To think it’s not ok for Dh to nip out to the shop

[Istillhaventfoundwhatiwaslookingfor]

I work aa few evenings a week for a couple of hours.
As soon as Dh gets home, I go and he takes over looking after Dd, 7 years old.
Once a week, she generally goes to her neighbour friends house to play. We either walk round to get her or the mum drops her, we don’t have set times and all very casual. When i’m home, if Dd goes to play there, I don’t go anywhere unless she needs to come back or the mum walks her round and I’m not there..,usually the mum just says bye to her and Dd comes in the house herself through the patio door.
Yesterday she went to this friend’s house, Dh came home and I was leaving and said Dd was at friends house. He asked if I had any change as was going to nip to the shop, I said Dd might come back at any time, so he couldn’t as I obviously wouldn’t be there (plus, Dh nipping to the shop isn’t a 5 minute job like when I go)
He got confused and a bit peed off and said he wouldn’t be long. I ended up saying i’d have to stay at home while he went then as Dd could nip
back for anything. He huffed and I went as was late then for work.
He obviously then didn’t go, but Aibu to think it’s irresponsible that he even considered it?

YANBU. Cigarettes can wait.

So if you're at work and your dd came home from friends house to find sadly her dad has died would she know what to do?

This is insane.

Poor guy just wants to go to the shop while his daughter is on a play date.

The daughter is walked back by a supervising adult, surely she wouldn’t leave her there if the house was empty and locked. Even less so if the dad had died, which is frankly the most ridiculous escalation I’ve read on MN (at least today).

I knew that smoking kills, but I didn't realise it was as quick as that.

This. There is such an obvious solution.

How ? If the shop is 5 minutes away ? How big is the shop ?.
TBH when I was 7 I was nipping to the shop, could he have left a note ? Assuming 7 year old is NT and can read ?

I get it. It’s not about the waves, it’s only partially about the cigarettes.
It about being the only fucking grown up in the room, yet again.
Having a vagina doesn’t mean we’re more aware of danger, in the same way, having a vagina doesn’t mean we’re better at cleaning or laundry or hoovering or whatever.
You know what, we learned how to do this shit, so we didn’t end up living in an untidy, dirty space. Not because we have vaginas and thrive on it..
I might disagree with your level of concern/desire to have your kid watched. I literally don’t know about this stuff or what’s appropriate because I am child free.
But, I hear what you are saying beneath.
Why, why, why, don’t they give the same amount of shit we do?

That's not the point. The point is that he should have the number of the friend's mother in case of an emergency. The fact that he doesn't have it, and you were late for work rather than just giving him the f'ing number shows that you wanted to control him and make him wait to go and get cigarettes until you got home.

You and your DH need some communication lessons. He needs to learn that going to the store is going to the store and not a sightseeing trip that takes an hour. You need to learn that not everything can be your way and your rules.

As long as he checked with neighbour first I can’t see the issue

Nope

😅

Plus what @AnnoyedAsAllHeck said.

It's responsible to teach your daughter what to do if you're not there. You know, like in an emergency when something unplanned happens and you have no choice?

Tell him to buy his fags on the way home.
I wouldn’t want a 7 year old coming back to an empty house either.
But the easiest solution is to make sure your dh has the contact information of where his 7 year old is then he can let them know he is popping out, and make sure it is only popping out, not an hour on the beach contemplating his naval.

YADNBU. She's not formally "at a friend's" she's playing nearby at their house. It's the same as if they were playing outside on a (safe) street, you are still responsible for being there. We live on a compound atm and my kid is always roaming around and in and out of the other residents' houses (we know them all) which is fine, but unless I have actually arranged for another parent to be responsible for him I would never go out and DH wouldn't either. Your DH is just so thrilled to make his responsibilities another woman's problem isn't he.

Nah.

This is where these kind of playdates are really inconvenient as they don't benefit anyone. It sounds like both houses have to be on alert for children popping back at any time, meaning no one can use the time to get things done.

I don't agree with your husband wanting to go to the shops to buy cigarettes, but I don't think he is wrong in wanting to use the time DD is supposedly at a playdate to do something else.

I would want to have a more formal arrangement of the neighbours child being at mine til a certain time and no back and forth, and vice versa knowing the next time my DD would be at their house until a certain time. This flexible arrangement only works in you have people at home sat around with nothing to do. I would be even annoyed at just starting to do a household job (making a meal, getting the iron out) to then have to stop as they want to go to the other house briefly.

did he ask for the number, or does the op have to carefully hold his hand and step him through basic parenting?

Have the two of you considered communicating with your DD friends mum? Surely there doesn’t need to be a huge drama about things like this………just explain to the woman ‘popping to the shop, can you keep xxxx at yours until I’m back home?’ She might actually need a similar favour someday.
Do stop bickering with one another, grow up and communicate!

A normal adult would be perfectly able to nip out to the shop and have the initiative to text the other parent to let them know without involving you. This is a weird thing for two parents to need to discuss or argue over.

It sounds like you have some deeper frustrations going on with your relationship and him not really being capable of parenting on his own.

I think DH can make reasonable judgments on popping to the shop and you didn’t need to stay back.

you are DDs mum not his it was a bit heavy handed.

You could’ve spoken about it afterward and made sure he had neighbours number. But I assume if he’s home alone he’s not going to take e the piss and be gone for an extra long amount of time as he knows he had to be home for DD

He needs to have all numbers for DDs pals and send messages. It's not a big deal. I used to do it all the time and other parents would do the same, you just tell the kids not to go home for 30 mins or whatever. I agree he shouldn't do it without checking. Or at worst he could leave a note for her to say he was gone out so she wouldn't be upset coming home to an empty house

@Moonnstars if there is open communication it can work much better than formal play dates though. Local kids go home to eat and sometimes to use the toilet so when they are about the house it's easy get jobs done, you're not hosting as such. I work term time only and we had this type of arrangement and it was very easy. When playing out front you just keep an eye out, then when they are moving you walk with them or let them off depending on age, and msg other parent to say they are gone to the next house/green/ tree etc. Drop offs for other kids or trips to the shop are easily done, just a quick msg or knock on the door. It benefits everyone but 100% depends on constant open communication between all parents.

YANBU. We have this set up with our neighbours and I always let the other parents know if I’m popping out. If DH is in charge he knows to do the same and he has their number. I do sometimes need to remind him to communicate with the other parents clearly as he can be a bit absent minded and there have been occasional mishaps but our kids know what to do if this happens (go back to the neighbours’ house and ask them to contact us to find out where we are, or if the neighbours left in the meantime, let themselves inside, watch tv and don’t try to cook anything or do anything risky and don’t worry, we are on our way).

Your DH sounds like he is being deliberately useless so he can get out of the ‘communicating with the other parents’ labour. But he needs to know that it’s neglectful and he is potentially endangering your child if she ends up alone at home not knowing where her adults are. That’s very scary for a 7 year old. It’s also illegal. Try to impress this on him. He probably just hasn’t realised what it really means to be responsible for a minor in the way that you have because you do most of the childcare. But he needs to bloody well get with it because he’s her dad and if anything happened to her he is at fault and it’s a tragedy that no one would ever recover from. Good luck OP, I’m sorry you have to put up with this crap from him but hopefully a bit of clear communication, giving him the tools to take responsibility (the neighbours’ phone number and a reminder about your daughter’s vulnerability and his legal role as the parent in charge) and he will step up.

Eww YANBU

Sounds like the 7 year old rules the roost…..

She just pops in and out as she pleases whilst either you or your husband have to stay in and have your time dictated by her actions.

1. Make sure your husband has their number.

2. Stop all the “popping in and popping out” - they are either at your house or her friends house, and that where they stay until a designated time.