MIL & SIL not attending baby shower.

[UnidentifiedToday]

Posting here for traffic.

MIL & SIL didn’t attend my baby shower. No reason given. Neither attended my hen do either. Rarely visit current DD, when they do it’s a social media frenzy of look what we’ve done. When DD was born MIL bought us a baby blanket and bibs. MIL is quick to contact DH for favours. MIL doesn’t buy me birthday presents and I’ve never felt good enough for her son. MIL is not short of money.

Am I being too sensitive in being annoyed by this. I’m fed up of welcoming them in to our home when it suits them. MIL clearly doesn’t like me but can’t even make an effort for the baby.

AIBU to be pissed neither of them attended my baby shower? I wouldn’t be annoyed if this was an isolated incident.

I don’t want to say something to my DH and cause a rift in the family.

Baby showers are the latest grabby American import - I'd decline an invite to one of those too. I would ask son and DIL what they might need/like for baby, or give vouchers toward something larger if they liked.
I'm not keen on hen nights per se, so I'd decline an invite, but would give you something toward your meal/for drinks.
I'm not into adult present giving - I'd wish you happy birthday, but that's it (and I'd expect the same in return).
I'd get a small new baby gift, and at birthdays would put money away for them, to be gifted at 18.
I'd do this whether we 'clicked' or not.

I agree - the gender reveal, baby shower thing is such a US import. I find it all a bit tacky, but if I didn’t like someone and they’re not keen on me I’d be grateful they didn’t show.

also - not fussed on gift receiving from all and sundry either, I just wouldn’t get bent out of shape about this @UnidentifiedToday

I think the important part is - did you invite them and did they accept? If yes they are incredibly rude and I don’t blame me for being upset and would definitely raise it with DH. If however they didn’t get an explicit invite they may well have assumed it was just something for your girlfriend’s. I’m not overly keen on baby showers And thankfully they weren’t around when my children were young so if I saw someone having one, I would assume it was just for their friends unless I got an explicit invitation

You are not being unreasonable as it sounds as though your MIL is one of those performative grandparents, so doesn't provide any help or support but takes pictures and posts on social media in a 'look at what a fantastic grandmother I am' sort of way. That must be really annoying.

What favours do she ask for?

No not all. I have a budget for presents, £125 for Christmas and birthdays and it is the same for my kids, their partners and my GC.

Is your SIL struggling with infertility?

Just like to agree here. Baby showers to me are an American import and maybe people aren't familiar with the idea. It's not that long ago that people didn't make a big celebration till the baby was safely arrived. Honestly, let it go. Baby showers and Hen nights are far from everyone's thing anyway. Better they don't come than sit there looking glum.

The poster that doesn't know when her DIL's birthdays are is pretty unusual. I know the dates of my DILs' birthdays and buy them cards and presents. That completely detached attitudde to your children's spouses/partners isn't one I have ever heard of before.

I wouldn’t be annoyed. They’ve never given you any reason to think they would behave differently. I think your expectations are far too high for people who have never made an effort with you or your children.
Why keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Accept this is how it will always be and adjust accordingly. If them never turning up is a pattern then never expect them to turn up. Don’t even invite them if you don’t want them there. What can they say? Why weren’t we invited? “Oh SIL and MIL, I just didn’t think it was your thing. You didn’t come to x,y,z so I just assumed you weren’t interested in these events”.

Honestly, if they are so detached, just match their energy. Don't do any of the 'wife work' of sending cards and presents and inviting them to your house. If your DH invites them, don't do any of the hosting, don't make drinks or food and stay upstairs with the baby. Tell them that you don't want pictures of your baby on social media.

Is your DH just grateful for any attention from them?

No your not being silly. Just do the bare minimum when they come they should be running around after you just carry on with your day as normal and treat there visit as them dropping in. Don't go out of your way

Baby showers are a gift grab and you’re annoyed she doesn’t buy you a birthday present.

Do you her invite her to events/meals out etc where she doesn’t have to buy you stuff or make you centre of attention?

My Mum was a great MIL, she wouldn’t miss a birthday of either my brother’s partners or their children (not my brother’s children). She wasn’t overbearing but they always wanted to meet up with my Mum even after they’d split up 😅

My MIL can burn in hell. She’s one of the worst people I’ve ever met. And that’s not just my opinion, the only family left in contact with her is her own Mum who can’t abandon her because “she’s the monster I created” were her words 🙁

I think you need to accept that, for whatever reason, you and your children aren’t a priority to your MIL/SIL and it isn’t your job to fix that. See it as their loss and don’t let it take up anymore headspace. This is who they are, it’s not because of who you are x

I buy for my DILs, I know their birthdays. I buy for niece, her husband and kids. I even buy for my DILs parents as I’m friends with them. But I don’t swap presents with friends.

You are not being unreasonable OP in that these people should welcome you and treat you with respect (assuming of course you haven’t done anything to upset them) and it is annoying they don’t- but revel in the fact that they don’t make the effort. Take it from me that it’s much worse when people who dislike you won’t leave you alone so as to get to your DH and DC. Choose to spend time with those who love you and vice versa, whether they be family or friends, and let these people be.

I don’t think YABU to be a bit upset, but they are making it clear where their priorities lie. No need to take it personally though and cause drama, just match their energy.

I’d be leaving all of the management of the relationship to DH, of course they are welcome at the house but he does all the cleaning/ tidying/ hosting and you just have a quick cup of tea and get on with your day. If they want to see the kids your DH sorts it. If it’s their birthday/ Christmas, DH remembers and buys/ wraps things and you just sign a card. If he forgets, so be it.

Just treat them pleasantly as distant acquaintances and live your own life.

Yes, it is pregnancy making you overly sensitive/reactive to this. That's not a bad thing, just something it's worth being aware of. Things will not always be as they are now. Every time a new baby enters a family, there's a seismic shift. Relationships change. People are moving into new roles as relatives to the baby and don't yet know what that's going to look like. It's a learning curve and not everyone handles it well, and that includes the wider family.

I don't get bday presents from DH's family (but then I don't get them from my family either).

One thing I did want to say, though, is that there may be things happening for SIL and MIL that you're not aware of. We were the first in the family to have kids. SIL and MIL were both extremely distant. What we didn't know was that SIL, who is much older than DH, was struggling with infertility at the time, was very upset that her younger sibling had got there first, and MIL was bearing the brunt of it. We also spent months listening to MIL moan that she was too young to be a grandmother. It was a mess. Their behaviour has got better, but it took a long time.

don’t want to say something to my DH and cause a rift in the family. @UnidentifiedToday

Surely he knows they didn't come to the baby shower? What are his thoughts on it?

They sound awful, so rude and like mean girl bullies.

You're not being too sensitive, they are not nice people. Don't welcome them, next time they are due to visit leave it all to your DH. Go out for a few hours, even if you sit in a cafe reading a book.

Stop welcoming then. Leave DH to it, if he wants them there, he cooks and runs after them.

Does DH make effort with your family?

This.

I think you are going to have to accept that neither your MIL or SIL like you, and therefore they are never going to attend events like a hen-do or baby shower, that revolve around you. So don't expect them to turn up at your next big birthday event. They simply aren't interested in you. Yes, you have every right to be annoyed and upset, but look upon it, that it's better to not have negative people at your important events. If their dislike for you, prevents them from engaging with your children, that is purely on them, not you. Your children (or you) aren't to blame for their negativity and poor behaviour. It's better for you, that these people aren't trying for appearance sakes, because it's tedious and you'd know it wasn't genuine. You can acknowledge to your husband that you are aware your MIL and SIL don't like you, and they avoid events because of you, and it effects them interacting with your children. Your husband can't be that stupid that he's not aware his own Mum and sister dislike you. I suspect he chooses to ignore it, because it's easier. However, he should say to his Mum and sister 'You may not like X, and that's your choice. Avoiding our children because you don't like their Mum is hurtful and disrespectful to them and me'. 'You have also made a poor job of hiding your dislike, because X is very much aware of it, but don't worry she won't be inviting you to anything else'.

I don’t see the issue. They aren’t your friend.
You are merely married to their son / brother.

Sounds fine to me - baby showers seem presumptuous and are US culture and I’d much rather have a card and present when the baby is born.
You do welcome them into your home as it’s the right thing to do as they’re your partners family. Just be glad your contact is fairly limited!

YABU not to talk to your DH.

At last, a woman with a brain in her head.

I’ve DS’s. They have partners. I know when their birthdays are, I buy them presents they want, I know their parents and I show them that I am interested in and care about them. I’m not overbearing, I’m just a normal person. I am very close to my DC and if they love someone, well that’s an extra person for me to love too.

Only idiots treat their DCs partners like this. If you don’t want to be part of your DS’s life, and get to see your DGC, crack on treating your DIL like a bad smell. You are a fool.

I have a MIL who is disinterested in me. It hurt for a long time, but now I don’t care. Now she’s 80+ she’s trying to be nice to me. I’m not interested.

OP, don’t do anything for them. Let your DH do all the entertaining and the work. Breeze in, say hi, and breeze out. Live your life with no obligation to them. Just focus on your DH, your DC and your own friends and family. Build that network.