Friend’s feral teenage son

[Vanishedwillow]

This, basically. My friend’s teenage son (15) is awful to her. He hits her, calls her every swear word you can imagine, says she should have been drowned at birth and worse. He comes from a loving, two parent family home and is just as bad to his dad. He has chased her around the house with a knife and I’m worried she’ll end up dead. The problem is, she’s never given him boundaries and even now, today, after being kicked out of school for bad behaviour, she’s giving him a lift! I keep saying he needs consequences but she just says there’s no point, it never makes any difference. I’m so frustrated with her!

You can take that from what I said if you want. It wasn’t meant like that though. You know what they say, you met one person with autism you’ve met one person with autism (although actually my daughter is also autistic and isn’t violent either).

I hate the thought of people finding out my children are autistic and assuming they’re violent or dangerous because they are not. A lot of work has gone into my son including from him to manage his behaviour and reactions to things, mostly from him, but also from me and his stepdad and the staff at his special school. He used to lash out a lot but is much better. I am aware how lucky our family
is that we’ve had that support.

He has never had rules, boundaries and consequences so this is him now. She will need to call police when he attacks her, and refer herself to social services .

No it doesn’t.
attacking your mum either a knife is NOT related too either.

I don’t think I suggested ‘a slap’ or anything of the sort. If you read my post after the one you quoted (I waited too long to edit my original one) I give further suggestions of lived experiences.

What I would have liked to edit my original post to was: It isn’t - without further supporting evidence - necessarily ASD or ADHD either’.

i know, my sister is medicated for her ADHD but has autism aswell

What evidence do you base this on?

Inworked with adolescents for 25 years. Southport killer attacked with a knife. He had ASD. Brianna Grey was attacked with a knife. One of her killers had ASD. The majority of the prison population is ND. Presumably some of them are in for violent crimes.

The anxiety can be so extreme in some ASD cases that they become aggressive.

Did you work with adolescents for 25 years?

l have an Audhd daughter. She isn’t aggressive. But she has terrible anxiety and meltdowns. We manage her. But some
kids are more badly affected.

Some really interesting insights here. I don’t want to abandon her, but I will continue to encourage her to call the police and seek further guidance. I do believe her and her husband’s lack of boundaries and unwillingness to ever challenge him has led them to this - ND or not. It could well be that he has ADHD and/or Autism, but they’ve always taken the path of least resistance and that surely can’t have helped. Perhaps it’s not that easy. I’m just very scared for all of their futures.

Here’s another way of looking at it.

Maybe his response to challenges or boundaries was so extreme that his parents became afraid to do it anymore.

My dd is AUDHD. She isn’t violent or aggressive, but challenges cause a lot of drama and upset. I dread them.

Even at 3 years old?

No it doesn’t, it sounds like male violence. Absolutely sick of people lazily dumping any shitty behaviour on the doorstep of people with ASD and ADHD.

My dd was exhausting at 3. Just exhausting. I had outside intervention for her.

But that was only 1 afternoon a week. And yes, l did let things go which should have been challenged because the fall out of the challenge would have been too much to cope with. Especially if it was later in the day, as l would already have fielded several other problems.

ND don’t react like NT. They find challenges and boundaries can increase their dystegulation. No form of discipline ever worked for my dd ever. It just made her worse. And we tried everything. What did work was rewards.

How do? Asking as mom of a nd child, could use advice thanks.

The son hasn’t grown up kn a violent household. Violence often begets violence.

He’s grown up with 2 parents who seem love him, although are ineffectual.

How often is ‘male violence’ targeted at parents? Not very often.

Plenty of violent males are from loving households. Plenty of sons attack their parents. Pack it in with the ableism.

I’ve rarely heard of any done attackonh parwnts. The odd one here and there.

Ableism? Why would l be talking about ableism? I have 2 ND dc

How so, sorry.

Wasn't the Southport killer's attack pre-meditated? i don't think in his case his ASD was a trigger.

That said, I am aware that ASD can present as impulsive violent outbursts. perhaps the OP' s son does have a ND issue. it could be. or it could be that he is a knob, or it could be early onset of a mental health issue. Yes, im aware that most people with SMI aren't violent to others but many are. Im not an expert on ND, but I do have experience with SMI. including PD, bipolar etc. Without an assessment we cannot be sure.

Yes it was. But he didn’t go to school and spent all his time alone on his computer. This can be the case with ND.

So it was premeditated and he is evil, but if he’d not been sat alone in his bedroom planning stuff on a computer for 4 years would it still have happened? If he had had friends and gone to school?

Its a spectrum

You clearly have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Stop linking neurodivergence with violence, please.

You appear to have no idea what you’re talking about.

I have 2 ND dc and spent all my life working with teens both NT and ND.

Its an open forum and l will say whatever l want.

Things that have helped me ‘know what l’m talking about’
PREVENT training
Safeguarding training
ND training
Confidrntial disclosures
Parental conversations
Case history meetings
SEND meetings
Controbutions to police and court reports.

What’s your background?

Interesting. So maybe it was linked then. It is such a sad case because the news reports suggested his parents had tried everything to get him help. It seems like maybe he fell through the net though, if the authorities couldn't keep him in school. Of course, Southport is a deprived area.I guess resources are limited.

It sounds like ASD or ADHD.

No it sounds like a violent out of control teenager who has never had consequences for their behaviour.

Yes it is. The Plymouth killer was ASD too.

I mean it’s rare, and all the ASD kids that have passed through my hands bar a few have been absolutely lovely.

And there is currently a thread about an ASD female 16 years old attacking male friends with violence atm on here.

How could any father worth his salt have not given him a good hiding?!