posting here for traffic.

MIL & SIL didn’t attend my baby shower. No reason given. Neither attended my hen do either. Rarely visit current DD, when they do it’s a social media frenzy of look what we’ve done. When DD was born MIL bought us a baby blanket and bibs. MIL is quick to contact DH for favours. MIL doesn’t buy me birthday presents and I’ve never felt good enough for her son. MIL is not short of money.

Am I being too sensitive in being annoyed by this. I’m fed up of welcoming them in to our home when it suits them. MIL clearly doesn’t like me but can’t even make an effort for the baby.

AIBU to be pissed neither of them attended my baby shower? I wouldn’t be annoyed if this was an isolated incident.

I don’t want to say something to my DH and cause a rift in the family.

I think it takes time to build the relationship of DIL & MIL and sometimes that’s harder if there’s a SIL (MILs daughter) because the daughter role is already fulfilled. Do they always come as a pair or do you tend to see them separately as well?
it sounds like either they’re uncertain of you or they’re focused on their own lives and you’re only ever on the periphery of their thoughts.

I never once sent my MIL a card for any reason, and she didn't send one to me. I couldn't tell you what month her birthday was either. We just weren't close and had nothing in common apart from the fact that I'd married her son.

I didn't need (or want) her to love me. That doesn't mean I was unpleasant to her or treated her badly - I supported her and visited her in hospital multiple times, and she helped us out too - but we weren't friends and neither of us saw the need in pretending otherwise.

Not everyone wants a close relationship with their in-laws - that doesn't make them wrong or bad people.

I think it’s a good thing that they didn’t attend the baby shower and aren’t demanding to see your child as you don’t need the negativity. Ban them from posting about your child on social media.

And say what 'you have to tell them they have to come to my events' they are their own pwoplw with their own thoughts and feelings, if thry wanted to go they would

Some people say they are marrying the partner not their family but unless they want something from the in-laws that is

I’m quite fond of my MIL, and I’d say I’ve had maybe two birthday/Christmas presents from her in 30 years, and from what I vaguely remember, one of them was a Boots toiletries set. She has no idea when my birthday is. She in no way treats me like a bad smell, I’m just not someone she gets. Which is fine — we’re very different people. I certainly don’t see it as her job to like me! She’s too tactless to have ever concealed that she’d have much preferred DH to marry his previous girlfriend, but I can still appreciate the energy and determination it took to raise five kids, including DH, in poverty.

Well quite…Google Chardonnay Wilson!! Now that was a baby shower!!!!

Hen dos and baby showers are for close family and best friends. I wouldn't necessarily expect in-laws to come, particularly if you don't have a close relationship with them.

As for not getting birthday presents from your MIL, count yourself lucky as I've had some truly awful gifts from my MIL over the years including a tea towel, an ironing board cover and one of those novelty toilet seats 😂

I appreciate some people don't do 'adult' birthdays - but I find the idea of not knowing nor acknowledging birthdays of partners /DIL /SIL or MILs odd.

I may be missing the point but I didn't think anyone did baby showers for second children. I have only seen people have them for first children as normally they can continue to use any gifts received for the first children for the second.

But we're not friends - they just happen to people my DH is related to.

I find it even more odd that people buy presents for people they have no relationship with other than via marriage.

Mumsnet cracks me up. MIL’s are either involved too much or not involved at all!

Baby Showers are tacky and grabby ( especially for a 2nd baby ) maybe she has better things to do with her weekends??

Or maybe it's because the people who rub along perfectly well with their MILs and have nothing to vent about or ask for advice don't tend to post?

What would they be saying? "MIL came over today, she was kind to the children and appreciative of me. She helped the right amount, stayed just long enough, and we'll probably see her again after whatever interval of time suits us all"?? Hold the front page!!!!

You can be pissed OFF, about people not coming to what is a totally lame and pointless event, but if they don’t like you in the first place, why not just shut up and be thankful they didn’t come and ruin your day

No, you're not. Pregnancy hormones are a thing, of course, but much as misogynistic parlance tries to claim any upset woman is being 'hysterical', they don't tend to make people irrational. You're feeling like this because of the clear indication you're receiving of the nature of your relationship, and I don't think that YABU. Your posts tend to suggest an established pattern. In this case the only thing to do is remain cordial but match the energy they put into the relationship.

Start leaving all contact to DH. Let him exchange the texts and manage the relationship between your DC and his family. He's excited to welcome them into his home, which is fine. Be civil to them, but ensure that any hosting will be his responsibility. He can cook, clean the house beforehand, and make tea. Let him buy any future birthday presents, maintain any WhatsApp groups with photos of the baby, etc. They're DH's family, so the onus for maintaining that relationship is on him.

The arrival of a new baby is a perfect time to put in place some much-needed precedents that can only make your own life easier. Don't let anyone tell you that it isn't absolutely fine to do this. Women are not service bots programmed to do Wife Work. Men are just as capable of doing these things.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

It sounds like you're American, OP.*
Are your MIL and SIL from the UK? If so, that might explain things. We don't have baby showers here in the UK like you do in the States: for many people, they seem a bit "grabby" which is not a very British thing.

*(apologies if I'm wrong, but I inferred that from the fact that you're having a baby shower and the way that you used the American term "pissed" instead of the British term "pissed off").

I agree with this and @SpanThatWorld - I have no interest in baby showers or hen do's, and I know I am not alone. In the end in-laws are random people related to someone you chose. You didn't choose them and they didn't choose you, but that doesn't mean they dislike you. Equally, some families aren't all over each other, and that is their normal. You can't complain that they both never come to visit but are also fed up of welcoming them into your home. Nor that they are both not making an effort to be part of your partners life but are also quick to ask for favours which implies they are asking too much of him.

Whether they have money or not is irrelevant - that honestly makes it sound like your actual gripe is not that they didn't come to your baby shower but that they failed to buy you something (which, in all honesty, is half the point of baby showers - we never needed them in the past and in my view they are simply another American imported gift giving excuse).

No my in laws haven't bought me a birthday present and my Mum hasn't bought my partner one either.

A nice bit of Mumsnet Bingo on this thread today:

✅ baby showers are tacky/grabby/American
✅nobody is as interested in your baby as you are
✅ just because you created a home with their son and gave birth to their grandkids, you aren't their family, in fact you're no more relevant to them than any stranger on the street
✅ it's weird for in-laws to take any interest in each other. And that goes for the grandkids too.
✅ knowing the birthdays of your friends and family is pathetic. Celebrating them even worse.
✅ MILs can't do right for doing wrong. You complain when they take no interest and yet then you complain when they demand to have your 8-week-old for sleepovers and secretly feed it solids. What other options does that leave????

No it doesn’t sound silly but who is telling you that you should welcome them? It’s the resentment that is the killer. Only give as much as you can, match their energy.

I am American and I can tell you bridal and baby showers are not lame pointless or grabby. A shower for a second baby is called a sprinkle. These events may not be a typical uk party but I sense they do indeed mean something to the OP.

Mil and Sil choose not to attend. You cannot make people like you or want to celebrate your milestones or simply be with you. For some reason which may be “lame and pointless” they don’t want to see you. It’s hurtful but not necessarily something you can fix.
PP are correct ….match their energy and have DH entertain them. Be polite but don’t engage in a pick me dance with these 2.

I hosted a gorgeous bridal shower last weekend. It started at 10 am and the last guests left at 10pm. The bride is beloved by the family and we all enjoyed celebrating with her and visiting with each other. Guests were from 6! Different states. That said…very close cousins of the bride…one didn’t even bother to open her E- vite and the other declined immediately. Her MIL attended but no one else from grooms side. Someone people got on a plane and flew in and some couldn’t even tap to open an emailed invitation.

Sometimes it’s hard to figure out why people don’t want attend but it’s usually them not you

Alternatively, you could call it a list of things that are true. One of the things about humans is that they don't all think/act alike despite some people thinking they should.

By your second last sentence, do you mean that you wouldn't give any birthday gifts to grandchild until they're 18?

I'd gift them money into a bank account every year.

My MIL buys me both Xmas and birthday gifts. Probably to the same value of her DS. I didn't invite on my hen party and didn't have baby showers.

As far I know MIL does this for all 3 kids and their partners.

We also buy all grandparents equally whether they are my parents or his.