Friend’s feral teenage son

[Vanishedwillow]

This, basically. My friend’s teenage son (15) is awful to her. He hits her, calls her every swear word you can imagine, says she should have been drowned at birth and worse. He comes from a loving, two parent family home and is just as bad to his dad. He has chased her around the house with a knife and I’m worried she’ll end up dead. The problem is, she’s never given him boundaries and even now, today, after being kicked out of school for bad behaviour, she’s giving him a lift! I keep saying he needs consequences but she just says there’s no point, it never makes any difference. I’m so frustrated with her!

Um with knives?

No l can’t. There were some who were violent after leaving, but l don’t recall anyone getting excluded for attacking someone with a knife. If they had a knife but didn’t use it they were also excluded.

I think there was one boy. Who wasn’t ADHD. He was a strange lad though.

I don't believe in armchair diagnosis but I do believe in getting people help. Those saying he couldn't possibly have X or Y diagnosis because it doesn't match their experience are just as bad as those suggesting he does have X or Y. Only a few days ago a colleague told me of a boy she knows who tried to rape his mother, he has the same diagnosis as my gentle loving boy. I didn't dismiss the diagnosis, of course it's possible they both have this in common, people are vastly different even with common diagnoses.

Whatever he has whether its MH ND or just nasty behaviour, he needs professional help asap, in the form of psychological support or medication if necessary. I really hope they intervene strongly and sort this out before someone gets hurt.

Just stop with the Dr Google bog standard excuse for everyone with truly disgraceful, rude, abusive, and deviant behaviour.
Did you ever consider that it could be down to sloppy, can’t be bothered soft parenting?
Im a medical lead consultant, guess what? I won’t put up with this shitty attention seeking behaviour anymore. If it’s on the patient records that’s one thing, but if you seriously think I’m going to listen to a parent tell me their little Sid Vicious has ADHD in their opinion. After he’s just spat in my face off the fuck they can go, and off my list as well.

I was a secondary school teacher for 25 years. I met thousands of teenage boys. It’s not normal behaviour for them.

Whats being a medical lead consultant got to do with anything?

It really pisses me off. My teenage son has both ASD and ADHD and while he’s not perfectly behaved all of the time he isn’t a violent person. He certainly doesn’t say vile things to people and chase them with knives! I’m not saying it’s not possible for someone to behave like that and be on the spectrum but imo and experience it’s not because they are ND.

It must be hard OP to see someone you care about go through this but also put up with it. But there is really nothing you can do except maybe take a step back if you’re struggling with this situation.

He needs help. So do his family. OP is right that earlier would have been better.

Did you mean to quote me here? I’ve never mentioned ADHD or autism. She hasn’t said he has either, as far as I know he’s never been tested.

He hasn’t always been aggressive, no. I’ve know him since he was 3, and he was always lively, v attention seeking and she sort of indulged that. The aggression has come in and got gradually worse over the past few years.

I'm sure it might if I only had experience with one autistic child who didn't get into fight or flight mode and just shut down when overwhelmed instead.
But not all autistic children react to being overwhelmed in the same way.
It may not be the cause, but it also is fairly likely it could be.

Lucky you
do you think my son behaved that way because I’m a shit parent?
his brothers have the same parents and parenting

it’s a spectrum

I have to step away and hide this thread, it is the greatest achievement of my life parenting this amazing boy, advocating for him, fighting for him

it also caused me horrendous trauma

maybe this mum is shit
maybe this boy is shit

NT people with perfect backgrounds and parents behave like this

ND children generally don’t

but the pompous self importance of posters who have not had my experience, espousing that it can’t possibly be anything to do with autism, it’s incredibly offensive

I have never excused my son, but I knew there was a reason, and he is spectacular now, because I refused to just label him as psycho/ needs a slap/evil/just bad/shit parenting

and I was right

This isnt normal.

When I read this
"He comes from a loving, two parent family home"

i thought uh-huh.... and then we got to the issue

"The problem is, she’s never given him boundaries"

Your misogyny is showing a bit there presumably THEY never gave him boundaries.

The police should have been called after the knife incident.

Amazing post.

So little understanding in here.

The child was lively and demanding at 3. First sign.

Yet again. ND make uo majority of the prison population. He’s not a psychopath. He’s a child with a severe anxiety and brain disorder. The anxiety is driving his violent behaviour.

I think you’re making this very personal to you. You have the experience you have. That’s fine and obviously influences your thoughts on this thread because maybe you’ve experienced some if the behaviour the OP describes. But surely you can appreciate that others’ opinions on the thread will be from their own experiences too.

You’re assuming that other posters have no experience of ND, you have no idea if that’s true though. Maybe they have a meek, mild mannered, shy ND child who can barely make eye contact and therefore that makes their opinion of this violent, abusive behaviour different to yours. While you have your perspective, they have theirs.

I can’t see anyone saying it can’t possibly be ND in this case. None of us know enough to make a guess; it’s all just speculative. He might be ND, he might just be a nasty piece of work who’s been spoiled rotten since he was born. Maybe it’s something else.

Are you referring to the OP’s ‘s son in the last paragraph?

If so, that’s nothing more than a stab in the dark judgment you’re making.

l was referring to the son of the op’s friend,

In PDA anxiety can be so severe it drives extreme behaviour. Some one else called him a psychopath, or he had shit parents. Are they not shots in the dark too?

Thank you, I’ve probably overreacted to this post, and I’m very well aware that an awful lot of autistic children do not present with violence

i also used to sometimes hate him, the constant exclusions, being ostracised by other mums, every Friday with my baby being told by the head how shit he was

I would have done ANYTHING for him to experience a normal, happy childhood

so to suggest I should have tried harder is so frustrating

if he wasn’t being so hugely impacted, and he wasn’t causing so many problems for other children, I wouldn’t have pursued diagnosis. I needed specialist help and he got it

I had a doctor agree to a late term abortion when I was pregnant with DS3, because she could see how horrendous the whole situation was. It was absolutely awful, but much worse was the constant fear he would commit suicide because he hated the behaviour himself

i didn’t terminate, Ds3 is now 18

eveyone can have their views, I’ve always agreed autism is not an excuse, and other children have a right to education and safety

but don’t EVER tell me autisc children do not present like this boy

From the PDAsociety website

Definitely. It’s all speculative when we know a tiny fraction of the story from a third party who also has limited access to the story.

With the shit parents view, I think the OP agrees that they’ve been miles off it.

Yep, could have nipped it in the bud years ago

I agree with this. Being passive and making excuses is lazy. I also agree that there is probably some other comorbid domestic issue at play.
even if you don’t give a shit about your own child you have a duty to ensure their behaviour isn’t impacting other people. You can’t just ignore it

child to adult aggression is so misunderstood, having actually had some professional help with this I look at all these posts about poor parenting and this child being a little shit and I just cringe. Not helpful at all, deeply misguided. Highly recommend your friend contacts https://capafirstresponse.orgb who are incredible and will actually help.

Anonymously report it to the police and let the school and social services confidentially and ask them not to reveal your name. It's important that external authorities are aware in case something awful happens.

She called them once and he fell to the floor in tears and pretended to have a panic attack, then as soon as she cancelled them coming, stood back up and told her never to pull that shit again.

Since we are armchair diagnosing. Maybe he has ASPD?

This isn't just a parenting issue. Well, they should have done the parenting 15years again and gotten him the help he needed. Only thing you can do is support hour friend and contact the authorities (like child services).

Apologies, this was meant for a different poster!

I think until he does something that lands him in prison, his parents, though loving, will not face up to their lack of effective parenting. Even then, you hear of cases on the news where parents stick up for their sons even after they've done something terrible, or say something like, oh, I never saw it coming. 🙄 I say that as someone who has had a relatively easy teenager to deal with, so I don't know the struggles this woman is going through.

As for saying he's ND, stop that nonsense.